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Feeling weird about abusive ex

(2 Posts)
doji Thu 11-Aug-16 13:50:26

I ended an 8yr relationship with my ex 4 years ago, as he had become increasingly abusive. It was a mix of emotional/verbal/financial abuse with some physical abuse, and I basically just left one day and refused to ever go back (long story - typed it out and then realised it wasn't really relevant).

He rolled out all the standard guilt/crying/anger to try and get me to go back for several months after, until about Christmas time when he went from daily calls to maybe once a fortnight. Turns out he'd met someone new, and although he'd phone me every so often to complain about her (and try his luck again), I was just happy to not be subjected to so much of his crap.

Anyway ffwd to today and it's 4 years to the day that I walked out. I've seen on FB that he married the new woman today, which is just a weird coincidence I'm sure, but I still feel a bit weird. I'm not entirely sure why tbh.

I think I mostly feel guilty that I didn't try and warn her about him - he could be so kind and charming (when he was getting his own way) that I didn't feel like I'd be believed. Also, selfishly, I just wanted rid of him and his utter inability to understand that just because he wanted a relationship with me it didn't entitle him to one.

I guess I'm still also angry at myself for not dumping him the first time he showed his true colours. My 20s would have been so much better without him. there's also the self-doubt that comes in, thinking maybe he loved her enough to change, but not me.

I'm now worried i'll never get 'over' him. I have no desire to see him ever again, but I want rid of all of the feelings that seem to get brought up every time something pops up on facebook (or I hear certain songs or whatever). I'm not friends with him, but still have a few mutual friends, so occasionally see stuff they like/comment on. I also occasionally dream I'm still with him, and it brings back all the feelings of fear I felt when he was having a mood.

Does this ever go away? or do you just learn to deal with it better? 2 years ago if you'd asked me about him, I'd have sworn blind I was fine and never thought about him, but now, I'm not so sure.

This isn't ruining my life or anything, just feel irked that I did so well to get away from him, and yet he's still somehow getting to me.

Equally it could all just be terrible timing, I have a chest infection, so am stuck at home (hence the FB/MNing) and also have PMT, which makes me terribly maudlin. Chocolate and watching all the beautiful people at the Olympics will make me feel better right?

Cosmo111 Thu 11-Aug-16 14:21:20

I totally get you op i'm the same sometimes those who treated us so poorly tend to stick in our minds so much more than other relationships with ended fairly amicably.

I had a relationship in my 20's with a man who ultimately changed the course of my life today little did I know what impact he would of had at the time... On the surface he appeared to be kind caring considerate, underneath it all he was an EA, manipulative, a cheater, my mother of course could see through him. I could give anything to give me younger self a good shake.

I ended up getting pregnant and gave my career up as a student nurse in my final year to care for him as he had on going health issues, when he had recovered and returned to work he walked on me and my son 3 weeks after his first birthday, I lost my home and career. He had no contact for a while as he was too busy partying, doing drugs and seemed to show no interest until I met DH. I've never been happier, we have gone on to have two DCs together.

EX is in DS life and I recently found out him and his wife are having a baby, I dare say I had some mixed feelings on the matter, even though I myself have gone on to have further DC, I never abandoned my son or used anyone in this way. It was my first pregnancy so I will always remember the way I was treated, a dog got treated better, now he has this second chance to have a family again after behaving so appalling the first time but then I give my head a good wobble, I know i'm being unreasonable and I wouldn't be the person I am today or even with my DH and my other two DC if it hadn't been for hat relationship although it would be nice if he said thanks for looking after DS when I wasn't able to and i'm sorry for the way I treated you but I know I will never get that apology.

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