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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pretty livid right now but AIBU..........

21 replies

BettySwallocks221 · 09/08/2016 09:07

More of a lurker than a poster but I've seen some of the excellent advice that other posters have received so would be interested in 3rd party opinions for my situation.

Background is that for almost a year now I have been dating a much younger guy who is in the process of a divorce. I've met his family and his kids etc and we get along very well together.

Anyway when we had been dating for just a few months I had a birthday and I would have to say his effort was pretty under-whelming! No card or even a small present until about a week after the event he finally turns up with a card and a small box of sweets which i was delighted with as I didn't ever expect a huge, expensive gift i just wanted to feel appreciated and he swore he would make it up to me as soon as he could, I'm still waiting by the way.

This weekend his ex has moved in with someone else (not sure if that is relevant!) and it was her birthday this weekend past also. During a phone call yesterday he said he had reminded his kids that it was very important that they remember and mark their mum's birthday and how they mustn't upset their mum by not doing anything on the day. I couldn't help myself but I asked him why was he so concerned about her birthday when my birthday was a non-event in his eyes and he just said "you're too old for birthdays" which he thought was a joke. It may seem petty but this is not the first time he has promised me something and let me down and I was deeply hurt at the time as he had promised to take me out to celebrate. I'm starting to feel a bit of a mug!

I'm also beginning to think this is just too much hard work and my motto has always been the moment someone makes you feel bad about yourself is the time you walk away - i think that time has come for me.

But am i being over-sensitive??

OP posts:

Report

hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2016 09:10

No you are not.
Get rid.
I'm sure you've posted before and you were given similar advice.
You know it's time to walk away.
'Too old for birthdays'!? I'd have kneed him one right in the groin for that comment.
He sounds like a cock and he is a cock.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 09:10

I think if he views you as 'old' rather than 'oldER,' it's dead in the water.

BettySwallocks221 · 09/08/2016 09:23

Not posted before but if there is/was a similar thread I would be interested to read the advice given there, was it recent?

I've not seen it, but it would help to know I'm not the only one who feels hard done by!

OP posts:

Tarttlet · 09/08/2016 09:51

If you want to leave, leave. If you want to stay, make it very clear how you feel and how important feeling appreciated is to you.

I have to say, though, I'd be upset by him encouraging his children to buy gifts for their mum - that does sound like he doesn't respect you, rather than him simply not "getting" gift-giving.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 10:19

Tartlett Why would that upset you? If I were single and dating a man with kids, I'd take that him reminding and encouraging his DC to remember and celebrate their mum's birthday as a big positive - He's actually doing the 'wifework.'

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2016 10:24

I have to say, though, I'd be upset by him encouraging his children to buy gifts for their mum - that does sound like he doesn't respect you, rather than him simply not "getting" gift-giving.

My parents are divorced. My mum always reminded us to buy presents for dad. Not so much vice versa because my dad is crap at birthdays but that's not relevant.

It's really important for the kids that the relationship between their parents is civil. There's absolutely nothing disrespectful to the op in him encouraging them to remember their mum's birthday.

His treatment of her on the other hand is pretty poor. Don't think about how he treat's their mum op, think about whether you want to be with someone who tells you you're "too old for birthdays".

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2016 10:25

Argh! Where did that apostrophe in treats come from?! Bloody autocorrect going rogue.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/08/2016 10:26

I thought you were going to say he bought her a present

Reminding his kids to buy their mum a present is completely different, and your birthday was only a few months into the relationship - so yabvu

corythatwas · 09/08/2016 10:30

Two separate issues here.

Him "doing the wifework" re his ex's birthday is part of his job as a parent: it has nothing to do with his relation to his ex, or with thinking she is more important than you: it is something he does, and should do, for his children.

But that doesn't mean you should not expect respect and consideration in your own right. Of course you should. In the early days of dating he should be anxious and eager to find out what makes you happy and should genuinely want to make you happy (unless your expectations are totally unreasonable, which is clearly not the case). It is a separate issue from his parenting. But it is an issue which shows how much he cares about your relationship.

SnotGoblin · 09/08/2016 10:31

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset about the comment he made (did he mean too old for birthday's compared to the children? That makes it 'slightly' better in my mind; not great though).

You are being unreasonable to have made a comment about your birthday AT ALL though. Did he turn up a week later with sweets because you'd maybe dropped a few HINTS that he'd forgotten or ignored your birthday?

I hope you can ride this rough patch if the relationship is something you both want to pursue.

rumred · 09/08/2016 10:40

Are there other issues bothering you? My ex gave me a carrier bag with a pan set and quilt cover in it, neither wanted. A week after my 50th. It was the final straw, there were other signs of meanness and so I ended it.

springydaffs · 09/08/2016 10:51

Erm. He's not treating like his mum is he?

Sorry to mention it.

Cary2012 · 09/08/2016 10:59

There are two issues here. I think it's nice that he reminded his kids to get their mum a present, shows that he sees the bigger picture. If he had wined and dined you on your birthday, turned up with flowers, you might not have given him reminding his kids a second thought. I think that's the problem, you feel hurt, and quite rightly, by his comment and lack of interest in your birthday. It's like he's more invested with the ex, than you. How big is the age gap, and how long since his marriage split?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 11:01

With the birthday gift - Honestly don't think it's a big deal. You're in a very new relationship, it's not like he didn't spoil you on your fifthieth, like poorrum.

Really the only 'issue' (if you can even call it that) here is his comment. Only you know his sense of humour and attitude towards your age gap, so only you can know if it's something to worry about.

Is there a bit of a maturity gap because of the age difference? I won't ask your age because a lady never tells But how old is he?

Tarttlet · 09/08/2016 11:23

SpecialAgent and PurpleDaisies - it wouldn't matter if he could be arsed to make an effort for OP (in fact, then it would be a nice positive, as you've both pointed out!), but apparently he can't. I'd be concerned about him being willing to put in the "wifework" for someone he's no longer romantically involved with, but being unwilling to do the same for the person he's actually romantically involved with.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/08/2016 11:24

Surely he's doing it for the children, not his wife?

BettySwallocks221 · 09/08/2016 11:26

To be honest there has been a series of let-downs which taken individually would seem petty but it's the cumulative effect of being promised something then let down time and time again.

OP posts:

ginghamstarfish · 09/08/2016 11:29

If you stay, on his birthday treat him as he treated you and his reaction will tell you a lot (although you should really be gone by then)

CoolioAndTheGang · 09/08/2016 11:32

Dating is as good as it gets, because usually when people are dating, they are trying their best. If this is his best, and it doesn't reach your acceptance, cut your losses now. It doesn't matter what other people think, it's your relationship and it's your choice, what is acceptable to you.

willconcern · 09/08/2016 11:49

Betty, if this is one in a series of events in which you feel let down, then why continue?

"your're too old for birthdays" - well, that's just mean, and shows how he sees you - like someone upthread said, he sees you as "old", not "older".

FWIW, my DP is older than me - sometimes I tease him about being "old", but your DP doesn't sound like he's teasing.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 11:57

If he is constantly getting your hopes up then not delivering, he aint worth it Betty, you deserve someone who keeps their word.

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