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Bisexual mums??

(84 Posts)
abulford13 Tue 09-Aug-16 18:13:34

Hi all

Any bisexual mums on here? I'm a SAHM and would be nice to talk to someone who knows how I'm feeling!

bittapitta Tue 09-Aug-16 18:47:00

How ARE you feeling? I suppose I'm bi based on previous relationships but have been happily married to DH for a decade. Do you mean you fancy someone else?

honeybunny14 Tue 09-Aug-16 18:50:24

Me smile what are you feeling though?

MrsMushrooms Tue 09-Aug-16 18:57:04

Bisexual mum-to-be here! Not sure I can possibly know how you're feeling though just by sharing sexuality - I guess you'll need to flesh things out a little bit!!

Anonymouses Tue 09-Aug-16 18:58:42

How ARE you feeling? I suppose I'm bi based on previous relationships but have been happily married to DH for a decade. Do you mean you fancy someone else?

Same here. Identify as bi but have been happily married for over a decade.

LittleOyster Tue 09-Aug-16 19:07:55

Are you near London, OP? You might be interested in this group: www.meetup.com/Bi-W-Hitched/ It's for married bi women, lots are mums also.

abulford13 Tue 09-Aug-16 19:08:54

No I just meant how I am feeling as being bi but with a male partner. I'm sure I wrote that part?? Apparently not! Just be nice to speak to another mummy with the same feelings!

LewisAndClark Tue 09-Aug-16 19:13:33

confused

Not sure what difference it makes. Dh is the person I've chosen to spend my life with, in a monogamous relationship. Whether I fancy women as well as men has no actual bearing on my life, other than us both perving over Rachel Riley on a Friday night.

MrsMushrooms Tue 09-Aug-16 19:17:16

I would agree with LewisandClark on this. I love DH and don't think being bi is any different to being straight really as I don't fancy having sex with anyone else.

bittapitta Tue 09-Aug-16 19:17:44

It doesn't make a jot of difference to me right now, so you'll need to explain a bit more i think. Do you mean you always imagined having kids with another woman? Coming to terms with staying with DH for life?

honeybunny14 Tue 09-Aug-16 19:44:30

Doesn't make a difference in my relationship to dp apart from I fancy both men and women and have had long term relationships with both.

HermioneWeasley Tue 09-Aug-16 19:46:43

It must be really hard to settle down in a heterosexual relationship and have kids in a completely conventional family set up. Of course she's desperate to talk to other women who feel the same.

MrsMushrooms Tue 09-Aug-16 19:56:10

Why is it difficult to settle down and have a conventional family? That's bordering on being a touch offensive - certainly a little illinformed at least! I think monogamous relationships face the same challenges in any set up, sexuality is largely irrelevant to that. I think we're just trying to get to the bottom of exactly what OP is wanting to get support with as most of us here aren't finding it challenging.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LewisAndClark Tue 09-Aug-16 20:03:51

Not really, Hermione. I've found it quite simple.

Booboostwo Tue 09-Aug-16 20:38:36

Why would it be hard? My last long term relationship before DH was with a woman but it didn't work out. As it happened things worked out next time with a man. It's purely luck that the right person I met at the right time was a man but it's not hard (well loads of things about a relationship and DCs are hard but they have nothing to do with bisexuality).

MrsMushrooms Tue 09-Aug-16 20:41:02

I think the assumption must be that we all miss being with women, but would anybody think that a straight woman who had previously dated tall men but married a short man would struggle to have a 'conventional' family?

0phelia Tue 09-Aug-16 20:48:05

Threesomes?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeybunny14 Tue 09-Aug-16 21:15:49

Was wondering when the comments about threesomes would come in hmm

FairyHoof Tue 09-Aug-16 21:16:37

Bisexual just means that you will date men or women. It has nothing to do with monogamy/polyamory. Lazy stereotypes are tiresome.

If you're suddenly aching for a woman, the problem is not your bisexuality, but your attitude to monogamy or satisfaction with your partner.

Offred Tue 09-Aug-16 21:21:56

I don't think being bisexual means you automatically understand what is in another bisexual person's mind.

However for me it is different. Mainly because if you are with an opposite sex partner people assume you are straight and their prejudices about bisexual people come out fairly frequently and fairly freely.

Also male partners are very frequently titilated by it or paranoid about you having friends etc, say and do stupid and offensive things. This means I very frequently choose to keep this whole part of me entirely separate and erase out parts of my life and experiences from discussion in order to maintain respect of other crappily prejudiced people who are sadly in the majority and often very nice in all other ways.

