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DH wants a second child, I don't

(31 Posts)
scampimom Thu 11-Aug-16 13:16:35

Never wanted kids until I started going out with my now husband. He was really keen, and I came round to the idea and we had DD. She's great, and I don't ever regret having her, but I just don't think I can do this again. I don't think I'm cut out to be a mother.

DH is always talking about having another one. We have so many reasons NOT to, though: we can either afford a bigger place (in small 2-bed flat now) OR to have another child in nursery once DD goes to school, but not both. But if we had another child, we would need a bigger place to live.

Practical reasons aside, I just don't think I can go through birth again (v traumatic), or the first 4 months again. And having a toddler is mentally exhausting, and I'm not a great mom to start with - I work full time over an hour's commute away, so I see her for 15 minutes a day, and even then I'm relieved when she goes to bed.

I don't understand why DH wants another one. DD is a real handful by herself, sending both of us round the twist - how on earth would we cope with a baby on top of that? And then in a few years' time, we'd be going through all the toddler crap again, and I just cannot face it.

I've said this to him, but he just says we'll find a way, other people do it, it would be nice, we'll manage etc.

On top of all that, I'm 41. By the time DD goes to school I'll be nearly 43. Even if I could get pregnant then, it might cause extra risks and problems - first pregnancy was quite tough with one thing and another.

Sorry if I'm rambling - just wanted to put it all down and maybe get some ideas of how to put it across, or even just get some different perspectives on how I can think of it myself.

LewisAndClark Thu 11-Aug-16 13:18:03

Your womb, your final say.

Although your husband is right, you would manage and find a way.

<takes splinters out of arse>

cosmicglittergirl Thu 11-Aug-16 13:22:54

I had my two close together and it's been tough. I think (hope) they will be close as they grow up but I sometimes wonder what life would've been like with one. Much simpler for a start. I guess what I'm saying is having one can be the ideal scenario in terms of space and money etc. From what you've said it really doesn't sound like you're keen so that's the end of it really. The woman bears most of the weight of children, in the early days at least.

SleepFreeZone Thu 11-Aug-16 13:27:44

In going to say don't. TTC is fraught at your (my age) no had to go through three miscarriages inbetween my two children and they were totally heart breaking. I now, amazingly, have a 6 month old but FUCK it's hard work. I am barely coping with the baby and toddler and I'm not even working.

If you are happy and content as you are then stay as you are. Life is only going to be easier as your child gets older and more independent.

gamerchick Thu 11-Aug-16 13:29:33

It doesn't sound as if you should have another one for more than one reason.

The one who doesn't gets the final say I think on either side. If it's that important to him then he can choose to leave and find someone else.

gamerchick Thu 11-Aug-16 13:30:39

I'm 41 as well and would rather grate my face off than go through all that again. You just know when you're done I think.

Pearlman Thu 11-Aug-16 13:33:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scampimom Thu 11-Aug-16 13:33:57

Ha lol, pass the grater over here when you're finished with it.

I had the weight of DD's care when she was tiny, but now DH does most of it - takes her to nursery, picks her up, and puts her to bed when I'm working late (which is quite often). He seems to be really grumpy with her most of the time, so why would he want to do all that again with another one??

LuchiMangsho Thu 11-Aug-16 13:38:32

Your body and your choice. But if I may ask, as gently as I can (and feel free to tell me NOYB), you sound as if the traumatic birth with DD has had long term consequences. I'm not massively maternal and found the baby years a bore, so I am there with you. But you hint (maybe I am wrong) that you work long hours and you are relieved not to see much of DD. I'm not critiquing because I am far from being a natural parent and find so much of it a chore. But I am wondering whether instead of focussing on having no 2, you and DH could have a chat about how to find ways to make your life easier now so that you can actually enjoy your time with DD.

TheABC Thu 11-Aug-16 13:39:14

Sounds like you have made your decision. I am running around after a 3 month old baby and a 3 year old toddler - it's bloody hard work and every one of your reservations is justified. The difference between you and me, however, is that I really wanted a second child. So did my DH (he just prefers the walking, talking stage and sees that baby bit as a necessary evil).

