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Feel like the worst friend in the world - just need to say this out loud...

(9 Posts)
Gurraun Wed 03-Aug-16 13:06:09

I have 2 lovely kids. My dear friend has struggled terribly with infertility and has been very depressed about a childless future. She has confided in me extensively.

It was therefore wonderful to find to the surprise of both of us in June that we were both pregnant. She couldn't believe it and we both talked about how wonderful it would be to have babies a few days apart if everything went well.

I miscarried last week and she has been incredibly lovely. She then had a bit of bleeding and was scared she was miscarrying too. She has had a scan today and wonderfully the baby is fine and has a heartbeat and is a good size.

I have said all the right things and of course I so pleased for her. However, I am horribly, horribly jealous and can't imagine how I am going to keep smiling for the duration of her pregnancy and when the baby comes - which is exactly what she had to do through my two successful pregnancies. How do I stop feeling like this? It is also unlikely we will try again as my husband is not keen on a 3rd anyway and the pregnancy was unplanned, but of course now I want a 3rd SO badly it is eating me up. Help - not sure that there is anything to say though other than get over it :-( However, it is not something I can say out loud to anyone as sound like a complete selfish bitch.

DiggersRest Wed 03-Aug-16 13:13:22

It's your hormones at the moment, l have mc twice, first same due month as cousin and second same due date as bf. It felt horrible, but l had a dd and l knew l was lucky with her. You know you are lucky with your 2 dc, so you need to try to remind yourself when you feel very down. But most importantly let yourself grieve for your mc and for the life you had started to imagine with 3 dc.

It's hard. But you're not a bad friend flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Aug-16 13:17:57

Sorry for your loss. flowers
Would your hormones still be affecting you? Perhaps in a bit of time, your thinking brain will prevail with the logic that you have written above.

How to stop feeling like this? I have not been in your situation, but could you look forward to being able to help your friend? You have two and know the ropes. Especially about the hard bits of infinite fatigue.

Otherwise, (and sorry to say this too) try to minimize it...as in there are probably thousands of women pregnant now-it'd be futile to be jealous of them all, iyswim. Focus on what you have and take delight in it. Looking at what other people have/are doing is going to drive you (anyone) bonkers.

Littletabbyocelot Wed 03-Aug-16 13:18:26

She's a really good friend & she was there through your pregnancies - I think you can tell her how you feel.

My best friend and I went through very similar. We started thinking about babies together. She had two during the six years I was going through ivf. I was happy for her, just gutted for me. She knew that & let me go at my pace. I adore her kids.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, she lost an unplanned and not to be repeated third. And I know that there were a few times she was 'too busy' to visit that were code for 'I can't hold a newborn right now' but we went at her pace and she's a much loved auntie now.

It doesn't make you a bad friend and your friend should understand that better than most.

Jayfee Wed 03-Aug-16 13:20:35

You are grieving. I lost my 3rd unplanned pregnancy. I, like you, was then desperate to get pregnant again. I even did some sneaky things to try and get pregnant as dh was against having a third child. I can't remember how many many months before the urge passed but I think it is hormonal to a large extent. In time you will be thrilled for your friend.

MaryAll Wed 03-Aug-16 13:26:04

Just give yourself enough time and all will come to good terms.

Gurraun Wed 03-Aug-16 14:05:41

Thank you all - I know you are right, but reading your replies has made me weepy (bit awkward as I'm at work!). Feel like I should have stayed home today as ERPC was only Monday and perhaps I've not coped quite as well as I thought :-(

overthehillandroundthemountain Wed 03-Aug-16 14:10:32

Just wanted to say that I was also in this situation with my lovely, lovely friend. Please talk it over with your friend, OP. She sounds as though she would understand. It helped me to articulate to my friend that it wasn't her baby I wanted to hold and cuddle, but my own. I could talk through the grief. Do it now before her baby arrives, it will help you later. My friend was wonderful. I had a good cry in front of her, and I could express that I still wanted to feel the joy when her baby arrived (which I did, and still do).

I promise it will get better in time flowers Please talk to your DH, too, both about the ERPC and about your family plans. Wish you much strength. I underestimated how hard it would be.

Wishing you much strength. It will be ok. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

Jayfee Wed 03-Aug-16 14:24:37

Oh sweetie I really feel for you. It is natural to feel sad and weepy. It takes time to get over a loss like this.

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