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summer hols with in laws noooooo!

(13 Posts)
mingsnozsebwoo4 Fri 05-Aug-16 22:11:01

don't know how to handle this situation
my OH wants to go on skiing holiday every year with his in laws for last 10 years+ we always have and it drives me nuts and now he tries to get us to go on summer holiday with them last year I refused and booked a holiday just 4 of us. he kept saying he wasn't going to come on it as he was cross I wouldn't go away with his bloody family again but obviously we went and he loved it so much he wanted to stay longer

. we have twin daughters of 5 and they hardly ever get one on one time with daddy all year round. if he is ever with them he takes them to a pub, or goes to his family or somehow dilutes the time he has so he can fob them off onto someone else. they said to me they want to go on holiday with daddy so he cant be at work and cant be with his friends so he has to spend time with us (heartbreaking)

now ive just found out despite mentioning to me few weeks ago about going on summer hols with them and me telling him that I don't want to he has been arranging flights and a hotel with them and they are about to book (just found out by accident all written on piece of paper in his car!)
I don't want to as:
1) (I don't get on with one of my brother in laws or his wife but do get on with other BIL and SIL (long story) so feel very uncomfortable with them like pulling knives out of my back
2) my daughters just want to spend quality time with daddy
3) if we go away with them my husband will spend the whole time trying to opt out of parenting and will keep wanting to sit at a bar with both brother in laws drinking beer so the girls and I may as well not bother going

Ive told him I refuse to go with his family just like last year as girls want to be alone with him and I don't want to be away with backstabbers and he goes mad and says we wont go away them so weve just had row

my sister in law (the one I do like) is coming over tomorrow and I know he is going to try and corner me about the holiday in front of her in the hope that he will embarrass me into going as its hard to say I don't want to in front of her? I feel like im being rude as im clearly trying to get out of all holidays with them last 2 years now but don't want to go on holiday with them would rather be with friends who have children the same age people I get on well with or just 4 of us as a family on summer hols

how would you handle it?

thanks!

akkakk Fri 05-Aug-16 22:16:17

You need to just keep focusing on your reasons all being about the positive...

Wanting to build the family, child and parent time etc. etc.

Not the negative of spending time with the in-laws
I'd it has nothing to do with the in laws and not wanting to spend time with them, it is all about the fun, pleasure, specialness of spending quality family time together...

Shizzlestix Fri 05-Aug-16 22:19:05

Can you speak to the SIL before she comes over? I would have the dds in the room and encourage them to tell daddy they want just him on holiday. He's being an arse.

twinmummyyeah Fri 05-Aug-16 22:30:10

akkak and shizzlesticks thanks for your help yes I guess if I try to focus on it being family time that might be a better tact but yes he is an arse most of the time!

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sat 06-Aug-16 08:13:18

Name change fail?
you have very clearly made your point and backed it up with good reasons, and yet you are convinced that he is going to try to use a social situation to pressure you into doing something you have said you don't want to.
I'm not really sure your issue here is the in-laws , more the blatant disrespect and manipulation.
He is relying on your good manners. And his complete lack of them to change the outcome here. You can take this away from him by simply being entierly and horribly open about what you feel.
Im for Dropping a Dropping a clanger infront of SIL that makes him look like the knob he is, such as
" no, do you not remember the other night when we discussed this, and I said how some of your family are horrible to me, and how you spend your time drunk and avoiding doing any parenting and what a crap time me and the girls have, has something changed since then ? Because I've already said no so I don't know what your trying to do here."
The whole social manipulation thing fails and falls flat if you are prepared to be truthful.

Lilaclily Sat 06-Aug-16 08:16:42

How is your relationship with him generally ?
Does he do anything round the house, does he put the kids to bed , do you get to go out with friends while he stays at home with them ?

Or does he spend all his free time in the pub?

Isetan Sat 06-Aug-16 08:58:25

The 'holiday' is a red herring as it's just another instance of him avoiding parental responsibility. Stick to your guns but you really need to think about why you are investing so much energy nurturing a family dynamic with a man who clearly isn't interested.

In addition to not wanting to spend time alone with his children, he doesn't respect their mother very much either, If he's prepared to manipulate her into changing her mind. What are his good points, exactly?

smurfette1818 Sat 06-Aug-16 12:46:25

I'm not really sure your issue here is the in-laws , more the blatant disrespect and manipulation.

The 'holiday' is a red herring as it's just another instance of him avoiding parental responsibility. Stick to your guns but you really need to think about why you are investing so much energy nurturing a family dynamic with a man who clearly isn't interested.

Agreed with 665 and isetan I think the holiday and the in-laws issues are just symptom, the root of the problem is the lack of respect.

finova Sat 06-Aug-16 12:52:00

Hmm my personality disorders ex used this technique all the time. 665 is spot on, he's relying on you being polite.

happypoobum Sat 06-Aug-16 13:03:33

Agree with PP, he doesn't sound like a very nice man, not at all.

The fact that he actually told you he wasn't coming on holiday with you and the DC unless his parents were there is very telling. What a big pathetic baby he is.

What would happen if you went nuclear and said categorically we are not going on any more holidays with your parents? That's what I did. Ended in divorce though grin

He obviously won't accept the compromise of you go away once skiing with them, and then in the summer as a family.

ThatStewie Sat 06-Aug-16 13:07:10

I agree with others. This is about your husband refusing to take responsibility for his family. Pawning your kids off on someone else so you don't have to spend time with them isn't the sign of a good father or husband.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 06-Aug-16 20:29:44

Would he go on holiday with your family? I doubt it. He is being out and out selfish. Holiday sounds like a holiday from he'll. Don't back down. You are completely ok to want your own family holiday. Tell him you want to build memories for your dds.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 06-Aug-16 20:36:21

Forget trying to force him to enjoy the company of his children. If he isn't bothered that's sad. It is out of your control.

You can stop him from making you be the holiday nanny while he goes out drinking. That is not on. That is a good enough reason to refuse to go.

I second everyone else's advice to be brutally honest in front of nice SIL. Surely she knows that other SIL and you don't get along?

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