Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Update re DP telling me on holiday about his affair

(160 Posts)
Notgoingtobeamug Thu 04-Aug-16 20:33:59

So I posted a month ago. Basically DP told me 2 days into our holiday he had been having an affair for 7 months. I was stuck on holiday with 2 year old DS and couldn't get away.

6 weeks later and things are worse. Much worse. After promising it was over I've found out he is still seeing the 25 year old (he is 38). I was still working through my feelings trying to decide what to do.

He has racked up 19 dart charge penalties (over £2000 worth) that are in my name because the car is mine. Each time he was going to see OW.

He went to stay with his nan, she has now thrown him out because of his behaviour so now apparently he has no option but to go stay with OW.

He tells me he will be taking DS to OW house when he has him to sleep.

We own a house with about £100k equity in it. He wants half despite having only paid half of our joint outgoings for about 6 months in the 9 years we have owned the house. He doesn't pay mortgage, food, nursery bills, council tax or ANYTHING.

He has used about £25k of our savings to pay off his company debt. He literally lies on the sofa watching tv as his business is rubbish. He stays out all night drinking several nights a week. DS is in full time childcare (nursery and family) so he isn't even doing that.

I feel sick about the situation I'm in, I feel absolutely humiliated.

smilingeyes11 Thu 04-Aug-16 20:37:27

you are not married, whose name is the house in? You need to get a claim in with the CMS and ensure you are claiming all the benefits you are entitled to.

Gazelda Thu 04-Aug-16 20:40:11

Get to a solicitor urgently. Take control. Find out what your financial future looks like. Make it happen.

Your future will be a hell of a lot better than the life you're living at the moment.

But don't feel humiliated. You've tried. You've done your best. You've been shit on.

Have you friends or relatives you can call for a rant and a hug?

Honestly, look forward, not backwards.

Notgoingtobeamug Thu 04-Aug-16 20:41:52

Not married (been together 14 years). Not entitled to any benefits. I'm not going to be any worse off as I pay for everything anyway (should be better off as won't have to give him money to be fair) but feel totally lost at sharing custody of DS with him going to OW house and potentially having to give him £50k. My head is a mess. Right now I hate DP, I loved him so so much but he has used that against me. Suppose he is ex-p now!

Missgraeme Thu 04-Aug-16 20:43:18

Maybe a letter from your solicitor further down the line to the dart charge company saying he was driving? Me sure your assets are protected - u can do a financial severance straight away. He sounds like a total toad.

notapizzaeater Thu 04-Aug-16 20:45:35

He's being a twat !

BifsWif Thu 04-Aug-16 20:46:05

First of all, the humiliation is his not yours. You've done nothing, nothing to be ashamed of. He has.

Do you have RL support? Do people know? Don't keep his secret for him, let everyone know what he's been doing.

It's time to detach, be cold. Who owns the house? Do you have a solicitor? Do you have all of your financial documents in order?

What an absolute bastard. You will get through this, I promise flowers

NotMyMoney Thu 04-Aug-16 20:46:44

Whos name is the house in?

Shylo Thu 04-Aug-16 20:46:57

I'm so sorry, what am arsehole 😡

Is his name on the mortgage or the house deeds? If not, and you're not married, you don't have to give him a thing

Shizzlestix Thu 04-Aug-16 20:47:03

Empty any joint accounts. Open a new account to which only you have access. He can sod off with access until he goes to see a solicitor and goes through court. Whose name is on the deeds to the house/mortgage.

JinkxMonsoon Thu 04-Aug-16 20:50:26

I remember you.

It might not feel like it right now, but you are going to be so much better off (emotionally, financially, everything) without this cocklodging leech in your life.

I don't know the first thing about the legalities, but I'm pretty sure he won't be entitled to half of the equity in your house.

