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Facebook friends and exes

(25 Posts)
Oboe1 Thu 11-Aug-16 00:38:40

This sounds terribly trivial but it's symptomatic of something which to me is deeply hurtful. My ex and new partner's ex, though we both met as singles and divorced, have a pool of mutual friends who are also friends of our exes (mostly his).
A few have continued contact with us both. But if they meet up with the ex wife, there are loads of happy group photos on their FB pages. If they see us, there are none ( I presume, in case they are tagged and the ex wife sees). I feel they have prioritised her feelings over ours. It's not just the fact that our so called friendship is invisible, it's the publicity that they give to the relationship with the ex wife. I feel let down and betrayed. I don't have an issue with mutual friends seeing us both but placing so little value on our relationship is hurtful. We invited them to our wedding and I'm really regretting it, knowing in advance they will post no pictures.

SystemAticcally Thu 11-Aug-16 00:47:03

You can't regret inviting them just because you think they might not post your wedding pictures on their facebook page.

Oboe1 Thu 11-Aug-16 00:50:08

I regret inviting them because they have shown their loyalty lies with our exes and not with us. That's the root of it.

Somerville Thu 11-Aug-16 00:56:32

Do you post group photos and tag them? Because it could just be that it's something they do with those friends, because they all do t and value it, but not with you because you don't.

It's not something I bother with, except one group of friends who do this obsessively and really, really like it when any of us who got a good photo post it and tag everyone. So I do as a sort of social nicety/group bonding thing. With most of my friendship groups I would never dream of doing so, because they don't.

Also, if your friends really wanted to show loyalty to your exes surely they wouldn't accept your wedding invitation?

quitecrunchy Thu 11-Aug-16 01:00:51

Is your ex still single or does she have a new partner too? Was it you that instigated the split, or her, or mutual? I think the context matters here as to how your mutual friends might want to deal with the situation.

i8sum314 Thu 11-Aug-16 01:57:34

Yeh theyve nailed their colours to the mast there.
id be tempted to rescind the invitation but doing it in a way that you're only thinking of them.

"I cant help but notice how open, easy and secure your friendship with X is, so id hate to feel that a friendship with us was a covert second. If it would be easier not to come to the weddi g we understand"

Oboe1 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:07:11

Split was mutual and preceded ours by some years, but ex wife has powerful vengeance full attitudes which I've never understood. She petitioned for divorce.

Oboe1 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:08:36

Thanks you've really understood where I'm at. It's too late to uninvite them but I want them to know at some point that I feel hurt and let down. But not on my wedding day!

Oboe1 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:12:04

Somerville
Very useful feedback. The thing is that the meet ups are really celebrated and shared - and we see they prioritise the ex over us. We used to be really close and the loss hurts. Just got to get over it because they just can't be very good friends if you look at it that way.

TheNaze73 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:12:51

Whilst through my eyes, I see the whole FB as trivial nonsense, ultimately it's your wedding & your rules. You do whatever you like OP

i8sum314 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:31:41

Honestly that's a good word.

Say to them "you seem to .... {pause} celebrate your friendship with x and not our friendship so I don't want to put you in an awkward position inviting you to our wedding''

Oboe1 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:49:46

Yes FB is either trivial nonsense or powerful propaganda tool - I remember thinking Twitter was unbelievably trivial and ridiculous when it first came out too! I can't cancel people 3 weeks before so shall do my best to rise above it, but afterwards they are history.

category12 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:52:53

Crikey, don't say anything about Facebook tagging or their friendships with ex - it'll be read as petty as fuck. However valid it may be.

Separate it out. Do you like these people? Would them attending your wedding make you happy? Will you be sad if the friendships ended? Would you regret them not attending? The answers to those questions will clarify. If you're going to be happier without them, then disinvite them. But say it's a numbers thing, you overbooked or something, or your plans have changed, not something about them valuing the ex more. Unless you want her to hear that.

HappyJanuary Thu 11-Aug-16 08:53:17

How many friends are you talking about that do this?

If it's one or two then there is no need for a confrontation, it will just sound like you're jealous of your dp's ex and seeing problems where there are none. Honestly, they'll be telling friends that you fell out with them because they didn't tag you enough on Facebook. Just quietly distance yourself. If they don't like you, they will be relieved.

If it's a higher number of friends then I think you have to consider the possibility that the problem is with you.

Isetan Thu 11-Aug-16 08:54:44

Rescinding invitations because your 'friendship' isn't celebrated 'equally' on Facebook, is beyond petty. Facebook has made supposed grown ups regress into thirteen year olds and no, grown arse people acting like thirteen year olds ain't a good look.

Invite them or don't invite them but PA bullshit is best left in the playground.

category12 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:55:23

Sorry xposted

FuckFaceMagee Thu 11-Aug-16 08:55:51

I think you need to grow up and get a grip.

Sulking because they don't post pictures of you on FB?. hmmconfused

HappyJanuary Thu 11-Aug-16 08:58:35

Meant to add - there is always the possibility that they prioritise his exes feelings with good reason. You are loved up and getting married, so presumably life is pretty good. Is her life as good at the moment? Who instigated the end of their relationship, has she moved on too?

Why is it important to you that she - and the world - see that you're living a great life?

i8sum314 Fri 12-Aug-16 17:23:56

I disagree. It's not about facebook. It's a medium for realising the truth in this instance. and that's why these ''silly facebook problems'' hurt.

i8sum314 Fri 12-Aug-16 17:24:57

Happy January, that's true, if the x is single and he's loved up then the mutal friends are behaving kindly, so context matters.

ElspethFlashman Fri 12-Aug-16 17:30:10

I'd be very petty and after the wedding would put up the best photos of all of them having a brilliant time and tag every single name.

Theyll be in the exes feed all day.....

<evil>

HappyJanuary Fri 12-Aug-16 20:27:04

What a delightful plan. Let's hope she's a horrible bitch who deserves to have her ex's new marriage rubbed in her face rather than, say, a good person struggling to come to terms with it.

And isn't op's main concern that the mutual friends don't like her as much as they like her dp's ex? Isn't that the whole point of this thread? Not sure how your cunning idea resolves that thorny issue even if op is mad enough to spend even one second of her wedding celebrations weirdly plotting how best to upset her new DH's ex via the medium of Facebook.

MangoMoon Fri 12-Aug-16 20:32:02

And isn't op's main concern that the mutual friends don't like her as much as they like her dp's ex?

YY.
Very, very petty.

NeeNahh Fri 12-Aug-16 23:21:25

As someone who is with someone who is with someone who has already been married and had children I know where you're coming from. Some people will always treat you as the ow, even if you met years after they split. No advice. Just to say I understand.

Daenerys2 Fri 12-Aug-16 23:26:13

Facebook is a cruel mistress.

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