It might sound obvious, but it has taken me nearly 40 years to smell the coffee. So now I have got it, I want to shout about it! I’m sorry it’s long.
I have name changed so that this isn’t linked to my posting history. The back story is that I experienced verbal and physical abuse from my adoptive parents from age 5 until I left home at 18. I grew up feeling inadequate and believed I was a bad person. I was certainly told I was bad often enough, and when I wasn’t bad, I was a blithering idiot; difficult, lazy, argumentative, uppity, messy and uncoordinated. Whatever I did, I managed to do it wrong.
And I must have been bad, right? My childhood was different from my peers, so it must have been my fault that mine wasn’t the same. My friends loved and trusted their parents. I was scared of mine.
I was hit with a variety of objects; kitchen implements, shoes, and an item intended for animal training. Again I believed it was my fault. If anyone asked how I got a particular mark I used to lie about it because I was ashamed that I had been hit, (and so must have done something that “deserved” punishment). I couldn’t tell anyone about it. Again the comparison didn’t help, my friends were rarely hit, so they were “better” than me. But the shouting was even worse than the hitting, both APs would scream in my face with rage, and I was terrified. I tried so hard to be good, but it was never enough. I could never measure up.
Now in my forties I have grown up to be introverted, shy, anxious and far too eager to please. I don’t think I have an assertive cell in my body. I belatedly started counselling because I wanted to take control of my life and stop feeling downtrodden. And thanks to my brilliant counsellor (MBC), I have finally said out loud that it wasn’t my fault.
MBC asked me why I was hit, and instead of giving an example “because I was late for tea” for the first time I heard myself saying “because they were angry, because they lost control”. And I know it should be obvious, but my beliefs were so strong that Its an enormous revelation. It feels like a proverbial weight has been lifted and I have carried it round with me for far to long. I still have some way to go with the counselling, and I am sure that I have some challenges ahead, but suddenly my future looks and feels different. I can start again, and be a version of me that I like.
So I want to share this. I also want to say thank you. I have lurked here and on stately homes for a long time, and have read some very good advice. MBC has helped me, but so have these boards, even though I haven’t posted about this issue. The advice to others helped to nudge me in the right direction. I had already begun to question my existing beliefs because of comments I read here. I began to realise that what had happened to me wasn’t right. I was ready for change. Ready for MBC to give me a final push.
So thank you. Thank you very, very much to all of you for your wise words and blunt advice. I want you to know that you have helped me.
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It wasn’t my fault that I was hit as a child.
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PattySimc0x · 09/08/2016 16:08
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