Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

To those whose husbands came home after affair

(47 Posts)
LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 07:09:15

H had affair, all over, all out in the open, he's been stopping at a friends. After a period of indecision, he told me at the weekend he wants to get our marriage back on track.

He's not moved back in but he's slept here last 4 nights and he's said 'see you tonight' this am. I'm not quite 100% sure I want him back, I think I do but life needs to change and we've discussed this. I've decided to go with the flow for this week and next to see what efforts he is putting into the marriage. I'm then going abroad with DDs for a week. Time to reflect.

I'm keeping a list of his + and - efforts each day. These are simple things like a big hug when going to work, an odd text through the day, or not having cuddles in bed in the morning.

He seems to be slotting back in to the home as if he's never been away. That's good in the sense that I thought it would be strange having him back but not good as I don't want to settle for DH I had previously, and whilst he seems ok, he doesn't necessarily look happy, but not unhappy either. I've decided to be happy me and not to 'talk' about things prior to going away as I want to see how much effort he puts in based on normal happy me. I'm thinking if there's no obvious effort then he's not appreciative of what he's got. So I suppose I'd like your thoughts, or to hear from anyone else whose partner came home, is this normal, do things improve as those that say 'my relationship is so much better post affair'? Am I asking too much to expect more, which possibly wouldn't be sustainable long term? More affection is possibly the thing lacking for me, it's there, but not on any increased level than pre-affair.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Aug-16 07:14:21

I am not sure that pretending nothing has happened and sweeping things under the carpet is the way to go

Why are you pretending to be "happy" ? confused

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 07:18:18

I've thought about the rug sweeping and I do t want that to happen. I'm not pretending to be happy, I am generally. What I mean is sometimes post affair niggles pop into mind and previously I'd talk about them and we've done so much talking that I'm sick of it and so is he (obviously). Just for a while I'd like to remove that element to see if this changes his efforts at all. It's kind of a test to see how much he wants to work at our marriage smile

bleedingnora Wed 03-Aug-16 07:24:56

Don't let him back so soon.
He an show you how much he values you and wants it to work from afar he doesn't have to be living back at home.

I do think the description of him as not particularly happy is very telling and a bit chilling.

He has managed to effectively break your trust and your marriage vows and get to walk back into the life he had (and presumably wasn't enough for him) and carry on as normal.

It will happen again.

IMHO for a marriage to continue productively after an affair there needs to be a period of separation and very deep discussion and soul searching on both sides. Talking about what you both want and need going forward and not laying blame at your door.

This doesn't sound like there has been enough time or an appreciation of what it actually takes to make a marriage work OP. Keeping a tally on how many times he says I love you or hugs you in bed isn't the answer.

Please, protect yourself.
You aren't even sure you want him back.

Ask him to leave again and to commit to some proper counselling with you.
The efforts he makes along those lines will give you much more information about his commitment to you than a cuddle in bed will.

Put yourself and your needs first for once.

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 07:38:31

It's not that he looks particularly unhappy, just not happy happy. I know he's tired so that maybe something to do with it.

He has been out of the home for over 4 months and there has been a lot of discussion during this time. I did try to initiate a break nearly 2 weeks ago (as I was sick of him coming and going and I was sick of talking), I think this has prompted his return, that and my booking a holiday.

I see it's a bit silly to list + and - but I suppose that's my logical mind so that I could say "look, I've been my normal self, not talked about shit and yet you've still not made improvements", making me even more justified to walk away or tell him we need more space. I'm thinking the week apart with limited wifi may assist me or him in our feelings

cannotlogin Wed 03-Aug-16 07:47:44

My ex made serious moves to return after a very long affair and a year after leaving for her. He cried on the doorstep. I said I would talk but only in counselling. Like an idiot, I made the appointment, at a time he agreed. He didn't turn up. He never mentioned it again. That was my answer.

Letting him back in without some outside support is, in my opinion, a serious error. You have basically told him he can do what he wants and you'll put up with it.

1weekdown5togo Wed 03-Aug-16 07:54:49

It's all a bit comfortable for him. He's acting like he has never been away and I can't see what's changed. It's unfair for you if he just carries on as if nothing has happened and you are bouncing around acting happy.

I feel for you and understand you are fed up of talking but is he acknowledging what he almost lost? How is he showing you he really wants to be with you?

Fiddlesticks8 Wed 03-Aug-16 07:55:33

I'd say counselling is the way to go first and then lots of talking, he should date you again and slowly maybe begin with weekend living together: to see how you feel with him in your personal space once again. Don't rush into it. And good luck

SandyY2K Wed 03-Aug-16 07:55:46

Have you told him what changes you want to see in order to reconcile? Because if he's not able to be the husband you want, he might as well not come back.

I'd be very specific about what type of marriage you want going forward. Be clear this must be sustained and if not you will end the marriage.

The truth is that not getting divorced is easier than divorce. From what you've previously said, I think this is a major factor for him. He says he wants to work on the marriage, but why?

For the sake of the kids, or because he loves you, he messed up and he wants to be with you?

I'm not getting the sense from what you say that it's really all for the love of you. I don't mean to hurt you by saying this, it's just that his actions are indicative of that.

Perhaps if the OW was single it would have been different and he would have left, but the thought of ruining two marriages can be very daunting.

I think if you saw true remorse and actions from him to show he was dedicated to you, you may feel more inclined to want to reconcile.

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 08:00:26

He's not a very 'showy' person, he's acknowledged what he nearly lost / still could lose, he makes all the right noises at crucial times but I feel he backs off a bit when he's got me on board. There's my answer I suppose. I really do t want to discuss this with him again, I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if things did change prior to holidays on 15th, then I'd feel justified in what I was saying to him without putting barriers up by talking. He does seem comfortable and that's not s life I particularly want to go back to, not now, and it's the life he was trying to escape.

