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EX- separated 13 years ago, he still swears at me (Co parent) will this ever end?

(35 Posts)
Vegetablegarden Fri 05-Aug-16 23:24:20

Just got a series of sweary texts from my EX. He's completely changed the date our daughter is due back from staying with him (by a week). He said he'd organized it a couple of weeks ago but never told me...

I have tried to be NC (no contact) for years now, after a particularly ranting, nasty, series of emails and telephone calls. We live in different towns. He blames me because I moved (to be nearer my family, financial reasons too) 13 years ago. I have tried to be more than fair, arranged visits, kept the peace. But the result has been that at least twice a year I just get a series of horrible texts, always about our DD and his lack of time with her or a visit that he mucked up but blames me. His rants turn into just general digs.

Anyway, not sure if the details are important this time. I am just SICK of receiving texts from him or emails that I find abusive. I always respond with 'I am not responding to abusive texts' and then leave it. I know it's generally twice a year, and some other people have a lot worse. But why should I have this at all?

Grrrr.... And to top it all, our daughter says that she thinks 'I hate him'. Even though I have never, ever, moaned about him to her. She says that he 'is totally fine about me' but that I am not. So somewhere, at some point, she's picked up on my stress, or something. And I am being turned into the 'bad guy'.

I just feel like there is nothing that I can do! I don't even respond anymore, and yet they still come!

Msqueen33 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:30:32

He sounds like a real arsehole! It wouldn't surprise me if he is feeding things to your daughter. I'd say keep the texts and emails and when she gets older she could possibly then see him. You're doing the right thing by not engaging with him.

SharonfromEON Fri 05-Aug-16 23:34:32

How old is DD? Assuming she is over 13? I would say you are definitely on the homes stetch.. I assume as she gets older will be able to make more arrangements herself..

I tell my ds (9) who doesn't have contact I have no opinion on his dad ..It was a long time ago and I have forgotten a lot.

She may be been fed from her dad in a very subtle way ... I think not defending yourself is not a good idea as it gives her the idea it is true.

Reindeerlily Fri 05-Aug-16 23:40:56

I think you'd be better off not replying to the abuse. He obviously still thinks he has some kind of hold over you or something along those lines.
You could always just punch that motherfucker in the face but then I'm not one to condone violence. Especially against wanker exes. winkhmm

Vegetablegarden Fri 05-Aug-16 23:49:20

She's 14, totally adores her Dad, he treats her and let's her do what she wants so sometimes I think if she had to take a side, it would be him! I do all the boring stuff, school, homework.

I guess I am on the home stretch. And other people have this so much more. But today, as I woke up to 5 texts just ranting at me, I thought, it's been 13 years FFS!!! Why have any anger? I don't like it as it's all framed around a 'problem' that is somehow my fault.

Apparently this time it is because I expressed shock that my daughter is being dropped back a whole week later without any notice to me. It is my fault as I 'didn't get the text' which is because 'he is forced to not have normal communication' and I could f** tell his sick mother that she couldn't see her then, and that 'he hardly sees her'... on and on and on...

I just wonder how I can defend myself to my daughter. I did say, when she said that 'I hated her Dad' - that I didn't hate him, but that I kept a distance because sometimes he got very cross with me and I didn't like it. She didn't seem to get that, kept saying that 'her Dad didn't have a problem with me and was nice to me', so 'Why shouldn't I be nice to her Dad'. I am nice, by not being not nice!

Vegetablegarden Fri 05-Aug-16 23:51:33

Reindeer - Thanks for a bit of light hearted support, first time I've laughed today! Maybe it's the repression that gets me, I just repress any of my anger and he just vents his to me.

MidnightRunner87 Sat 06-Aug-16 03:43:30

She didn't seem to get that, kept saying that 'her Dad didn't have a problem with me and was nice to me', so 'Why shouldn't I be nice to her Dad'. I am nice, by not being not nice!

