Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm so confused

(91 Posts)
Rinoachicken Sat 06-Aug-16 16:40:13

This will be long, I'll try to be as clear as possible.

I have been married for 9 years. Everything was fine until our first DS(6). DH and I agreed he would be a SAHD (his idea) because I earned double. He began to get really sarcastic and belittling towards me.

We moved house and because I don't drive DH would drive me to work and back. He began to make excuses as to why we couldn't go places, or why he couldn't go out to places. He would make me feel guilty for going anywhere except work. There were occasions when he would say he was too ill to look after our DS so I would have to take a day off work and then he'd feel better all of a sudden. He hated where we were living and would blame his bad moods on the environment, being stuck there whilst I got to go to work.

He was also raping me, but I was in denial about it at this point, making excuses for him. I suffer from mental illness and I went into a deep depression to the point of being suicidal.

We moved again and I hoped it would be OK because we were back in a town and DH loved the new place. But nothing changed, he seemed to get even more controlling.

Then there was an 'incident' where I couldn't deny to myself what had happened. I went to the police and asked DH to leave the house which he did. He admitted to the police what had happened. I didn't want him charged so he was warned.

I had no support or anyone to talk to. I didn't know what to do. He came back home after two weeks. We slept apart for 3 months but then his mum came to stay so he had to come back to our bed.

We had some couples therapy and things did get a bit better for a while. I wasn't mentally stronger and felt able to challenge his behaviour.

We had DS2 (3), he was not planned but welcomed. DH continued gradually slipping back into old ways.

So I am now in this position:

I am dependent on DH for managing my medication, he makes sure I'm eating properly etc. I get higher rate PIP and he gets carers allowance.

I don't drive. I got a motorbike which was AMAZING but it's currently off the road and DH doesn't want me riding it anymore. I took driving lessons in secret but failed my test and DH doesn't want to waste the money for me to have more lessons. A colleague drives me to work and back 4 days out of 5 with DH doing the other 1.

I go to church, which is the only place I get to go with DH blessing. I go with the boys and he stays at home. It's walking distance. I joined a house group and ladies group but there always seems to be a reason why I can't go, like DH is feeling ill, or he says one of the boys has been ill, or he's had a tough day and it's not fair on him. The groups are after the boys bedtime.

DH never goes out except to do school runs, see his mum, baby groups. I've encouraged him to go to football etc to have some time for him but he won't. He says he doesn't need any friends because he has me, and that he knows I struggle looking after the boys for long periods because of my mental health.

If I leave the living room to go to the loo or kitchen he asks me where I'm going. If I'm too long he shouts or comes up to see where I've got to. If I have a phone call or am texting someone he asks who it is what it was about. He doesn't demand to know or anything like that but he gets all sulky and defensive if I won't say or ask why he wants to know.

I had an abusive childhood, which DH knows. He is still taking advantage of the fact I am unable to tell him no in bed. I o my show a little resistance before just complying and he doesnt seem to pay attention to that.

He is constantly making sarcastic and barbed comments towards me, and belittles me in front of others. I only have two friends and I haven't seen them at all this year because there has always been a reason it's not convenient, or if I have managed to arrange a date something will come up.

If I do ever manage to go out DH makes me feel really guilty about it, sulks etc. It's a big price I end up paying and it's hardly ever worth it so I don't bother even trying to go out mostly.

He's been really nice to me the last week which is freaking me out. And I feel so pathetic for letting myself get to this position where my husband being nice to me is 'abnormal'!

I know this is an abusive marriage. But I don't know what on earth I can do. We are joint council tenants so I can't make him leave. He is main carer for the boys and is sure to get custody as I can't drive and he will tell them I can't look after them because of my mental health. The boys adore him and would be devastated if I took them away.

So my plan is to stick this out until they are older. I just don't know what else I can do. I just need to endure a bit longer. I should have taken the chance while I had it but I missed it so now I'm truly stuck.

I can't talk to anyone about it because I work in adult social care. I am fully aware that if I spoke to my GP, my vicar or any of my colleagues they would have a duty to report it because I am a 'vulnerable adult'. Then I would lose my children.

I just don't know what to do.