I think you need to have a frank talk with your DH. "It would be nice" applies to coffee and cake; not a life - changing physical event such as a pregnancy.

Diddlydokey Thu 11-Aug-16 13:40:48

Us too. I have less reasons but still, really, the only thing that matters is that I don't want any more children. DH goes through phases of being a bit broody but can mostly be convinced.I do occasionally feel guilty that I am denying him of another child or DS of a sibling.

Just tell him it can't happen now due to space and money so you'll talk about it when it is practical. You might feel differently about it then.

Floggingmolly Thu 11-Aug-16 13:42:55

I wouldn't, in your shoes. People "manage" all sorts of crap situations when they're foisted on them, they have no other option but to make the best of things.
But going into a situation you don't want with your eyes wide open on the grounds that you'll somehow make it work is madness.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 11-Aug-16 13:46:06

Absolutely DO NOT say to your DH what Diddly suggests about talking about it when it is practical UNLESS you really, truly think you MIGHT have a change of heart. That is putting false hope in your DH's mind and if a bloke did that to a woman knowing full well he really, really didn't want another child he'd be roasted alive.

If you don't want one, end of. It almost sounds like you were swayed into having the first just because your DH wanted children rather than you actually wanting one yourself. Based on what you're telling us here today, you do not want a second one, and you have many good reasons not to.

Purplebluebird Thu 11-Aug-16 14:03:31

You have many good reasons to stick with one. Yes, if you were to have another one, you would probably "manage" - but why have more if you're just about managing... You're supposed to enjoy being a parent too, not just manage. We're sticking with 1 for similar reasons to you, but my other half has accepted this, and I think he does agree with me, although we both initially wanted 2. It is harder than we expected, and now we're staying with 1, because it works better for us. There's a lot of positives to having one child, besides, you're the one who has to be pregnant, give birth, and most likely take on majority of childcare in the early months/years (at least that is common). I think it's better to want a child and never have it (if you already have 1), than to have a child you didn't want.

scampimom Thu 11-Aug-16 14:04:20

Luchi - right on both counts. The consultant came to see me a couple of times after the birth (was still in the hospital for 6 days so only up the stairs, not a house call!) and "traumatic" was HIS word - he said he only sees a birth like that maybe every couple of years. It's put the fear of God into me about ever having to go through it again.

And yes, I am relieved when I work late. It's terrible isn't it. I always suspected I would be too lazy to be a proper parent, and I believe I really am. She's great when she's great, but she really is a handful a lot of the time.

scampimom Thu 11-Aug-16 14:05:51

* I think it's better to want a child and never have it (if you already have 1), than to have a child you didn't want.*

Well and succinctly put. Food for thought.

LuchiMangsho Thu 11-Aug-16 14:49:14

Oh love. That sounds awful. I had a very easy birth (c-section that was planned) and even then I found the early days hard. I don't know what to say to help you out with your DD, but I will say that I had to make a real effort (as in it didn't come naturally) to say, 'being a parent is the most important job I will do, more important than my real job, so do it.' I still work (not the hours you do) full time, but I made a plan and stuck to it. Ruthlessly planned the day/week so that time with DS was just that, time with him. So I wasn't doing 5 other things and running out of patience. I also decided that he would be introduced to stuff that I liked- so I would talk to him about politics, music, whatever else was happening like a grown up. It's taken a while but 4.5 years later I have a fab relationship with him and truly enjoying parenting. I wouldn't have said that at 7/8/9 months or maybe even at 13/15 months in the same way.

Whatthefoxgoingon Thu 11-Aug-16 15:42:04

I'm with you op. No way would I countenance another child in your shoes.

Heathen4Hire Thu 11-Aug-16 17:27:23

Apart from the age difference OP, you are telling my story.

Mine is nearly ten. DH never wanted kids until I fell pregnant. After Baby came, he went on and on about having another. The first birth was horrific, DC was born under GA, there was all kinds of complications, the childcare costs crippled our finances, we live in a tiny flat etc etc. I stood firm and said there was no fucking way we were going through all that pain, stress, and financial batshit ever again. Now, nearly ten years later, he still mentions it. We live in the same area in the same accommodation. I tell not to be so stupid.

