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Please help me, I don't know what to do!

(7 Posts)
CrueltobeKind Thu 11-Aug-16 12:24:45

DH and I have been together 15 years and have one child.

I was sexually abused as a child and as a result find sex repulsive. DH knew I had these issues before we married. I have always been open about the fact I have a very low/non-existent sex drive and have tried to ensure he knows it's not him, it's always been the case with previous boyfriends too.

However, things are getting more and more difficult. He seems obsessed by sex. We have to sleep in separate beds as he can't keep his hands off me. He touches me up in his sleep (although I suspect he's actually awake some of the times). I can hear him in the spare room talking to himself/to me, begging me to come into his bed. He's a very tactile person and I'm not - I feel smothered.

He is a wonderful father and I love him so so much - I hate the thought of us not growing old together but I wonder if I'm being cruel by remaining with him. I've given him the option to spit up many times, or even to sleep with someone else if he wants but he says he doesn't want to. He gets very obsessive about the thought I'm cheating on him. This is despite the fact I've made it so clear that I'm just not interested in sex.

We can't go on like this can we?

If we split, we will lose everything - our house, the stability for our child. Also, we genuinely do love each other...we just have opposite sex drives.

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared I'm going to kill him with the stress of no sex but I can't bring myself to have sex when I don't want to - that's just like being abused all over again.

Should I be cruel to be kind and leave him?

loveyoutothemoon Thu 11-Aug-16 12:27:08

Have you ever had counselling for the abuse?

Imnotaslimjim Thu 11-Aug-16 12:28:35

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you. I hope you don't mind me asking but have you tried having therapy? How you're living is not usual and your relationship will be better if you can work through it

blue2014 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:38:30

I'm sorry, and I don't say this lightly but he sounds completely unreasonable and a tad controlling. Even if you had therapy, a therapist would help you to feel safer in a sexual relationship by giving you back control. Touching you without your consent is not ok. To be honest his behaviour would really piss ME off and I have a high sex drive with no previous abuse.

I understand he has sexual needs but touching you without consent, muttering from other rooms and accusing you of cheating is not ok. You can work on this if you choose too but he has some real stuff to work on to, he's not blameless in this.

CrueltobeKind Thu 11-Aug-16 12:40:06

No, never had therapy - I don't have much faith in the NHS mental health services (bitter experiences of friends and family) and can't afford to pay privately.

Would feel mortified to discuss sex with a stranger.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Aug-16 12:42:29

napac.org.uk/

I would urge you to contact this charity CrueltobeKind and their help is also free.

hazelnutsprinkles Thu 11-Aug-16 12:46:26

I've had psychotherapy for childhood sexual abuse on the NHS and it helped immensely. It is worth looking into OP, although your friends experiences may not have been good it often depends on the therapist you're allocated and the type of support you need, so it may well work out better in your case.

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