Please be kind. I've never posted on this forum before.

fusspot66 Sat 06-Aug-16 16:45:29

He wants you think.you.would.lose you children and that you.need him to cope. From the outside looking in, I can.see that he is the cause of a lot of your MH issues. Report him to.the police for.the continued rape and coercion. He is controlling you. You'd be so.much happier without him.

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Aug-16 16:50:42

A police officer has just gone to prison for a long time for raping his partner - she recorded it using her sleep app. I think if you do something like that it's proof to yourself and to others that you are not going mad and that you didn't consent.

The thing is, OP, is that he has you convinced he'd win on all these things. The children might be distraught now if he left, but they would be if you left, too. They'd also be heartbroken as adults if they knew what you were putting up with for their sakes.

He sounds like a controlling, insecure and vicious man. I think you should contact Women's Aid here and look at the advice they give on there regarding covering your tracks.

Rinoachicken Sat 06-Aug-16 23:32:42

I spoke to Womens Aid before, they were nice, someone one was going to come and see me from my local branch, but they never came.

Cabrinha Sat 06-Aug-16 23:48:13

I'm so sad and angry for you reading this sadangry

I agree with PP that your MH would improve if you weren't in this situation, with him.

Please do push WA again. I find this with my sister (not WA, but various support like Homestart) - they don't show up, so she seems to use that as an excuse to just stop trying to improve things. And cuts her nose off to spite her face. I'm sorry you've been let down by them, but I really think you should speak to them again and again until you do get more time with them.

Rinoachicken Sun 07-Aug-16 09:09:27

My self esteem is just so low at the moment. I find myself thinking along the lines of 'well the boys are happy, so what if I'm not, it's not worth the risk of me losing them.' I put myself last for their sake.

I've been sexually abused and exploited since I was 14. I'm now 33. This has become my normal. On the one hand I tell myself I can endure this, I've been through much worse this is nothing. But then I lie in bed at night and I am dead inside.

HandbagCrazy Sun 07-Aug-16 09:26:19

OP, you know how bad your situation is. Please please contact women's aid, or at least call rape crisis and talk to them about what's happening. You don't have to tell them who you are so no risk to you.

Also, just incase you weren't sure - you absolutely do not deserve this.

In a normal marriage, one person doesn't make all the decisions (for example, my DH doesn't particularly like one of my groups of friends - we both know this but he still gives me a lift out / home when I want to see them because who I see and where I go are up to me).
Just because he says you won't cope, he will get custody, your MH is too bad, doesn't make it so. If you can stand back and see it objectively, he has a motive to tell you these things. Having you feeing unsure and worried cripples you mentally and stops you focusing on how he manipulates you, controls you and rapes you.

Another horrible thing to consider is that if he is belittling you at home and in public, your DC are seeing this and thinking that it's normal. They are learning how to have a relationship from you, learning that women are to be controlled, that you can speak to them how you like, that they are there to serve and do not deserve respect. If they haven't already, they will eventually mimic him and treat you badly. He sounds such a bully they are going to want to please him / placate him to protect themselves. By staying you are not help them.

flowers for you OP. Keep posting

MephistoMarley Sun 07-Aug-16 09:32:01

Your boys aren't happy
Or they may appear to be but they are being damaged beyond understanding by being raised in this toxic environment. They will learn to be just like him.
If he continues to rape and coerce you then you can have him arrested. Then he will be made to leave the house and you will have your children with you.

LewisAndClark Sun 07-Aug-16 09:37:16

Call the police, report all the rapes and get him removed from the house.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

myownperson Sun 07-Aug-16 11:31:22

So sorry OP.

It might be worth trying to access help through Rape Crisis. You can find your local support here. All areas will vary I guess but where I live the domestic abuse service is massively oversubscribed and more support is available from the local rape/sexual abuse support organisation.

I hope you get some help. flowers

Rinoachicken Sun 07-Aug-16 12:34:25

I said to him last night that he's been really nice to me this week, he said he's always nice to me and I'm just noticing it. Is he right and it's all in my head?

I've started keeping a journal (on my phone so it's secure) and I'm writing down each day things he says or does, so I can know I'm not imagining it. Do you think that's a good idea?

Rinoachicken Mon 08-Aug-16 09:43:21

I'm going to try and convince him to let me take driving lessons so I can get my license. If I have my driving license then it will give me more options for leaving

LewisAndClark Mon 08-Aug-16 09:46:27

He won't let you.