Have you ever shown her the horrible texts he sends? At 14 I see no reason to hide them from her, literally the next time she started on with this I would just open up the texts and hand your phone to her, whilst saying something along the lines of 'I don't dislike your father however I don't like these, nor should I have to put up with been sent stuff like that by him or anyone else. There are a lot of things that happen in grown up relationships that you will never fully understand until you are older but as I have never ever said anything bad about your father to you I don't expect you to keep on at me accusing me of being nasty when we both know it is untrue. Your dad is just that, YOUR dad-and whilst at one time he was my husband or partner he isn't any longer nor is he my friend but I continue having contact with him - despite him regularly sending messages like these so that you can benefit from your time with him. Being nice doesn't equate to being best friends, unless you can tell me one incident of me actively being unkind to him in the same manner he has been to me vi these messages than you chastising me about it stops here please'.

It sounds more like his words that are coming out of her mouth rather than her thoughts and feelings on it and you can bet your bottom dollar he banks on you continuing to be kind and cover his backside by not letting on about the texts so he can continue to paint your seemingly I deference to him as you being unkind. Show her the texts and take away his power-at 14 she deserves to know your side of the story too.

Bogeyface Sat 06-Aug-16 03:48:21

I am with Midnight

Next time it comes up, show her the messages and say "This is why I keep my distance from him, because although he tells you that he is nice to me, he really isnt" and show her your replies to him so that she knows that you are not the bitch.

BTW, parental alienation is now a recognised form of abuse that you may want to look into further flowers

sykadelic Sat 06-Aug-16 03:48:43

Could you try asking her why she thinks you hate him? Or when you've mean to him? That you're sorry she feels that way but that you don't hate him because without him you wouldn't have her but sometimes adult relationships aren't as simple as they seem.

What has probably been happening is that when she's with him he's bitching about you in a "I tried telling your mum X but she isn't happy, poor me, I try and be nice to her but she won't be nice to me" kind of way. Perhaps he's even showing her your responses to his messages (and not his messages). He's possibly even telling her not to tell you that he's telling her these things because it would make you be even meaner to him.

In short, he's definitely doing or saying something to undermine you. The kind of person he is, she'll find out eventually but you should tell her yourself when you think she's old enough, that he wasn't and isn't very nice to you sometimes but that you didn't want her to know because he's her dad and you want them to have a good relationship... but also that she needs to understand that no-one needs to be friends with someone else, especially if that person isn't nice to them, but that as her mum, you have been as nice as you could be to him to ensure that her relationship with him didn't suffer.

Bogeyface Sat 06-Aug-16 04:10:28

Be prepared though.

When you tell her what he is really like she will kick off because it will confuse and frighten her. With love and support she will soon be ok. He however will kick off big style at you when she starts to question him. He will accuse you of the very thing he is doing, poisoning her mind. But I really think that you do need to start to be honest with her, because if you dont then his lies could stay in her mind forever.

Cary2012 Sat 06-Aug-16 07:47:53

I don't think you should show her the texts, I think you have to see the bigger picture. My twin daughters were 15 when I split from their dad, and they said similar stuff to me. I didn't engage with any of it, I thought it would just fan the flames. Crucially, I was NC with him, which saved my sanity, and I didn't want second hand contact iyswim . Karma is a wonderful thing,a year later one of my DDs lost her phone, her dad gave her his because he had upgraded, and she read all the abusive texts he had sent me. Your daughter, in a year or two, will see her dad for what he is. My two, by the time they were 16/17 had him sussed. Never feel that you have to get your DD on side, by modelling decent behaviour in your dealings with her dad and others, she will see for herself what a great mum she has.

Vegetablegarden Sat 06-Aug-16 10:48:26

Thanks for your responses, it really helps, I felt like I was going a little bonkers.

I had a conversation with my daughter this morning, where she had said that she had to be careful with me unless I get cross about her Dad, and again that he was only being nice to me. I asked her directly when have I ever got cross with her about him, but she couldn't say. I probably have been stressed and a bit grumpy sometimes, as around contact I am priming myself for EX to kick off about something.

