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Am I expecting too much too soon?

(30 Posts)
LippyLiz Sun 14-Aug-16 15:00:41

DH home after an affair. We're making a go of things and after a slow start, things are improving. He's asking how I am, listening to me, showing me more affection, but I don't know, it feels like something's missing, like its a bit perfunctory but not quite. I've suggested going out for meals - maybe I'm too sensitive these days, and granted, he hasn't been well this week, so that's fair enough, but am I asking too much? Perhaps. I mean I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day.

I'm going away for a week with DDs tomorrow and I can't wait. Bliss.

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 14-Aug-16 15:11:09

Of course something is missing. Trust, respect, fidelity, love, decency.
You say he's trying now, ant that too late? He's already shown how little he thinks of you.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 14-Aug-16 15:14:21

How long has it been?

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 14-Aug-16 15:16:00

Ant that too late? Should have read isn't that too late.

LippyLiz Sun 14-Aug-16 15:24:51

I found out mid June but had been drop fed bits and pieces since April.

LippyLiz Sun 14-Aug-16 15:28:02

*drip fed smile

loveyoutothemoon Sun 14-Aug-16 15:28:59

I personally couldn't forgive.

You have chosen to and it's not been long. Maybe give it more time? If you feel all his efforts are false, then how can that be the real him and it last?

BossyOfficerFlossie Sun 14-Aug-16 15:33:25

No time at all really. My OH had his affair in May/June last year, I found out in Spetember, had a baby in December, things still feel very odd. He is trying which is good, but you aren't going to be able to relax and take anything he says or does at face value for ages. I was horribly aware for ages whenever he did something nice that it was being done in aid of me getting over what he had done. Had to decide not to let every nice thing remind me of the affair, and sort of 'fake it till you make it'

Does feel easier now and a small measure of trust has been rebuilt since. But this takes time. You can choose to keep trying and giving it time, you can decide that it is too hard, all up to you. I gave myself a mental deadline and decided if it was still just as stilted and fake feeling I would be out, and that helped me relax a bit iyswim?

LippyLiz Sun 14-Aug-16 15:46:26

Thank you. It's not that I think they're fake as such, I think I'm just quite rightly sensitive and I'm not used to it. I was always so secure and hate this new side of me. I agree with the faking it till making it and hope it'll gradually get easier.

I've had the shittest 15 months of my life - lost my dad, had 3 cancer scares, had 5 months of betrayal from DH, lost a close work colleague a week ago and had to put my dog to sleep this morning. Someone's testing my patience and strength, surely....

TheNaze73 Sun 14-Aug-16 16:28:05

I couldn't do it OP. Would take forever to regain all the things that tiggery mentioned

Grannypants1 Sun 14-Aug-16 16:42:39

I couldn't ever forgive. And he was doing this during the cancer scares and losing your dad? No amount of meals and how are you feeling todays could make me forget that at the time I needed him most he took his affection elsewhere, how can he really care?. Why did the affair end? You aren't being too sensitive you are being too forgiving op, you deserve better. You aren't an old pair of slippers he can settle into at the end of the day once he is done walking in his other newer shoes.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser Sun 14-Aug-16 16:46:53

Sorry you have had such a shit time recently OP flowers

I think you just need time to get over the betrayal and for him to earn your trust again. It'll be slow going at first and it is bound to feel a bit odd to start with though. Have you had any couples counselling or anything like that?

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 14-Aug-16 16:56:36

The 'real him' was the one lying to you whilst kissing, laughing with, sticking his dick into, another woman. This is him on his best behaviour, not 'the real him'.
And whilst you were going through all that as well? You deserve better.

ConformationFart Sun 14-Aug-16 17:01:09

What tiggery said.

Grannypants1 Sun 14-Aug-16 17:03:14

If he isnt there for you when times get tough it isn't real. No point having someone who only 'cares' when it is convenient and easy.

LippyLiz Sun 14-Aug-16 17:05:41

He wasn't doing it during the time my dad passed but one of my scares cropped up during his affair. I always said I'd never forgive and here i am in this situation, one I never thought I'd be in cos I never thought I'd stay. It's early days, I was just wondering if I was expecting it to get back to normal too quickly and it would seem I am and that it would be the wrong thing for it to do so. I realise that now

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 14-Aug-16 17:08:03

How can it ever get back to 'normal' though? What you thought was normal obviously his idea of normal. Normal to you is being lied to and cheated on normal to him is fucking other people behind your back and lying to you. Is that what you want back?

Grannypants1 Sun 14-Aug-16 17:12:08

tiggeryoubastard preach

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 14-Aug-16 17:19:35

I'm just saying what I wish I'd had the chance to say to somebody that was very dear to me.

Grannypants1 Sun 14-Aug-16 17:38:26

Your saying what I wish I had heard when I was younger before I had wasted time on mr.wrong

Grannypants1 Sun 14-Aug-16 17:43:53

The 'it was good once' mentality is mistaken. It was a lie. It is like going back to believing in father christmas after you have found out the truth.

gildedcage Sun 14-Aug-16 18:03:40

I suppose that's the thing with betrayal. It takes all those good memories and puts a spin on it. When you grieve a death you are allowed to retain all those nice memories, when someone betrays your trust, you can only wonder what else was a lie, were those memories really good times...

To quote lady Gaga. ..trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you'll always see the cracks.

Your relationship will never be the same, it will always be different, it has been altered by his actions. While he may be able to promise change with words will his actions show change?! You are at the early stages of a very long road, you may forgive him in time but you will never ever forget what he's done or the betrayal by someone you trusted whole heartedly.

gildedcage Sun 14-Aug-16 18:16:59

OP I've just read your previous threads about this.

Do you really think he has done enough to warrant you giving him another chance?

You were feeling better on your own and now he's back. He sounds like he has had everything the way he wants it. I know there's a real pressure with you having dds etc but have a really good think about you and your future as an individual.

Hissy Sun 14-Aug-16 18:25:17

There's a really good book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass I think, it shows you the anatomy of an affair and helps you both work though things,

It may be that he does all the right things, says all the right things and you do the same but it still isn't right, it's ok not to accept this betrayal.

LippyLiz Sun 14-Aug-16 18:27:52

I think we're going through a process where we can only see if it works or not. I love him and I want it to work but that'll depend on his behaviour and how I can overcome things.

I'm heading abroad tomorrow with DDs for a week. A time to reflect on my life I think and probably a time for him to reflect also

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