You really need to consider getting him prosecuted for raping you.

ThatStewie Mon 08-Aug-16 09:53:30

Please call Women's Aid & Rape Crisis.

You don't need to learn to drive. You need to be safe. Call your local women's aid about accessing a refuge. There is a page of information on safety planning on their website. All you need to leave is you and your boys. If you can get birth certificates and bank statements or have time to take the kids toys, take them. But the most important thing is to get you and your children away from your abusive husband.

Candlefairy101 Mon 08-Aug-16 10:08:50

I having been planning to leave my partner (thanks to MN ladies) for 4 months, he hasn't left yet but he finally agreed yesterday. I let him think that it was both of us just so there was no arguments!

Anyway if I was you I would just do the driving licence, I don't know how you can get around doing it without him knowing because mine knows where I am every second of the day.

Plan, plan and plan your future. Think of every argument he will give to you, to the courts and please etc. Get 3 steps ahead because at the moment he has you exactly where he needs you. I wouldn't even tell him you want to leave because he will start playing a game and cover all his tracks.

Rinoachicken Mon 08-Aug-16 10:22:06

I confided in my colleague. He's going to take me to the police station after work. I'm going to say I have to work a bit late.

I'm just going to ask to talk to someone, get some advice. I'll update later.

Thank you all, I have no one in real life to help me through this, my family live in New Zealand. I'm so scared and I feel so alone

Rinoachicken Mon 08-Aug-16 10:31:05

Yes I think it's very important I have everything planned and prepared, all the information I need before he knows anything about it. When I reported him before he had his mum telling him to steal the boys etc. And he became very aggressive. I know I need to be so careful

user1469812985 Mon 08-Aug-16 10:34:28

You sound a lot like me OP, my (now ex) partner was also very abusive towards me, I was in good health when I met him, I'd always had issues with anxiety but it was well managed. He started abusing me and within months my mental health was so poor, he too was my carer, i receive pip, I also needed support with medication, eating etc. I was signed off work and in the end developed severe agoraphobia and couldn't leave my house. It took me so long to realise he was the cause of my mental health problems. He used to say to me 'I try so hard to help you, no one will ever understand your mental health like I do'. Which made me feel guilty, like I should appreciate him instead of trying to blame him. I left him last week. I can already feel my mental health improving. I used to put violent incidents to the back of my mind, but now I realise they were stored in my sub conscious and my brain was waiting for the next kick off.

You are worth so much more than this flowers

amammabear Mon 08-Aug-16 10:41:31

Gosh x I don't have anything to add, but I'm thinking of you x

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 08-Aug-16 11:13:08

Praying for you op. I really feel you need to speak with your pastoral care. You won't lose your children he is the monster not you. He has got it into your head you will so you won't leave him. X

Rinoachicken Mon 08-Aug-16 11:28:56

I am wondering if, since I'm classed as a vulnerable adult, social services might be able to help me? My biggest fear is losing my children but if I'm asking them to help
me protect them they will help me won't they?

I'm starting to think maybe I can do this. I know I can't drive but I could get a nanny maybe who can drive so they can do the school and nursery run while I keep working? Would that work do you think?

user1469812985 Mon 08-Aug-16 11:32:26

I'm a children's social worker and we would help you wether you were classes as 'vulnerable' or not. We would not remove your children because you wanted to leave an abusive man, quite the opposite in fact. You can ring them and refer yourself. If you were to be involved with police/ dv services it's likely you would be referred to them anyway. Don't be scared of working with them, they are there to support you. You are doing the right thing for you and your children, you are a brave strong woman. flowers

Rinoachicken Mon 08-Aug-16 11:54:44

Thank you, that's very reassuring to me

Anicechocolatecake Mon 08-Aug-16 12:39:22

I feel for you so much. I think your mental health would improve a lot away from this man. You are being raped continually and that must be soul destroying. Keep asking WA for help. Don't give up. We're all behind you

smilingeyes11 Mon 08-Aug-16 14:22:47

I am so pleased you are going to the police today. I know many abusive men threaten you with them gaining custody as a reason to force you to stay. Just because he says something it doesn't make it true.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now