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Really like him but he's grieving

(13 Posts)
cheesecadet Sun 07-Aug-16 17:55:52

Someone I know lost his partner two months ago. I'm not going to instigate anything but we've been chatting nearly every day. He showed an interest in me a long time ago.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Sun 07-Aug-16 18:02:02

Just give him a wide berth. If it's meant to be he'll come to you.

ElspethFlashman Sun 07-Aug-16 18:03:24

Noooooo.

Heard a good one here yesterday: "widows grieve; widowers replace"

Be more than a replacement.

cheesecadet Sun 07-Aug-16 18:23:46

Thanks for the replies.

Buttered that's what I think too.

Elsbeth yeah I don't want him looking for a replacement, I'd like him to like me for me!

grobagsforever Sun 07-Aug-16 18:27:36

Well as a young widow (33, now 35) who knows a number of young widows and widowers I don't think that rather insulting saying is true. I still grieve but after a year I chose to seek out a new relationship. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

However - 2 months is too soon. Most widowers will date within six months and remarry within 2 years, for women it is 3-5 years, these are the stats.

Be a friend. If he seems ready in six months or so consider asking. Life is short.

cheesecadet Sun 07-Aug-16 18:38:52

Thank you grobags. Sorry about your loss. Are you still in your new relationship? Were you completely ready?

I'm being a friend to him, and he really appreciates this. There's been no mention on both sides of anything happening. I'm not putting a time on it, you can't. But yes life is short.

Somerville Sun 07-Aug-16 21:26:46

I agree with grobags <waves>. And I am in similar position to her.

I met my fella 16 months after DH died. I don't know if I was/am 'ready' - in that I still miss my husband a lot, and have days when I'm a crap girlfriend because I just feel like a bereaved wife. But he's gentle with me on those days, and doesn't feel jealous or resentful.. just leaves me to it until I cheer up. But I've learned that it is entirely possible to be happy and sad all at the same time. And that life is for the living....

I don't think you should avoid him. He needs a support network. But don't let yourself be a quick rebound, and get hurt yourself in the process.

WannaBe Sun 07-Aug-16 21:29:38

You say he showed interest in you a long time ago? How long? Before his partner died? Tread carefully on this one.

cheesecadet Sun 07-Aug-16 21:51:28

wannaBe years and years ago.

He met his partner only this year.

Somerville Sun 07-Aug-16 23:44:40

She was his partner but they met this year?

This chap moves fast.

tipsytrifle Sun 07-Aug-16 23:56:27

Extreme caution required here. He showed an interest in you which he did not advance. Instead he "loved" another who has now passed away. Timings are really "off" for there to be any "partner" thing going on, ok maybe gf/bf but a matter of months? He may be shocked of course, at this outcome, but if she hadn't died would he still have interest in you? Would he have been chasing you as an aside? Is it just you with some unresolved feelings toward him? Probably best to let this one go and leave room for the right-er man to find room in your life.

Cabrinha Mon 08-Aug-16 00:08:49

Ugh to grieve vs replace.

My widower fiancé waited 3 years to date. It's been over 4 years now since his wife died, and today he went to her grave to give her flowers and to tell her the latest news on her children, and him - as he does most weeks. He grieves every day - though it's rarely a raw and biting grief now - and he's also engaged to me. I do not replace her. She's irreplaceable. Horrid saying.

OP - it's up to the widower to decide when to date again, but I'd say after 2 months I'd never trust that they're ready, even if they think they are (sorry that that is patronising).

Keep being a friend, instigate nothing, and turn down any advances for the time being.

cheesecadet Mon 08-Aug-16 08:47:22

Thanks for the replies.

He showed interest in me at school 15 years ago and I've not seen him since.

He hasn't moved fast. We are only chatting through texting.

Cabrinha that's exactly what I'm doing.

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