Anyway I told her that I was worried that she was having negative feelings about me, and again asked her if I had ever directly said anything nasty or unkind about her father. I haven't. I said it time that she realized that sometimes he isn't nice to me, despite me never being unkind back. And that was why I was sometimes grumpy and why I wasn't her Dad's friend. I told her that she could feel loving towards her Dad, and have a good relationship, and I would always support that.

She said that 'she was sure Dad didn't mean any of these things and that she would have be able to make it alright'. I said that there was a lot she didn't understand and that she musn't put herself in that position, as it would only make things worse. She didn't seem that bothered about it, I thought she'd be shocked. I don't know if I did the right thing.

I got further texts from her Dad saying that I am unreasonable and that our daughter was 'petrified' that he might tell me how she has to 'walk on eggshells' around me, as I am a scary person to be with. hmm

I do get cross sometimes if she has not done her homework, but no more than any other parent I imagine. I'm definitely not an aggressive person in any way, shape or form!

happypoobum Sat 06-Aug-16 11:04:24

TBH I would tell him that all arrangements now have to be made directly with DD and then she can pass the info on to you. She is old enough.

I very rarely have any contact with XH as he makes plans with the DC and they tell me when they are seeing him.

mummytime Sat 06-Aug-16 11:28:00

I was also going to suggest that contact is now made direct with her, and she relays the information you need to you. 13 is old enough.

Cary2012 Sat 06-Aug-16 11:31:46

I agree about her making contact. You are in danger of your DD being piggy in the middle if you carry on as you are. Minimum contact with her dad is probably needed so you can step back. He will 'feed' her stuff, just deflect it and stay neutral when she passes it on. Worked for me so all I can suggest.

SandyY2K Sat 06-Aug-16 12:36:42

Yes. Let him contact her and she okays the dates with you

He sounds very manipulative.

QueenLaBeefah Sat 06-Aug-16 12:45:20

Good idea about your DD and her dad making contact directly. Once that is in place go strictly no contact with this prize arsehole.

In a couple of years time your DD will have him sussed.

smilingeyes11 Sat 06-Aug-16 13:01:28

I would also tell him to stop harassing you and if he continues you will show the police his vile messages

eloelo Sat 06-Aug-16 15:06:32

doing the arrangement through dd is a good idea to try.
Otherwise, block him on phone/ emails and let him go through court to get a written contact agreement.

eloelo Sat 06-Aug-16 15:07:30

You can show police proof of his written abuse and also get a non-molestation order

Vegetablegarden Sat 06-Aug-16 15:16:25

These last arrangements were made through DD. It was all very last minute. I asked for dates as DD was very fuzzy about these, I got sent them by her father with the costs asking me to pay fuel. I just ignored them.

These last rants are because I got a text from EX while DD was with him, with a complete change of drop off (a week later) when this was not what was agreed with DD. I said I had plans (DDs birthday in that week) and then just got the abusive texts.

So I don't know if going though DD will work, as I need the dates myself and she doesn't remember.

Vegetablegarden Sat 06-Aug-16 15:19:07

I wonder if I could set up a separate email and tell EX that as DD is old enough, we will both use this email just for times/dates arrangements. Communication will only go through this email and both me and DD will have times.

Perhaps then he would think twice about reacting abusively if DD is going to read the emails too?

Trouble is, he keeps saying email is no good. I had at one time, kept everything to email to try to minimize contact.

eloelo Sat 06-Aug-16 15:43:37

yep mine only keeps to the written agreement set by the court. It saves a lot of arguments

inlectorecumbit Sat 06-Aug-16 15:51:04

I think the email suggestion is a brilliant idea, Email is no good for him is only because he can't be bothered.

I would be telling him that email contact only--then block him on text. Your DD is old enough to keep in contact by text-you don't have to.

smilingeyes11 Sat 06-Aug-16 16:22:03

Costs for fuel, erm pardon?

Does he pay maintenance or just expect cash from you?

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