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I'm struggling to cope with everyday life

(30 Posts)
Imjustnotcoping Tue 09-Aug-16 08:35:21

I've name changed.

It's only half 8, I've been up for just half an hour and I've already yelled at the kids and I'm now locked in my room crying.
I can't cope anymore.
They are driving me to depression.
I yelled at them about a fucking yoghurt. My 7yr old took his 3yr old sister's from her because his had a plastic spoon. She then cried, I told him nicely (I always start off nicely) that that one was hers. He then cried because he didnmt want a baby spoon. He fucking cried over a plastic fucking spoon. I flipped. I yelled at him and belittled him for crying over a spoon.
I then went to my room to do a job, couldn't get the drawer open. Hit it because it wouldn't open and then just sat there crying.
My 7yr old is in his room playing and sulking, my 3yr old is crying outside my bedroom door. I don't want to open it. I know I'll just be cross.

I can't cope anymore. I never have fun with them, I yell at then every day, I belittle my 7yr old. If he hates me then I don't blame him. I'm miserable & impatient. The only time we do have fun is when we're outside with friends.

My dh works away. He is back next week. I'm on my own until then, no family close by. We moved away from family & friends 2yrs ago. I think that's half my problem, I want to move back but we can't.

I'm tempted to walk out as soon as he walks in next week.

I hate how I am to my 7yr old. He's so lovely and sensitive & I'm horrible to him.

ProcrastinatingNow Tue 09-Aug-16 08:44:03

Have you spoke to your gp or DH about how you feel?
Having dcs on your own is hard at times. Been there myself and probably will again.

If you think you have depression or feeling you can't cope, phone the gp. Now. Try and get an appointment today.

Then get on the park with the DC so they can burn off some steam while you sit and have a bit of peace. Take a tea/coffee with you so you feel like you're getting a break.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

category12 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:48:42

OK, doctor's appointment for you, and look at support services. Ask for help. You can turn this around flowers.

whatifwearetheanswer Tue 09-Aug-16 08:49:27

Oh OP you poor thing. What really stands out in your post is that your husband works away and you have no family nearby. You're doing all this on your own! No wonder you're run down.

Try to take each day at a time, don't think it's x amount of days until your husband comes home. Just get through today. As long as they're fed they're fine.

Can you get out today? How's the weather where you are? Why not drive and get a takeaway coffee or a treat for yourself, then go to the park and just sit with your coffee while the kids play. Even if it's only 10 mins it's a bit of fresh air for you all.

Longer term, have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? GP? If this is a recurring thing then you need some longer term support. Do you have friends nearby?

Also, it's school holidays isn't it. So when the bigger one goes back to school you'll have a bit of a break from them both together.

You can do it. Don't think bad of yourself, everyone has times like this.

Imjustnotcoping Tue 09-Aug-16 08:51:18

Thank you.

I really need to talk to dh about it. He has no idea how I'm feeling and what my parenting is like when he's not here. He'd be pretty shocked. I am so different when he's not here. I'm just so much more impatient and thriving for my own space.
My 3yr old whinges & whines about absolutely everything and I think it's her that has initially brought on these feelings of resentment towards them.
I feel like I am refusing to enjoy them.

whatifwearetheanswer Tue 09-Aug-16 08:54:54

It's impossible to enjoy them all the time! It's bloody hard work! Allow yourself to think I am not enjoying this at the moment. I think that's half the battle sometimes, the expectation to think everything's great and the guilt in admitting that you are having a shit time.

It is completely okay to feel like this. Don't set the bar too high.

Imjustnotcoping Tue 09-Aug-16 08:55:44

I am worried about going to gp. I know I will naturally minimise the way I am feeling as it only seems to occur when I am with dc on my own.
If I'm out with friends, and their dc then I seem to forget about how hard I am finding it all. It's a distraction, but also kind of makes me realise that I can cope. But when I get home, or in to the car the none coping side of me comes out.

ProcrastinatingNow Tue 09-Aug-16 08:55:54

I have a three year old and understand how you feel. All mine were buggers at 3.

Could you get the free hours at nursery now for her? If you do it every week rather than just term time it works out at around 12 hours free a week I think. Might help you over the holidays?

And get to the gp. I've had depression and I don't think you realise how bad you were feeling until you start to feel better.

whatifwearetheanswer Tue 09-Aug-16 08:59:16

I think that the fact that you feel fine when you're in the company of others just shows its a lack of support you're struggling with.

How far away are your family? Could you go and stay with them for a couple of days when your husbands away?

Try and get out every day. Out in the fresh air, wear the kids out so hopefully they'll sleep well and you can have a bit of alone time in the evenings.