Maybe we need a 'well we've done a week, how are we feeling?' talk at the weekend. I'm sick of not knowing which direction my life is heading in

notarehearsal Wed 03-Aug-16 08:04:08

My exdh came home 3 weeks after his affair. I was pathetically grateful and followed the guidelines he had set! These were that there was to be no discussion about his six month affair and we were to behave as if it had never happened ( he'd actually led a double life for six months) counselling would be out of the question as, in his eyes, he'd done nothing wrong. He'd just made himself 'happy' ffs
Young as the children were and naive as I was I struggled on for a few months and nearly had a breakdown as a consequence of holding in my emotions. One morning I asked him why we weren't having sex anymore. I knew in my heart he felt guilty as still had feelings for ow. His silence told me everything and I asked him to leave. He left in an hour. We'd been together for twenty years. I cried almost every day for years until I stopped. It was the best thing that ever happened to me in retrospect. He was a waste of air. Anyway bavk to you op ..that's my story. You may be stronger than I managed to be. I did try but once someone has betrayed you in such an intimate way it's v v hard to move on. Exdh did go back to ow and it lasted a while until he betrayed her also

AnyFucker Wed 03-Aug-16 08:05:15

"Put barriers up by talking"

You have that arse ways about, Liz

YouSay Wed 03-Aug-16 08:06:48

Sorry op but it sounds like he is not comfortable sofa surfing anymore and wants his home comforts which is why he came back.

I don't believe he is particularly sorry for the affair either.

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 08:08:46

I know I do AF, it's temporary though, my thinking was to let all barriers down so there'd be no excuses from him as to why he wasn't making all efforts.

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 08:12:32

I know I do AF, it's temporary though, my thinking was to let all barriers down so there'd be no excuses from him as to why he wasn't making all efforts.

Rehearsal. How awful for you, this has been ongoing for 4 months now and I'm getting myself together. I wish I was on my holidays now to be honest. He hasn't said no talking or anything, he's said he's here if I do want to talk etc etc, it's me that wants to have the break of talking, just so life feels normal for a few days. I get the feeling I'm going to have to speak to him and tell him that there's no real effort from him, I just don't want to be hasty if this behaviour is the norm.

Off to work so may not respond until later but thanks all so far smile

Penfold007 Wed 03-Aug-16 08:16:08

Your H was 'showy' enough to have an affair. You are unwittingly sending out the message that there are no consequences for him having had an affair. Who ended the affair?

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 08:25:21

He ended the affair, she wanted to leave her husband for mine and told her DH. My DH wanted to come back but it's only a few weeks later that we've come to this point.

Sandy, I fully understand what you are saying.

I'll check back later, just got to work

2ManySweets Wed 03-Aug-16 08:26:53

Your posts are screaming what you are trying to do to accommodate him.

Softly softky catchy monkey appears to be your modus operandi; don't rock the boat and it'll naturally correct itself. That's bonkers as it fails to address the root causes of why the affair happened in the first place.

As other posters have said to allow him to come and go then allow him back in the home with seemingly little effort made on his part means the opportunity for him to prove himself has been lost.

In your heart of hearts what do you want? Can you forgive him? Can you live with him knowing what he did? What's keeping you from throwing him out? Fear of loneliness or fear of starting again?

IME, relationships after an affair can continue but are irreversibly damaged and again - IME - fall apart after a couple of awkward uncomfortable years.

For goodness sake please put yourself first here and stop pussyfooting around. Get to a couples therapist now. And if he won't go there's your answer.

Good luck.

CwtchyQ Wed 03-Aug-16 08:35:17

I think, after reading everything you've said, you actually need to starting looking after you and getting to the crux of what you want. You're concentrating a lot on his feelings - because you're a good person - but this starts and ends with you. What do you really, truly feel?

Getting away sounds like a good idea.

And he doesn't sound hugely remorseful from what I've read, as in completely and utterly WILLING to do whatever it takes. And isn't that what it takes to get a marriage back on track?

I wish you all the best OP - I hope you manage to relax on your holiday.

mimishimmi Wed 03-Aug-16 08:38:56

Did he ask for your permission to stay over these four nights or did he just inform you? If he doesn't seem to be particularly making a genuine effort with you but just slotting back into his former life (which may have been made easier by what you did on homefront), he could so easily do this to you again...

adora1 Wed 03-Aug-16 13:15:30

So he decides everything then OP, even when he wants to stop shagging someone else and slink back to the comforts of his home - what a cheek and I think you have done yourself no favours by letting him carry on in this way, how do you know he won't do it again, he's been able to go off and sleep about then come back again - seriously, get him out, date him, then you will find out if he really is back for you or just because it's more comfortable.

LippyLiz Wed 03-Aug-16 13:29:53

I know you're all right with what you're saying. I just need to say it. I've realised he's a manipulator that dangles the carrot and talks me round while only committing to an extent. I'm so pissed off that I let him talk me round but he was so enthusiastic about us in a manner I've not seen for some time and it's dwindled rapidly over the last few days since confused

Cary2012 Wed 03-Aug-16 13:36:34

You don't need a tick list to justify ending your marriage. He did that when he cheated.

adora1 Wed 03-Aug-16 13:38:41

Because it is too soon OP, he's had no real consequence of his actions, he's gone off and had his fun and now decides to come back, ridiculous!

Tell him he can't stay anymore, let him take you out, spoil you, date you, show you how much you mean to him - for Christ sake, it's the least he can do no, you bloody deserve something.

adora1 Wed 03-Aug-16 13:39:21

And all this, he's telling you, you tell him for a change.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now