I am so low

[amatuermummy]

My husband walked out on me last weekend. There was no real warning, he just went out for a ride on his bike and texted to say he wasn't coming back. He has been suffering from depression and had a recent change of medication which is known for making people feel a lot worse before they feel better but he doesn't think this is related. He is staying at his mum's.

He says that he loves me and cares for me more than anyone in the world but at the moment he doesn't know if he loves me as a wife or as a best friend. He wants me to be a part of his life but he isn't sure in what 'capacity' (his words). He says that he is hopeful that the time apart will help him to sort his head out and that we may get back together but I need to move forward as if we have split up for my own happiness, just in case we don't work out.

I am completely broken, we were so happy. We have 2 children and this has confused them. He has been here to see them every day but I have found it hard today as he has done things with them that we would usually do as a family. I have cried on and off since he left this afternoon and now that the children are in bed I just can't stop crying. I miss him so much and I can't believe that this has happened to me.

[SaggyNaggy]

I have no words that can salve the wound for you op.
Meaningless are all that I can send and a kind thought in hopes it is his illness and that he just needs time.

[Greenandmighty]

Dear amatuermummy, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Sending you a hug. Did you manage to speak to your dh today? He owes you a face to face conversation. It's cowardly of him to ride off and text. Do you have any RL support? Have you shared with anyone? You need to get some real support at this time. xx

[amatuermummy]

Thank you. I hope so too, he does acknowledge the depression may be a part of this but he doesn't want to just blame that. I am hoping that the time apart will make him want to come home. Although he is here every day so maybe I should try to let him have the children on his own and - as hard as it will be for me - try to distance myself. Absence make the heart grow fonder and all that.

[amatuermummy]

Yes, we have talked. He has just said what I said in my OP. It doesn't seem very clear to me so I can't really explain it properly. He is the sort of person who doesn't deal with things if they are too stressful or upsetting so he would rather pop over to visit, talk about his day and mine but not actually have a difficult conversation. He has barely taken any belongings with him and when I told him I had applied for the single person discount for the council tax, he said he didn't want to think about that. He talks about things as if he's going to be back here soon but then sometimes says 'if we don't get back together'.

I am confused but I think he is too. He said he feel emotionless and that he is dead inside. My worry is that it is the depression but if he isn't willing to address that or see it as the problem, things won't get better. I am hoping that he starts to feel more stable when the medication starts to work. But if he doesn't want to be with me, what can I do? I am so lonely. I have told my family and a couple of close friends so I do have support but it's difficult as I don't want to worry my family with how low I feel.

[amatuermummy]

He's messaged me because he's worried about me. I asked if he was any happier now and he said he wasn't and that he was struggling with things too. I asked how this is a good thing then and he just said it's something he needs to do.

No clearer really but it looks like I just have to ride this out and hope he realises what he will lose. In the mean time I have to sort things out for my children and me as if he's not coming back, just so we're ok.

[Justaboy]

Poor you and poor him and your children. Its a vile illness i have had experience of that with my first wife. All i can advise is to stay strong and supportive and positive and try to understand him and his condition. Have you had any help with this from say his or your GP?. Sadly mental illness is poorly understood by most people. I remember most everyone saying to her to pull yourself together which indicated how its not understood.

Make sure if you can that he does take his meds, depressives are sometimes not that good at following treatment regimes. Stay strong and try to cope with it as best you can for his and your sakes

Wishing you well anyway:-).

[amatuermummy]

Thank you for the response. The mornings are easier than the evenings so I'm not too bad now. I know it will get easier but I don't want to have to get used to be alone.

[amatuermummy]

*being

[SeaCabbage]

What a horrible shock.

You are in a horrible no mans land which is so unsetttling.

I do think that seeing him every day is just going to re-open the wounds every day and not allow you to heal. Can you arrange for him to see the kids without you being there? Having him round to your house really isn't fair on you.

If he wants to split up and move out then he needs to sort out his own way of having time with the children. Away from you.

I wish you well.

[amatuermummy]

I know, I have been thinking maybe I should say he needs to have the children on his own. The thing is I am desperate to see him so I like him coming here. But I don't think it's healthy. I get so anxious and worried when I don't hear from him or see him.

It's going to take me a long time to adjust.

[Justaboy]

I don't think its "unhealthy" as such he is suffering from a depressive illness would you say the same if he had a borked leg or most any other illness?.

Have you tried speaking to your GP for any help or support that might be beneficial to you to help you to cope better you obviously care for him still and it must be frightening and a bit scary having this happen.

Do please try to seek some help and assistance with coping with it all:)