Msqueen33 Tue 09-Aug-16 09:02:15

I so feel for you. I've got similar ages 7,6 and 3 and youngest two have autism. Youngest goes to bed at 10 (not through choice) and wakes at 4.30. I'm shattered so they're having icecream for breakfast because frankly I cannot be bothered. My dh works very long hours.

Is nursery an option for your youngest and maybe a holiday camp or sports camp for your seven year old?

Big hugs. Talk to your husband as he needs to know how you feel.

Imjustnotcoping Tue 09-Aug-16 09:06:56

Thank you whatif I do wonder whether other parents feel this way at times too. I understand that they probably do but I think I feel this way more than I should.
Friends comment on how patient I am with them, but when I get home I am different. I am like Jekyll & Hyde. It's so not fair on my dc, they don't know whether they're coming or going. One day I'll flip over something that didn't bother me the day before. It's crazy.

All I want to do more than anything right now is take to dog for a really long walk on my own

m0therofdragons Tue 09-Aug-16 09:08:35

I have an 8 yo and 4 yo twins. First week of the holiday came to an end and I looked at dh and said I couldn't live like this - the constant argues I'm refereeing and me being shouty mummy all the time. That's not my chosen style but they ignore everything else.
We ended up having a family meeting. I promised to try not to shout if they promised to listen to each other and work out disagreements themselves etc
We came up with some rules together (guided by us but dc feel it's their idea) so we can live happily together.
It felt like I was taking back control and dh backed me up. At the start of each day I explain what's going to happen, how I need them to behave etc and predict any issues (eg end of beach trip I said to each dc individually "we are leaving in 2 minutes. I have lots to carry to the car and we have that hill to climb. I need your help by listening and no grumbling - that would be super helpful for mummy" Amazingly it worked.
I'm also giving dc little jobs to do (tiny ones) so I have the opportunity to praise. Last night dh got home from work and it was the first time he's come in and I've said they've been really good - dd2 had a bit of a melt down but it was understandable and it was dealt with do overall it was great.
The bickering over nonsense is draining op - you're not alone flowers

jobrum Tue 09-Aug-16 09:09:39

What poster above said. You're not misserable and impatient and 'horrible' to your son because that's how you are, you have a mental health issue and you need to see your gp. We all have days like that, I shouted at my toddler the other day and hid upstairs because she wouldn't let me cut her nails. But if your having moments like this often and most days something isn't right. Have a look at things like the nhs website for depression and anxiety, I think you'll spot many of the things you're feeling. It's not you: you can feel better.

When you've calmed down, explain ti your children that you're sorry and you didn't mean to shout. Going to the park sounds like a great idea.

Imjustnotcoping Tue 09-Aug-16 09:10:59

mrqueen you are amazing!
My dd doesn't get free hrs until after christmas (she's 3 in Sept, but thought it easier to say she's 3 rather than 2 due to development).

I keep telling myself that it'll be so much easier when she's in school, but I can't keep thinking like that for the next 2yrs!

My family are 3hrs away. I am planning on going to stay with them then next time my dh goes to work.

Littleladylumps Tue 09-Aug-16 09:55:33

I do believe we are twins. My husband is home for an average of 8 hours a day in that time he includes sleep and drinking.
My children are the same age as yours. I have never thought anybody else is in the same boat and just can't cope with a normal day.
When I see other mums doing things and having fun I am so envious.

I am currently trying the 1 hour at a time approach as 1 day is just too long.
flowers
Your not alone

ProcrastinatingNow Tue 09-Aug-16 10:08:09

Can I ask which area you're in Littlelady and op?

JellyBean31 Tue 09-Aug-16 10:11:01

You DS will not grow up hating you. I was horrible to my DS2 when he was young, he was such hard work he exhausted me and I had no patience with him at all. He was a needy fractious child and I seemed to be constantly shouting at him or crying in front of teachers hmm

Anyway he is 18 now, we have a fabulous relationship, he's funny kind and considerate, he knows I love him and he loves me back. We have discussed the way things used to be a bit, I have just said that he clearly needed something from me that he couldn't communicate, and I got really frustrated that I couldn't work out what it was - that way neither of us is to blame (but I still feel guilty from time to time).

corythatwas Tue 09-Aug-16 10:24:33

I had a generally much happier experience when mine were little, but even so I did find the age of 3 very, very trying. I think it's a developmental thing: they are still trying to find out how much of their world they can control but they haven't actually got the experience or the power to do so effectively, they have just discovered the wonderful method of arguing for what they want- but then have to learn what it can and cannot get them. The methods that worked fine when they were babies (crying until mummy came) are now suddenly unacceptable. In many ways the age of 3 is an age when children discover how little power they have. A lot of them become happier when they get old enough to actually be able to have more freedom. I tend to think of it as a stage you just have to get through as best you can.

