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It wasn’t my fault that I was hit as a child.

(11 Posts)
PattySimc0x Tue 09-Aug-16 16:08:44

It might sound obvious, but it has taken me nearly 40 years to smell the coffee. So now I have got it, I want to shout about it! I’m sorry it’s long.

I have name changed so that this isn’t linked to my posting history. The back story is that I experienced verbal and physical abuse from my adoptive parents from age 5 until I left home at 18. I grew up feeling inadequate and believed I was a bad person. I was certainly told I was bad often enough, and when I wasn’t bad, I was a blithering idiot; difficult, lazy, argumentative, uppity, messy and uncoordinated. Whatever I did, I managed to do it wrong.

And I must have been bad, right? My childhood was different from my peers, so it must have been my fault that mine wasn’t the same. My friends loved and trusted their parents. I was scared of mine.

I was hit with a variety of objects; kitchen implements, shoes, and an item intended for animal training. Again I believed it was my fault. If anyone asked how I got a particular mark I used to lie about it because I was ashamed that I had been hit, (and so must have done something that “deserved” punishment). I couldn’t tell anyone about it. Again the comparison didn’t help, my friends were rarely hit, so they were “better” than me. But the shouting was even worse than the hitting, both APs would scream in my face with rage, and I was terrified. I tried so hard to be good, but it was never enough. I could never measure up.

Now in my forties I have grown up to be introverted, shy, anxious and far too eager to please. I don’t think I have an assertive cell in my body. I belatedly started counselling because I wanted to take control of my life and stop feeling downtrodden. And thanks to my brilliant counsellor (MBC), I have finally said out loud that it wasn’t my fault.

MBC asked me why I was hit, and instead of giving an example “because I was late for tea” for the first time I heard myself saying “because they were angry, because they lost control”. And I know it should be obvious, but my beliefs were so strong that Its an enormous revelation. It feels like a proverbial weight has been lifted and I have carried it round with me for far to long. I still have some way to go with the counselling, and I am sure that I have some challenges ahead, but suddenly my future looks and feels different. I can start again, and be a version of me that I like.

So I want to share this. I also want to say thank you. I have lurked here and on stately homes for a long time, and have read some very good advice. MBC has helped me, but so have these boards, even though I haven’t posted about this issue. The advice to others helped to nudge me in the right direction. I had already begun to question my existing beliefs because of comments I read here. I began to realise that what had happened to me wasn’t right. I was ready for change. Ready for MBC to give me a final push.

So thank you. Thank you very, very much to all of you for your wise words and blunt advice. I want you to know that you have helped me. flowers

thestamp Tue 09-Aug-16 16:36:49

I'm so sorry you went through such dreadful times. And yet this is a lovely post in a way. I'm happy for you that you've been able to start feeling that compassion and understanding for the child that you were. You're so strong. I hope you continue to go from strength to strength.

Cloudylemons Tue 09-Aug-16 16:39:12

I'm sure others will be along to say just the right thing, but in the meantime, I'll say well done you, for realising it wasn't your fault. I'm mid fifties and only realised about five years ago, that as a quiet, well behaved and shy little girl, I couldn't possibly have done anything that warranted being hit so hard with hands and household things that my body was bruised, and always within my clothes. I'd heard of smacking, but only realised then that that wasn't a smack! So if friends had a smack, I thought I was the same. I grew up, had my children, didn't smack them, and suddenly saw how my mother had abused me. I can't now see her, but I can't tell her why. Anyway, you're right, it was never your fault flowers

PattySimc0x Tue 09-Aug-16 17:04:48

Thank you thestamp and Cloudy flowers for you too. It is hard to realise what's actually going on at the time isn't it? And I am certain that you didn't deserve it either.

pocketsaviour Tue 09-Aug-16 17:17:50

Well done OP flowers

It takes so much courage to break free of these familiar thought patterns. You are doing amazing work. Keep at it.

LittleMissUpset Tue 09-Aug-16 17:22:32

It's a huge realization isn't it flowers

I know it's different but it's only recently I have realized my husbands behaviour isn't because of anything I've done, and I've spent years thinking it's my fault and even went for counselling to sort myself out!

It was then I realized that while I'm not perfect, what I'm asking for in a relationship isn't unrealistic and you can't compromise with someone who can't see that they are in the wrong at all, ever! I still doubt myself though sometimes!

I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood, and I'm glad you see it wasn't your fault flowers

erinaceus Tue 09-Aug-16 20:25:41

flowers

I am sorry that you suffered so much. I am glad you see now that it was not your fault. Wishing you every success, peace and happiness moving forwards.

lasttimeround Tue 09-Aug-16 21:03:42

Slightly tearful reading that. Well done OP. That's a huge realisation. I'm so sorry you went through that abuse.

PattySimc0x Tue 09-Aug-16 21:34:20

Thank you all of you for your kind words. I haven't ever really shared what happened to me. (The shame thing again). DH knows some of it, but not a lot of the details, so sharing it here anonymously is a step towards telling people in real life.

Thank you again for reading and best wishes to anyone who has been through similar.

bellasuewow Tue 09-Aug-16 21:58:53

Thank you op this is inspirational to read and has given me a lot of food for thought in it's honesty good for you

PattySimc0x Tue 09-Aug-16 22:16:16

Thank You Bellasue I appreciate your words.

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