Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me, Is my partner controlling me?

(124 Posts)
Noideawhattodoanymore Sun 14-Aug-16 11:00:20

Hi all, this is my first post. I just don't know what to do anymore.

My partner of almost four years us making me feel like dirt all the time. He is a vey odd guy, he has a huge ego and desire for everyone to bow down to him.

He decides my emotions and then treats me in accordance with how he perceives I am feeling. For example, he will decide I am in a mood over something, or "niggled", and then punishes me for days by being snappy, standoffish, name calling, distant and listing all my faults. If I tell him he's got it wrong, and I fact I was perfectly happy, he says I am lying or that I am "checking" myself so I don't look bad. He insists on listing every possible fault with me and telling me I should be grateful to be with someone like him. He says my family hate me and I have been over indulged. To add perspective, my family never overindulge anyone. I am entirely independent and my family say it as it is, there is no nonesense or mollycoddling. You have to behave or get told you're doing something wrong. I confided in my sister about the over indulged comment and she laughed it loud and said that couldn't be further from the truth.

It feels like he is smashing my confidence bit by bit.

He upped and left after a row in March this year. The background being that for the previous 12-18 months I had a serious illness requiring 7 operations. He said I was ill for "attention" and called me "sick note" all the time. After the last operation in December (2 weeks before Christmas, which he invited his family round for so I had to cook Christmas dinner for him, mother, brother and sister in law and her family! After I had major surgery on my kidneys) I caught him using an online interactive porn site. The site was with local girls and he paid for the services. He initially lied to my face and said he hadn't used it and made our like I was deranged. Then he said it was an old account from prior to our relationship. I knew this wasn't true as I had actually set up the email account he was registered with. He then said he'd been waiting for too long for sex (5 days since we had last dtd).

So to come full circle, my confidence was destroyed. He, his friends and family crow about his ex fiancé from several years ago and I felt like shit about everything. He started raking up old "incidents", in particular that I didn't go to his sister in laws hen do. Firstly, I was in surgery on the day of the hen do, and secondly on her second hen do, I wasn't invited. For 7 months he had called me an embarrassment and horrible person for not going on the second one. He said his mum and sister in law had repeatedly asked where I was. To put further perspective on this, his mum and sister in law had told me the do was just for the bride to be and mothers. I was categorically not invited, so I know he was lying to me, seemingly to just make me feel shit.

We ended up in a row about the whole thing and he said my lack of confidence annoys him. He finds it irritating that I don't think I am pretty or confident...unlike his ex fiancé and girlfriends.

He told me I would be an appalling mother and wife and he couldn't think of anything he'd rather do less with me. I will also say I am one of 5 siblings and have 10 nephews and nieces. I adore them and look after them regularly and they love spending time with me. I of all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bills etc. He literally sits on his backside watching tv and that's it.

He left during the day whilst I was at work. Just moved out. He eventually came back after 4 weeks on the condition that I go to counselling because he thinks I am damaged and I need lots of work. He said he has been trying to fix me for years. He has isolated me from friends and family and expects me to run around after his family and only socialise with his friends.

When he came back, if ever there is a cross word, he says I need to go to counselling more. He says I begged him to come back and should be grateful he's here... I feel shit.

He later said he didn't mean his comments about me being a mother. Said we could try in a year or so for a baby and he wouldn't rule out marriage. He then said he never wants that with me...We went on holiday a month ago and he did the whole determining my mood And then punishing me for it. Eventually I asked what I had done wrong. He said I was expecting a proposal! WTF, I told him he had made it categorically clear he would never do that, or that he would ever want a baby. He then got defensive saying "how do you know I don't propose?". I referred him to his thoughts about me and he dismissed them as me being a "victim" and childish.... Then daily he started saying "if we have a child..." I eventually had to question this and he said he'd never rule out having a child, just never with me.... I mean, as far as I can tell that means, watch your back you're replaceable and will do for now.

We have now booked his dream holiday which has out a fortune, (and means my choice if holiday cannot happen) as soon as it was booked he reverted to Arsy, nasty comments and digs at me. It's too late to cancel the holiday.

His brother had a child yesterday, and ever since my partner has been over the moon about it, but has been treating me with absolute disdain and disgust. He is obnoxious, called me a cun* and a fuc*ing bitch. He said that's because I was a prick because I asked him to check with his brother when hospital visiting times were... I cannot win. I don't know what do do. I poured my entire savings into our house and treats for him to keep him sweet (spa last weekend, after which he then treated me like crAp, silent treatment etc...).

Sorry for the rambling message. I don't know what to do.

Berthatydfil Sun 14-Aug-16 11:02:05

LTB

SummerSazz Sun 14-Aug-16 11:03:26

Leave.

LewisAndClark Sun 14-Aug-16 11:05:13

Leave him. He's awful.

crazycatguy Sun 14-Aug-16 11:05:18

Yes he is.

TheNaze73 Sun 14-Aug-16 11:05:39

Get out, he sounds like an utter cock

EBearhug Sun 14-Aug-16 11:06:26

So what are the good things about him? There's nothing, from what you've said. It's not worth the effort. Live your own life - without him.

Aussiemum78 Sun 14-Aug-16 11:06:29

Omg he has categorically and completely manipulated you.

Please google gaslight, emotional abuse, future faking, narcissist.

