Anyone else been ghosted?

[amypie86]

Back in June I posted about how my boyfriend just suddenly stopped speaking to me on my birthday. No reason given, he just never spoke to me again after telling me how in love he was a matter of days before. No warning signs, nothing. He had taken me to meet his mum and acted like I was the best thing since sliced bread.

Anyway, I'm over the initial upset but I still find myself thinking about it ALL the time. People said he couldn't have been in love with me so quickly (he said it after a week) and we were seeing eachother for just two months in total, but I was genuinely in love with him. I honestly wanted to spend my life with him.

Now I just can't stop thinking about how much he hurt me, and how I can't have ever known the real him. It's really affected me because I feel like I can't trust anyone now, I believed he was the most trustworthy person I'd dated so far and he turned out to be the least.

I've been talking to guys on tinder, I met him on tinder too but I just don't feel like I get a connection with any of them compared to what it was like with him. None of it could have been real could it? Or he wouldn't have fucked off.

I don't really know why I'm posting this but I just can't seem to get my head around what happened. In the past I've been really upset over breakups but I've got over it reasonably quick, this time I feel like it's really messed with my head because I was never given a reason, I wasn't even told it was over, he just disappeared.

Has anyone else been really screwed over by being ghosted?

[LuckyBitches]

Yes! It happened to me once, someone on another thread refers to this as love bombing. In my case he said the first "I love you" after a few days and and then coldly dumped me a few weeks later. I'm not sure why - either he was lying and compensating for not feeling much, or was frustrated that I didn't love him after five days. How could I have loved him so quickly? I didn't know him. Lesson for the future - avoid anyone who comes on too strong. It's shit though .

[ahsan]

Maybe the reason is that he's treating you as a booty call. Disappears when he deems fit only to come back when he's not got anyone. So many bastards like that, they leave you because they have another women to work their magic on, only to do the same to her because he has found yet another "victim". He might come back if he runs out of supply, if not count yourself lucky as he sounds like a right bastard that if you stayed with him would have been a nightmare anyway and would have hurt you more. Stop thinking about him he's not worth it.

[aladinsane]

yes i have first time very recently. it's hideous and a real headfuck. do yourself a favour and cut all contact. you will not ever make any sense of it, it's about him not you. don't even go there. easier said than one i know but you will waste so much energy for no reward.
Good luck. We need to stop giving them all the power and all our headspace x

[ThinkPinkStink]

This happened to me, but it was over a longer period of time.

I was with my ex, on and off for 13 years - we'd be together for a couple of years (I adored him), split up for a year (when he cheated) and get back together for another couple of years (just as I was beginning to get over him).

It was a terribly unhealthy relationship, it ended in 2010 when he ghosted me (by this time he lived with me, he just never came home, I haven't seen him since).

This makes us both sound like pillocks, why did I go back time and again? I can't even explain, I have normal, reasonable expectations of my friends, family, job - I'm quite rational - he was just my weak spot.

What I've come to realise is that him ghosting me was nothing whatsoever to do with me, it was all about him. There is nothing I could or should have done differently (in order to keep him).

Although our situations don't sound that similar, I think they are - we both went out with people who tricked us into loving them, but either didn't or couldn't care about us. For me, I think there is a nod to sociopathy in these people, most of us couldn't do that to another person, whether after a month or 13 years.

You have probably learned to trust more slowly, your heart is probably a little harder than before - but you will be okay and you will find someone to love again.

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

I've been ghosted too.

I had a boyfriend for years while I was a university. In hindsight it was a crap relationship and his poor little ego couldn't cope with me doing better at university than him. The final straw for him appeared to be me going on to start a PhD.

One day he just stopped responding to texts and calls and I never saw him again. The previous week he'd been going on about how he wanted to propose and have babies and such like.

As the PP says, it was about him rather than me. Looking back, I think he wanted to take an intelligent, independent woman and keep her under his control. When it became obvious to him that wasn't going to happen, he just ran away and hid because he couldn't actually face me.

It's horrible at the time because you don't know what's happened but in the end it saved me from a crap relationship with an inadequate man with a fragile ego.

[amypie86]

Thanks for your replies, I just can't believe people do that kind of thing. The problem with my guy was that he didn't even show the slightest hint he was an arsehole! He did everything right and said all the right things, it was so convincing that he genuinely loved me. I can't even say there were any red flags with him.

I haven't contacted him since the day he didn't reply after my birthday. I won't chase anyone or give them the satisfaction of knowing I care. I've deleted his number and removed him from Facebook etc. He has hurt me like hell though, how hard is it really to even send a text saying I don't want to be with you anymore. It's not ideal but it's better than nothing!

[TheNaze73]

People that ghost are spineless IMO. Don't think anything like what he did is logical to process, so think it impacts people in different ways. Is it fair to others & yourself to be trying to date so soon?? The "to get over somebody, get under somebody" works for some but, you don't sound ready OP

[HowToChooseAUserName]

People that ghost are spineless IMO.

I don't think it's about that. It's normally men that do it and the male thinking is "if I don't officially dump, I'm, leaving the door open for a future hook up/booty call/revival of the relationship if I change my mind."

In a lot of ways it's true. It's easier to reactivate after a silence than it is after "look I don't want to date you any more as I've met someone else/your arse is too fat for me/I hate S Club 7 and it's all you listen to".

It's rarely spineless; it's mostly about a misguided attempt to keep options open.

In a minority of cases, it's that they just don't give a sh*t and have no future reactivation intent.