I dont struggle with monogamy as a result of being bisexual though.

eloelo Tue 09-Aug-16 21:25:21

bi here. Once you are in a relationship whether you fancy guys only or guys & girls is irrelevant as you are only with one person.
The reality is one person will never be able to fulfil all your needs, regardless . So being in a relationship is always giving up on something to some degree.

fusionconfusion Tue 23-Aug-16 00:07:46

I think a few these responses are a little bit prescriptive to be honest and probably reflect either internalised biphobia or a reaction to biphobia.

You know if you have been out as bi the changes are you have had that shite all the time about how we must be gagging for it and can't settle with one person and be monogamous and are only dying to live as part of a polycule and must wear purple and preferably have piercings and die our hair a range of shades... and it's all bollocks...

And yet one thing a lot of bi women have in common is a history of relationships and even current attractions that you can't bring up easily in straight spaces. And there's a lot of stigma attached to being bi and married to a man in particular in some quarters.

Most of my straight "mum friends" talk easily about who they fancy in the media and the like when they're feeling touched out and idly contemplating (jokingly, playfully) an escapist existence. They will talk about their past peppering it with references to people they've been with without a second thought. At work and in playgroups I have often heard peopple say things that demonstrate they're uncomfortable with women who have sex with women. If I was to just talk freely about my attractions it would make a lot of people very, very uncomfortable in my rural Irish town... and there would be a LOT of chatter. It's easy to say these things don't matter but checking yourself all the time can wear you down. It shouldn't be that big a deal to say you find Claire Danes really hot without it being tittered over as something naughty in a way it wouldn't be if it was Brad Pitt. I don't notice that I need to say I fancy Claire Danes. I notice that I check myself from saying things in certain places that make it obvious that I am not straight.

And you know if you have had previous relationships with women, the chances are at some point in your life you will have experienced what it is like to be stigmatised for your sexuality in a way that hasn't been experienced by many straight women.

I actually find a conventional heterosexual lifestyle incredibly stifling. Not the actual sex. Not the raising of kids. Not the having a partner. But the fact that in most places I go giving away any details of my history would ultimately cause me to be deeply judged, mistrusted and spoken about in ways I really don't care to be spoken about. And I have a bi married friend who is out in some of these places and I am not, and so I have heard first hand the BILE that is spouted about her being out - her looking for attention, probably seeking a threesome, probably being unstable. I kid you not.

My bisexuality has been enormously relevant to my parenting because I had PND and I was bloody petrified that I would "give the gay away" (*caveat = yes, I'm not gay) and this would impact on my psychiatric diagnosis if they knew I had a history of childhood sexual abuse. So that's one reason it's been very relevant to me in my marriage and as a parent. It was a really big factor in me not getting the right mental health help when I needed it because actually female sexuality is HUGELY stigmatised in psychiatric services, and bisexuality particularly so. This is a reason why there are FAR higher rates of mental difficulty in the bisexual population than in lesbian and gay male cohorts. This is also relevant for PND.

And yes, I do quite often fancy other women. A lot. I think about them, a lot. And I am happily married to a gorgeous man that I fancy a lot and have absolutely NO intention of cheating on ever - and I still felt really thrown off earlier this year to have one particular attraction... though I knew I would never act on it etc. I have not found when I have been attracted to other men that I have found it to be so ungrounding because ultimately I can have sex with a man anytime I want and I actually do find sex with men and women different. Shoot me.

I am lucky to be with a man who is not fetishisizing or difficult about my sexuality (and I wish I didn't see this as luck but it is really not that easy for so many women) and I am particularly grateful to be with a man who is also happy for me to be involved with LGBT groups "even though" I am SHOCK HORROR married to a man which apparently makes my whole sexual identity entirely irrelevant...

Listen, I don't give a shiny shit how anyone chooses to navigate their own sexual identity but it does piss me off when people suggest that it is "irrelevant". Mind your own experience. Don't dismiss some people's need or desire to find connection about any particular aspect of their experience, be it their sexual orientation, penchant for bell-ringing or love of fine red wine. We all need a bit of connection about the things that matter to us for whatever reason and wanting that does not mean you have some terrible problem with your partner or aren't happily married. That's just biphobic bullshit.

fusionconfusion Tue 23-Aug-16 00:22:41

Offred said it much better than me. It is late here and I was less concise than I would have liked.

If I hadn't to listen to people spouting mean shit about bisexuality I might feel less strongly about it, but it does wear me down in all honesty. I really felt it this year with Amber Heard and that Biggens dude - particularly Amber Heard as I experienced domestic violence with an intimate partner in the past and to hear her bisexuality used as due cause was very painful. Unsurprisingly.

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