Things that helped for me:

disappearing into the kitchen and putting the kettle on when things got too much (surprised I didn't collapse from tannin poisoning during the terrible threes)

turning the radio up or putting on some music

singing loudly when I really wanted to scream

getting out of the house every day

meeting other parents and noting that their 3yos were just as whiny and difficult as mine

ignoring the ones who weren't

pretending I was someone else: I adopted a fake headmistress persona with thick slathering-on of faux briskness and cheerfulness, think twinset and sensible shoes and 6 months to go before retirement grin

I have teenagers. It's lovely. They sort out their own cutlery and bring me cups of coffee. But oh, I do remember that sense of utter frustration. The days when dh being half an hour late seemed a tragedy because I felt I simply could not cope with another minute.

Don't give up, OP; get help if you need it: it's the sensible thing to do. Do whatever you need to get you through the here and now. Things will get easier.

tireddotcom72 Tue 09-Aug-16 11:01:16

I'm the same except my dd is nearly 13. I'm a single mum with no family support and her dad is a useless twunt. I feel a rubbish mum some days when all I seem to do is argue with her

1weekdown5togo Tue 09-Aug-16 12:17:04

I know exactly how you feel op except I found three a lovely age. It's as mine have got older that I have lost my patience. Yesterday I swear they must have called mum a hundred times each, usually shouted from another room. Sometimes I find I am counting down the hours until they go to bed.

I am a single parent and it's hard when you are on your own. I think its brave to admit that you are different with other people than on your own. Surely that's normal. For me it's pure stress and exhaustion that makes me irritable so tackling that helps.

I agree that getting out and about is important and being with other people as much as possible. Then make life as easy as possible for you when you get home eg playing in the garden, downtime in front of the tv, get a set of toys out. My dd is nearly 10 but can still get a couple of hours out of happy land if I get the whole box out and set it up for her.

1weekdown5togo Tue 09-Aug-16 12:19:40

Also some children are easier than others. I have a whinger and a nagger whereas my niece is very placid and easily pleased and family have commented how hard my dc are to look after compared to her.

Littleladylumps Tue 09-Aug-16 12:54:50

In the Midlands. No family and no friends as we have just moved.

Imjustnotcoping Tue 09-Aug-16 13:35:10

I do find my 3yr old much much harder than my 7yr old has ever been.

We've been out this morning and feeling better now, but I know this isn't just a one off. I'll get cross again, it's like I bottle it up and then snap at the smallest thing. It's usually my dd's whining that triggers me snapping.

I feel so miserable. I have a good life and dh, I feel guilty for just wanting to do something else/be something else. I'm fed up of the mundane child rearing/house keeping. I'm doing a shit job at both!

ProcrastinatingNow Tue 09-Aug-16 13:57:09

I would get out to the local park if you have one little and you might find yourself becoming friends with other mums there. You're not local to me unfortunately.

It's great you got out op. I absolutely understand how you feel as I've been there myself. Please discuss it with your DH and gp. And it's great that you have a good life and DH, it doesn't mean though that being a parent isnt bloody hard work at times. I've found it hard in the past where I've been in tears and didn't think I'd make it through the day. I've shouted at the dcs when I've been so frustrated, lonely, fed up etc.

It will get better though. It really does. Please go to your gp. You don't have to feel like this.

Ifeelyourpain2 Tue 09-Aug-16 15:50:41

I often read these boards but have never felt compelled to register. This thread has changed that for me.

I feel I could have written it myself. I am a SAHM to a 5 (will be 6 in a month) and a 3 year old and I'm miserable. I can cope much better with others but we have no family around so I rely on friends and a lot of my friends work.

My husband is around more than yours by the sounds of it, but works very hard, leaving the house at 6am before the kids are up and gets home anywhere from 6:30pm to midnight. If he is getting home at half 6 (about twice a week), I bathe the kids and get them ready for bed so he can spend 20 minutes with them reading stories before their bedtime. I absolve myself of responsibility the moment we pick him up from the station!

I hate who I have become, I'm not the caring parent I used to be, I have no patience and shout far too much. I also see others having fun with their kids and I am so jealous, I've become so uptight and I am now just the person who dishes out rules and instructions, whilst cooking and clearing up. My poor 5 year old daughter bears the brunt of a lot of it and I worry she will grow up hating me as I'm so short tempered and grumpy. When I had just my daughter I coped infinitely better, but adding a second into the mix just means my patience is constantly frazzled. I love them both very much - and it kills me to admit this - but I just don't enjoy them at the moment.

I'm sorry I haven't got much to add, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. People often say they think I have it together and I'm so patient with them, but like you, home is a different story. Jeckell and Hyde rings true here too.

It's very reassuring to hear that there are others who have felt like this and come out the other side.

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