I feel like an inadequate parent sometimes, because those two have the same interests and share a lot of time together. I also work very late and miss out a lot on DD upbringing. When I try and enforce discipline or ask DD to do anything, she now ignores me or it takes six times before she does as she is told. I sometimes wish I never bothered becoming a parent.

scampimom Fri 12-Aug-16 10:34:24

Well, I've never wished I hadn't had her, but certainly just can't bring myself to go through it again. I've just started to get a little bit of "me" back, with a job I love, and time to ourselves in the evening when she's in bed, and I can't bring myself to give that all up again.

It's hard because everyone I know with little ones about the same age is now having a second one, and although I do love babies and loved all the baby stuff, at the same time I now know how hard it is and just cannot face that sleep deprivation stuff all over again. I thought I was losing my mind with 4 months of acid reflux when DD was tiny, even the chance of that happening again is too much to contemplate.

On another thread I saw recently, people were denigrating the husband for not wanting another child when the wife did. There was a lot of talk of "deceit" or "stringing along", that he'd promised x number of children but was actually happy with what they had. Makes me feel like I'm somehow cheating my husband out of the family he wants, but on the other hand I don't think he really understands what he's asking of me.

VestalVirgin Fri 12-Aug-16 10:45:52

On another thread I saw recently, people were denigrating the husband for not wanting another child when the wife did. There was a lot of talk of "deceit" or "stringing along", that he'd promised x number of children but was actually happy with what they had. Makes me feel like I'm somehow cheating my husband out of the family he wants, but on the other hand I don't think he really understands what he's asking of me.

It is very, very different.

A man can always have more children with another woman, if after ten years he decides he cannot live without a second child. Grim reality.
A man's life is not endangered by having another child. He only bears the financial consequences, and, in some cases, does some of the childcare.

You really don't owe your husband to risk your life to have another child. He should not be asking that of you, knowing the horrible birth you had the first time.

And you mention a lot of other, very good reasons, to not have another child. Such as your husband being grumpy with the child you already have.

I think he likes the idea of having two children. It is pretty clear that he doesn't much enjoy the reality of having even one child. Perhaps you can get him to realize this.

Many people have dreams of a house and two kids and a dog when they are young, but most people adjust their dreams to something that's achievable for them, and most importantly, actually makes them happy.

category12 Fri 12-Aug-16 10:54:42

If you were clear about not wanting dc then those sort of accusations simply aren't true.

Either way, you shouldn't have a baby you don't want.

How strongly does he feel about another? Enough to leave you over? Or if it came to splitting would you change your mind?

But I don't think it's right to have a child you actively don't want. Imagine a row with a teenager later down the line, and the awful "I never wanted you anyway" or something equally horrible escaping. Not to mention going through pregnancy, birth and potential pnd.

Also, what if the baby was disabled or has difficulties that severely impact the family in future? How much harder would it be to cope if you felt pushed into having that child in the first place?

accidentalpirate Fri 12-Aug-16 11:18:33

If he does most of the childcare maybe he wants another one so they can play together and entertain each other.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 12-Aug-16 11:30:25

I'm with you OP.
I hated being pregnant.
I hated the ridiculous hours of labour only to have to have an EMCS.
I loved my DD more than life but the baby time is boring the toddler time exhausting (and I had her at 29).
My ExH wanted another one as well.
No way was I doing all that again.
We did go down the adoption route and got all the way to a panel date when I found out he was having an affair.
Thank goodness I only had one!
She's 18 now and loves being an only child.
Don't do it.
Don't be pressured. Stick to your guns.

JellyBean31 Fri 12-Aug-16 11:36:15

A friend of mine was pushed by her (now ex)DH into having a 2nd child, her DS is 12 now and she still resents it.

They have split up and the absolute drama queen strong willed young woman, is too much for him to handle on his own so he doesn't even have her over night (actually wants to take her to court to get a judge to rule he should see his DS less hmm)

Don't do it. I have 2 DS (grown up now) but my mental health was so precarious after DS2 I refused to have any more even though we'd always said we'd have 3. Nothing would have persuaded me to put myself at risk again

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