He is a complete cunt. You need to leave him.

FuckFaceMagee Sun 14-Aug-16 11:06:42

I only read the first paragraph.

Yes he's abusive. Get out

Glastokitty Sun 14-Aug-16 11:06:48

He is a complete and utter arsehole and you must LTB immediately, it's a total no brainer, he's a complete fuckwit and you need to get the hell away from him as fast as your legs can carry you.

Noideawhattodoanymore Sun 14-Aug-16 11:08:08

Thank you for your replies. I just don't know where to start in leaving. What do I do about the mortgage as I can't afford rent and the mortgage etc. I think he knows I am trapped by that alone... I feel really helpless and just need help to get out.

I thought if I did everything he asked it would all work out, but he just gets worse. ☹️

Ouriana Sun 14-Aug-16 11:08:52

He shounds utterly vile. Really nasty. I understand if you leave you will lose a lot of money from the holiday, but what is point of going somewhere amazing when you will be treated so badly?

What are your living arrangements, do you own the house together? I would honestly cancel the holiday, sell the house and have a fresh start.

He has isolated you from your friends, destroyed your confidence and is making your life hell. Imagine having a child with him and him treating your daughter the way he treats you.

I know leaving is hard but you can be single and be happy, and maybe meet aomeone who truly loves and appreciates you and treats you with respect.

GiddyGiddyGoat Sun 14-Aug-16 11:10:07

He is abusive and horrible. You do not have to put up with being treated like this and deserve far far better. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life about this? Your sister for instance? You sound scared and confused (not surprisingly). Do you own your house or is it owned jointly with him? Are you both working? Are you dependent on him financially?
You can speak to Women's Aid for help and advice and to talk this through with someone to get you thoughts straight.
What do you want to happen?

talesofthevillage Sun 14-Aug-16 11:10:10

Truly awful. Get out of this toxic relationship. You deserve better. You will n ever appease him.

MissMellowMellons Sun 14-Aug-16 11:10:13

What an awful situation to be in. Leaving is easier said than done. Perhaps seek some legal advise in regards to your joint home and assets.

Also start to do things that make you happy such as seeing friends, going out etc.

At the end of the day only you can take back your power rather than relinquish it to your partner. 🍷🍰🍫

FantasticButtocks Sun 14-Aug-16 11:13:36

Sorry to ask this OP but why on earth are you with him? Why are you tolerating this treatment? Have you actually stopped to ask yourself those questions?

For goodness sake, leave him and do not have a child with him.

Sorry you've been so ill flowers

Noideawhattodoanymore Sun 14-Aug-16 11:14:49

Ok,, so we're both in full time work and jointly own our home. We bought in his home town as he refused to consider the mid way between mine and his. I work in my home town about 30 miles away do commute.

Should I look to get a rental place and just go, or should I try to sell and stay until my house is sold? It's really confusing what to do.

Ultimately I would love it to work out but I literally feel like I gave been punched in the chest all the time , with anxiety and stress. I figure he won't really change and I will have to be a doormat to appease him and will have to give up on marriage and a child just to be with him... But with the treat he will leave again for the person he wants those things with.

Lweji Sun 14-Aug-16 11:17:49

You do need to leave him. There are no redeeming features at all.

And you can leave.
Get advice from women's aid if necessary, but definitely check what benefits you could get.
And legal advice regarding the house. You should tell him you're splitting up and try to sort the house amicably, but then have a back up plan if he makes it difficult.
Also, ignore any put downs and any explanations of why you want to leave. Just tell him you're out. End of.

Lweji Sun 14-Aug-16 11:18:55

And don't ever marry him or have a child with him.

Ouriana Sun 14-Aug-16 11:20:51

Can you make a solicitors appointment for as soon as possible, and ask how it works with regards to selling the house?

In the meantime try and detatch. It doesnt matter what shit this man comes out with. Him calling you names or playing silly games ignoring you is a reflection on how immature and juvenule he is, not you. When he starts on you post on here so we can all laugh at him, rather than being anxious, and in the meantime solicitors and start making plans to be free and move back to your hometown.

ArnieChops Sun 14-Aug-16 11:21:21

Have my first ever LTB. He sounds like a fucking living nightmare.
No wonder your self confidence is shot to shit living with a cunt like him.
Kick him out or get out yourself and go and become the person you were before you met this controlling manipulative arsehole.
Also have my first unmumsnetty hug, because quite frankly you sound like you need one.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 14-Aug-16 11:22:41

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can help you here with leaving this individual. He will simply continue to destroy you from the inside out otherwise as well as bankrupt you financially.

GiddyGiddyGoat Sun 14-Aug-16 11:23:04

He's clearly horribly emotionally abusive to you op. Has he ever been physically violent or threatened violence? Ae you scared of him?

Take the many hints he and his family are giving you and get yourself out of his life.

Scoplop up whatever paperwork you can, though. Don't rule out later trying to get some of your money back. But don't let that take priority over getting yourself away safely and your head outta his headfuck.

The sooner you can do it the sooner you'll start healing.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 14-Aug-16 11:28:19

I agree with ringing woman's aid and also seeing a solicitor. I think leaving as soon as you can is best, and renting, to get you away from the toxic environment so that you can have space to think.

Can your family help in any way?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now