[honeyandmarmitesandwiches]

I'm being ghosted at the moment and even though it's someone who shouldn't really mean anything to me, I feel disproportionately upset. It's just a very powerless feeling and a real knock to the self esteem, it feels like you're just being dismissed as a person totally.

[winkywinkola]

Hi Op, it's horrible what's happened to you.

It stays with you for a long time. I was vengeful as well. But I met him again a few years later and he was obviously a tosser!

I would take my time. Not date anyone for a while and process this headfuck that you're undergoing. It is so hurtful. I would also do stuff just for me aside from dating. It does get better but you've been injured.

When you meet someone else and they tell you they love you within the first eight weeks or less, then I would run a mile because it's the same pattern over again.

[amypie86]

I think it hurts so much more because I actually believed I had met the guy I would spend the rest of my life with. I know people keep saying its a red flag when people say they love you so soon, but then why did I feel like I loved him so quickly? It makes me feel like maybe I've got a problem :(

[memyselfandaye]

Me too, and I was pregnant with the fucking dipshit's baby.

I got over it, I'm happier than I've ever been, he's miserable and full of regrets.

[LesisMiserable]

You were right in your OP that you couldn't have really know him. After 8 weeks to believe you could would be totally irrational.

[madgingermunchkin]

I have, a few times. And it sucks.

I actually deleted tinder, as all it did was shred my self confidence.

[Stella08]

A similar thing happened to me but it's not quite ghosting. Met a guy online and was talking and texting for a few weeks before we met up. Went to his and watched to and had a brew. It got late and I left, no kiss was attempted and although a bit disappointed I was ok with it. I got in my car and he text and said 'we didn't even kiss' so I went back at his request. Ended up kissing and things got heated. He initiated sexual contact and I didn't resist. We went up stairs and as I went for his pants he stopped me saying he didn't have any protection. Ok, still all good. Stayed a bit longer on the bed kissing. I then went home. Woke up to a text the next morning as I usually did and everything was fine.
He went away with work for 2 weeks a couple of weeks after that and we still hadn't DTD as I didn't want knocking back again and he never made a move.
He arranged for us to go out to the races and stay in a 5* hotel for when he got back. We had a fab time, I met some of his friends and although we shared a bed, nothing happened. I was beginning to think he had a problem!!
Anyway, we DTD a few days later and everything was great, and we were seeing each other a couple of times a week, I stayed over a few times and we enjoyed meals and movie nights. Everything was going great.
A few weeks later we were texting as normal and I asked him when he stopped me the 1st night. He said that he didn't have any condoms and that he wasn't sure if he'd see me again and wasn't into sleeping with people on the 1st date (neither am I but things got heated!!) and the only person he'd ever done it with was his EW and he said 'look how that turned out' (she cheated on him). I said he shouldn't put us all in the same boat and he agreed and then text back immediately saying 'come to think of it, you would have slept with me on the 1st time we met so I can't see us getting serious'
I really thought he was joking!! Nope, he didn't give me any further replies when I reminded him that I was in my car and he asked me back in and he was the one who initiated sexual contact!! I was really upset cos I'm not really sure what happened!! He suddenly remembered about something that had happened a few months earlier and dropped me. Arse. I'm over it now. He did knock my confidence though.
Hopefully I'll find Mr Right someday :)

[Treetopchallenger]

Are you sure he's alive? Sounds very odd someone can do that!

[amypie86]

Stella that sounds awful. It's bad when things seem to be going so well isn't it and then they just drop you like you meant absolutely nothing to them. Especially in your situation because he was up for it too!

Treetop, he is definitely alive and well. He was online on Facebook all the time during my birthday week when he ignored me. Even changed his profile picture.

[UmbongoUnchained]

I did this to someone when I was a teen and I still feel really awful about it now.

[Stella08]

He sounds like a right arse.
I've realised there's no point in dwelling on it, I'll never get the answer I need and I'm glad he's done it now cos what other shitty things could he do if could do that. We deserve better

[ImperialBlether]

One thing's for certain - they are always alive.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

My ex spent six years threatening to ghost me - he didn't use that expression, but he would tell me during arguments that he would disappear from my life and that I would never see or hear from him again - and that he'd 'done it before'. As we had a child together, these threats used to really frighten me. The irony is, now we are separated, I do sometimes wish he'd stuck to these promises!

[ocelot7]

People always talk about the dignity of silence but I mostly think people (men mostly) need calling on this behaviour

[wizzywig]

Is the term ghosting only applicable in a sexual relationship? Can it be done within a family? When they suddenly cut off contact?

[sealmane]

I think they have mental health problems or attachment issues. Maybe they elevated you onto some ridiculous pedastal to boot. I think its still OK to call them on their behaviour if appropriate.

[Anicechocolatecake]

It happened to me. Possibly I replied on your last thread. I don't think it's them keeping options open, I think these men dread conflict, can't work up the courage to dump you and the days just go by and it gets harder and harder for them (diddums). In 'He's Not that into you' the author writes that these men do know what a shit thing they've done. There's no way they don't.

i've been left devastated by being ghosted. In many ways this guy wasn't right for me but in other ways he really was but it has knocked my self-esteem so badly and obviously triggered something buried. I felt so worthless; like a piece of rubbish that had been chucked away. I am trying to keep busy, plan good things to look forward to and generally be very gentle with myself. It has hurt more than long term relationships breaking up (or hurt in a very different way). Ghosting is a particularly cruel thing to do to someone and it will take time for you to get over it. Don't date anyone else for now. Maybe look into some counselling. It will get easier, just don't be surprised if it takes some time. Ok so you knew him a few weeks. Regardless of what anyone else thinks about that, to you it felt like he would be the one.