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Reconciling marriage not working need advice on divorce!!

(3 Posts)
Shoztom Sun 07-Aug-16 17:24:55

Hi I'm quite new so will probably get abbreviations wrong, so sorry in advance.

Right my husband had an affair started in Dec 2015, I thought it was a one night stand but in Feb found out he'd been seeing the HW. Since then it's been a nightmare cycle of couples councilling, him being withdrawn, heavy drinking, disappearing for days on end ignoring my calls etc. Then coming back saying he wants the marriage to work and that its all over with her.

He took me away for the week recently and we had a good time, getting on again, enjoying time with the kids but he started withdrawing again towards the end of the holiday. When I pressed for why he admitted he loves her and he just doesn't feel that way for me anymore. To say this was devastating is an understatement but I suppose not a shock I just didn't want to accept it.

I have told him that affairs aren't like real relationships, just fantasy. We always had a deep bond and were so in love, great sex life etc and I think what he's feeling is just new excitement. He said that "it is real" what he feels.

We have two young kids together who he loves to bits. We've been married ten yrs and I have a 17 yr old from a previous relationship who he's brought up from 4. She can be a difficult teenager but he Is being unreasonably nasty to her and it's as though he hates her. This is causing tension between us as he keeps having a go.

After a situation two days ago where he started saying I'm too soft with her and calling her all kinds of names I calmly asked him why he can't be more forgiving like the forgiveness we have shown him after the affair and an assault on me where he was arrested at 2am thanks to my daughter calling the police ( probably the reason for such resentment for her). He claims he was too drunk to remember hitting me but doesn't believe he would ever do that- o think he's lying....

Anyway the whole forgiveness thing started him off again where he told me how he'd forgiven me for "two years of hell"- a story he seems to have stuck with for The last few months to justify the affair where in reality I was buckling under the pressure of being a cook, cleaner, did the shopping, worked full time, did everything for the kids. Plus a lot of work related stress and no support from him. He ended up going out and has only returned this evening (after not answering his phone for two days).

While he was gone I read a few posts on here which I found helpful about men coming back after affairs and just slotting back into routine and not showing remorse or trying hard at all. That's how he's been really and I feel it's just matter of time before he leaves again. My marriage has always been so important to me and because of the kids I don't want them to be without a father, also even after everything I still love him (I know stupid!). But it has suddenly dawned on me that I would be better off without him as he's just making me so miserable and I don't see the point in just separating. I think Ive made up my mind and will divorce him but I need advice for how best to go about this. I don't know anything about it. Also I'm only 35 and I don't fancy a life being single, any advice in the single parent dating dept would be gratefully received- think I have a lot of baggage! Thanks for reading smile

newworldnow Sun 07-Aug-16 17:36:30

Wow! What an awful entitled man. You are doing the right thing. Go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling but keep it under wraps for now.
You have to do it for the sake of your eldest.

Shoztom Sun 07-Aug-16 17:48:50

Thanks! I already told him that's what I want but I think he probably doesn't believe I will go ahead with it. Also he said he's not leaving until he finds somewhere so that'll give me time to sort things out. One of the main things I'm worried about is that he'll take off and I won't know where he is so won't be able to direct his mail etc
Do you know anything about legal aid as I know when there's been domestic violence you may be entitled but there is not anything specific on the internet

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