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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ive messed up my whole life

54 replies

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 09:47

I was married with kids, husband was 'great' things started to slide as they do after 15 yrs H didn't pay any attention I picked up all the slack he buried his head in the sand, my head was turned and I left him as I thought that was the right thing to do for all of us.

Gave him chances but he didn't seem bothered so I carried on with OM - that was last year. I explicitly asked him to come on holiday with me last year but he refused due to work so I took that as a sign he didn't want to save his marriage. I also spent NYE with him and friends and again he didn't seem bothered?! H and I got on OK but he constantly hounded me via text about what had happened and I was trying to buy a house so I divorced him (this year) still no real objection just about who pays.

So I try to give it a go with OM since NYE - I buy a house and we were due to move in together but things aren't right with him so last week I ended it.
H had just started seeing some 25 yr old at work and although he said he loved me on the phone last week he has completely cut me off...I'm devastated.

I've begged for him to come on holiday with me and the kids again but he's refused, I know you are all going to say it was my fault because that's exactly what H says but I just don't understand why he's been hounding me for so long, tells me he loves me and slams the door shut in my face, I'm heartbroken I honestly thought we would find a way of being together.

He says he wants to be friends and I've invited I'm round for his tea tomorrow night?!! WTF

I keep messaging him and hounding him like he did me, Im in such a state atm, and I know its all I deserve..

OP posts:

Report

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers · 09/08/2016 09:52

You cheated on him, broke up your family and when it didn't work out with the other man, you EVENTUALLY want to give it another go with your husband. Again. And he has moved on? Good for him.
You've made your bed.

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 09:55

Thanks

OP posts:

RNBrie · 09/08/2016 09:55

Um... You thought it would work even when you were still seeing the other man?

Your dh hounded you because he was broken hearted and felt like shit. Now he's met someone who is nice to him and doesn't feel like shit, he's realised he's worth more than the crappy way you treated him.

Stop hounding him, leave the poor man alone. Let his relationship run it's course and stop encouraging him to cheat on his new girlfriend. Use the time alone to fix your life so you're happy. If his relationship comes to a natural end then prove to him you've learned your lesson.

MardyGrave · 09/08/2016 09:56

You've treated your husband appallingly, truly cruel behaviour.

You need to leave him have happiness with someone else, and work on yourself and why you allowed yourself to treat another human being, one you profess to love in such a way.

YorkieDorkie · 09/08/2016 10:04

Yes you've messed up. I think you were happy with this other guy whilst knowing that H was unhappy without you. Now he's moved on you're no longer in the driving seat. I'd be very concerned about your controlling attitude.

I gather it's a jealousy thing as you mentioned she's a 25yo. I hope she treats him well.

ravenmum · 09/08/2016 10:05

Yes, you messed up, as you put it yourself. Time to start building up a new life for yourself and your children. You can't fix the past but you can work on the future.

You're divorced, so clearly the marriage is a closed book, but if you have kids you will have to work out some kind of relationship with your ex. But not necessarily even a friendship; just being civil to one another would be enough. Any closer and it sounds like you're at risk of getting in a mess again. That would be hard on the kids.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 09/08/2016 10:10

What's done is done, sounds like there were lots of issues in your marriage and there were reasons why the relationship ended. take time to grieve, then pick yourself up and move forward. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy, start a new phase when you concentrate on yourself and your children.

Whenwillthisphaseend · 09/08/2016 10:29

Let him move on with dignity he deserves it, you have messed him around long enough.

pallasathena · 09/08/2016 10:31

Is he maybe looking to hurt you just as much as you hurt him?

user7755 · 09/08/2016 10:39

I've messed up my life

I wonder if that indication of your priorities has anything to do with your husband's reluctance to put himself back with you again?

You have kids.
You had a husband.

You are only thinking about yourself.

SoleBizzz · 09/08/2016 10:48

You don't like being single.

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:06

I'm trying to let him move on, I'm happy he's found someone I'm just so sad. We had some really good times together, it hurts.

No one ever understands what goes on in a marriage they just judge from the outside that's the painful part.

I've never been single before.

OP posts:

user7755 · 09/08/2016 11:10

Then maybe now is a good time to start. It might give you time to reflect on your behaviour.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2016 11:11

Ah, there's the truth at last

"Ive never been single"

And you're scared. So you want your DH back because he's better than being alone

He really does deserve better

YorkieDorkie · 09/08/2016 11:12

You're saying people are judging your marriage but you had bought a house with another man!

If you hadn't moved on then yes, people are going to tell you you've been pretty daft. And that's putting it very politely.

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:13

I didn't buy a house with another man, the house is mine!

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 09/08/2016 11:15

Wow - never been single?! Seems it could be a really useful learning experience for you - about yourself & how you interact with other people & what you expect from them & what (if anything?) you give in return. Concentrate on being the best person you can be & a good. mum to yr kids and things will improve.

MardyGrave · 09/08/2016 11:15

Do you think you'd feel as sad if things had worked out with the man you chose to have an affair on your husband with?

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:16

Is it wrong to be scared?

OP posts:

NedStarksHead · 09/08/2016 11:19

It's not wrong to be scared, but what you've done to your husband is wrong.

It sounds like he needs to be given the chance to move on and be treated fairly, and you need to take the chance to be single and reflect on how you treat other people.

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:20

It was never right with OM but I chose to 'make my bed and lie in it' - I deserve all I get I know you will all rip me to shreds, I don't know why I posted.

OP posts:

timelytess · 09/08/2016 11:21

Not at all, most sensible people are scared some o f the time.

As to your H, shake him off. Get busy with other things, remind yourself he is part of your past. Your new ex, the same.

You have a house, you have children, you'll be fine. Spend the next year partnerless, to get to know yourself.

All will be well.

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category12 · 09/08/2016 11:22

I think you have had your exh as a safety net, in your mind, and now he's moved on. But look at this as an opportunity to find out who you are as an individual, not as part of a couple. If you have never been single before, it must be scary.

But you've got this, you have a new home and a new start. Think about things you want for you and the dc and your future, outside of having a man, and pursue those things.

TheNaze73 · 09/08/2016 11:25

What are you really upset about OP? That you're single, it didn't work out with the other man or your exH has found happiness with a younger woman?

RestlessTraveller · 09/08/2016 11:27

Treat posting on here and getting "ripped to shreds" as catharsis. Then acknowledge your behaviour and pick yourself up. You've never been single, this is the time you find out who you really are and hopefully you'll realise you are stronger than you think. Get on with it, put your kids first and enjoy life for a while WITHOUT A MAN. This was if you do have another relationship you'll be a better person and know what you want. Good luck.

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