Notgoingtobeamug Thu 04-Aug-16 20:52:12

The house is jointly owned (tenants in common). He set up a business 6 years ago and it was profitable for about 6 months in 2014. Otherwise has list thousands and thousands from his mis management which we paid out of our savings (from my job). Our money has never been joint, I paid for everything. If he had tried to work I wouldn't have cared, but he would stay out drinking all night, roll in at 7am, sleep until 2 and then prat around all day. He would do this several times a week. Or go out on a Friday and roll in Monday morning after ignoring my calls all weekend. My life has been miserable, I don't know why I put up with it.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Aug-16 20:52:34

see a solicitor

I never understand why women, when so desperately worried about their financial and legal situation, have to be urged to do this

I am not a solicitor, btw, but any fees you have to pay will be taken when all the financials are settled and they are worth their weight in gold

So many times I read that women, who have been shat on from a great height are still even giving these blokes any head room. Stop listening to his shit. Get professional help.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Aug-16 20:54:06

I don't know why I put up with it.

So stop. And now harden up, ffs.

Missgraeme Thu 04-Aug-16 20:54:26

Start listing all his twat behaviour and the financial consequences. List anything negative. List everything for when u see a solicitor. . U will forget stuff u want to say when u get there! They are used to emotional people but lists are helpful.

cestlavielife Thu 04-Aug-16 20:57:14

Let him go to ow. Best he leaves asap.
You dont have to give him any money
If he takes you to court to try force a sale you can argue that you need to stay there with ds until he ds leaves home
Or you could buy him out but retain his share under children's act for now.
You need to see a solicitor.

Notgoingtobeamug Thu 04-Aug-16 20:57:16

I have stopped in that I made him leave. I've told him I will get an injunction to stop him taking DS to OW house. I have called dart charge and spoken to a very sympathetic man who has explained how to appeal, I've told him he isn't getting a penny from the house.

I am pretending to be strong but just want things to be better NOW. I want to fast forward 12 months and get past this hurting stage.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 04-Aug-16 20:59:15

I never understand why women, when so desperately worried about their financial and legal situation, have to be urged to do this

Just what I was thinking. Come on OP! Shape!

cestlavielife Thu 04-Aug-16 21:01:31

Why are you focusing on stopping him taking ds to her house ? Is she a danger to your ds? You can't stop him taking ds anywhere unless there is evidence of harm to ds...
That's a waste of your time and money unless she has some kind of past meaning she is a danger.
Focus on the financial

Cary2012 Thu 04-Aug-16 21:02:05

You need to find a SHL and quickly. You will get through this, You're already pretending to be strong, keep doing that, and soon you will be.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Aug-16 21:02:26

You need to stop telling him what you are doing. You need to stop telling him what he has to do,.

Talk to a solicitor and he will be forced to do what is right for his dc

All this to-ing and fro-ing with an unreasonable tool like him is wasted energy.

Notgoingtobeamug Thu 04-Aug-16 21:03:52

I only found out on Tuesday he was still seeing her and the dart charges. He suggested he would come round last night to talk and make some decisions. He said he would be here at 7 but didn't show. Didn't text or call. He sent a photo at lunchtime to me of Ds and then called me at 1 when I exploded. I know I need legal/financial advice but havnt had time to do that yet.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Aug-16 21:06:23

Then don't talk to him until you have

pinkunicornsarefluffy Thu 04-Aug-16 21:08:28

If you own as tenants in common then you each own a share of the house, whether that is 50/50 or some other split that you decided, and any equity should be split in the same ratio. That is usually done to protect your own share in the property. He can't just demand a sum. You may be able to claim some of his share, I don't know. But you need to get legal advice urgently, as others have said.

Make sure that only you can access your savings and that any CB or WTC are paid into an account that he can't access.

Notgoingtobeamug Thu 04-Aug-16 21:08:28

I don't want DS anywhere I don't know. DP has alcohol issues, she lives 2 hours away plus he has a history of drug abuse. He had used cocaine a lot in the past and I know he is currently buying prescription medicines illegally and mis using them. I have no proof though. The only place I can relax with DS staying is at DPs nan or Mums.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now