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Had no choice but to have my daughter arrested last night...(55 Posts)
I've written before (in comments on other threads) about my daughter. She was diagnosed with bipolar2, NPD and possible ADHD in January, following her lying to the police in order to have me arrested and her younger brother "taken away from [me]". I was released without charge (although she's adamant that she pressed them), she was referred on to the mental health team, childrens services came and said what a great mum I am (if that's even possible). My daughter is 20 next Sunday, and my son is 11.
She stopped taking her medication in the middle of May. Having already lived through several pyschotic breakdowns with her at the helm (the last one, she honestly believed that she was the next Messiah...), I've recognised the signs of another one building. I've begged for help for her, but because she's an adult, and is adamant that there's actually nothing wrong with her (she's convinced that I'm in league with her psych team - not one of whom I've ever met/spoken to in my life! - and that I simply want to "stifle [her] creativity" and prevent her from living her life. Actually, all I want is for her to be safe, and as well as she's ever going to get!), no one's interested. She's spent the last 6 months essentially abusing me. If I ask her to put the recycling out, it's "I'll have you re-arrested and [DS] taken off you, you cunt!", and so on. Threats of violence towards me and herself, emotional abuse, verbal abuse.
Last night, she threw a pan of cooking steak over the kitchen, whilst I and DS were standing there (she'd been cooking it), because I'd dared to ask her if she'd put the chips on (she'd said she was going to cook supper, as apparently only she knows how to cook steak). She then screeched at me, was I insane, because I'd just flung the pan all over the place before she went up to her room. I was worried the situation was going to escalate, so went up to apologise to her, to find her shoving clothes into her bag. I think I said something like "don't be so ludicrous"... and the next thing I know, she's shoving me over into her window. My son tells me that I hit my head on the sill, and that he called for an ambulance, which I apparently refused, so he called my mother. I don't remember any of this at all. Next thing I know, I'm being hauled upright by two police officers, my mother's standing there, and my DS is in hysterics because he thought that I was going to be arrested again. My mother had called an ambulance, and apparently, if an ambulance is called twice to the same address in a short space of time - they send the police, too.
Ambulance crew attended, examined me, I have a concussion, swelling to the occipital bone on the side that must have whacked the windowsill, and because I was so totally out of it, they determined that they had to do "the drunk tests" on me... which was completely humiliating as the only mind altering substances I had in my system were my prescribed meds for the day that far (I have neuropathy and fibromyalgia, amongst other things). I refused to go to hospital because, frankly, I've probably spent most of my life concussed one way or the other, and over the years I've survived worse. Police officer took my initial statement, listened to everything that I had to say, whilst his colleague was talking to my DS downstairs (according to them, he's a level headed kid because he gave a totally unbiased statement of what had happened, and even showed them on Google Maps where they could find his sister - who had told my mother, when she called her, that she was at the boyfriend's). They went off and arrested her, put her in a cell for several hours, and did everything that goes with that.
I haven't pressed charges. I know that I ought to have. She essentially left me for dead. For all she knew, she'd killed me and she chose to run and leave an 11 year old boy to deal with that by himself. I also know that this is because she's unmedicated and very unwell. I know that I didn't cause this, I cannot cure it, and I always forget the third 'C'. I've spent most of the last evening and this morning reassuring my son that he absolutely did the right thing, and that he's not to blame in any way, shape, or form for any of this. I know that last night happened because she's failed her first year at uni, and failed the resit. She was probably panicking because every teacher/tutor she's ever had up until uni has done nothing but allow her to coast... and uni, where she was expected to not only work, but to pull her weight in a team, proved out of her realm of understanding, I think. Her boyfriend also refused to talk to her yesterday, and she was in a mood about that.
Right now, I honestly feel as though my daughter died last night. She's lost herself to me forever. My mother and the police officer who called at 1am to find out what I wanted to do (this all started just before 6pm), both said that I have to put myself and DS first now. And rationally, I know that I do. I will. I just feel so tired, and immensely sad. All I can think about is how I used to look at her when she was a baby and a very young child and dream of all the different futures she could have. This? This definitely wasn't one of them.
I don't even really know why I'm typing this post. I just need to get it all out of my head so that I can put it to one side and try to move on for my son's sake. All I want is to curl up into a ball and howl for the loss of my daughter. But I can't.
It's funny, though (in a not-at-all-really sort of a way). If I were dating her, I could walk away. But because I'm her mother... I can't. Because I'll spend the rest of my life worrying about her, even though I'll never see her again. I just hope she's safe and that her boyfriend knows what he's let himself in for.
Oh my goodness, how terrible that you all have had to go through that.
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry. But I think the police are right that you need to put yourself and ds first. I think it's the only way your dd will get the help she needs.
Hi I have been through very similar. My DD it was drugs and alcohol. She attacked me one night with a bottle and I threw her out there and then. We couldn't get any help for her as she was an adult and she insisted it was all in my head. You have to put yourself and your son first now. I feel for you it isn't easy x
Please listen to your mum and the police
This may be what your DD needs in order to get some help
Be kind to yourself
U have said she is an adult.
Your son is a child.
U need to put his safety first. . And yours. She needs more help than u are able to provide. Time to leave it to the professionals.
You have described so well your feelings of loss for your daughter and I think the fact that you have such insight will be a great help for you and your DS as you move forward with your lives.
Once the dust has settled, if it ever does, would you consider counselling or some kind of talking therapy to help you deal with this loss?
I wish for the best for you and your DS, who needs you more than ever now.
I'm so sorry. What a lot to go through. I can totally understand that you feel you can't walk out on your dd and you will always be there for her, but she has to get help for herself. You need to look after yourself and your ds.
Could you change your mind and press charges? She might get more help.
Your poor thing.
In the nicest possible way fuck her. Let her get on with ruining her life, she's an adult now. Let her make her mistakes. She'll learn the hard way. There's nothing you can do. Maybe a fuck you attitude may make her realise what she has done and what she has lost.
Look after yourself and your son, don't let him witness anymore abuse xxx
While everything you have described is absolutely horrendous, you still show such compassion and understanding. Give some of it to yourself
I am so sorry this has happened to you OP.
But you need to look after yourself and your son. Your daughter is an adult and needs help but you cannot provide this for her any more. You've done all you can and must now look to the authorities to do their jobs. Of course you will always worry about her but what would have happened to your son had you been seriously injured? He has to be your priority right now.
You must try to let go and focus on the people you can actually help.
Pressing charges is the best way to ensure your DD gets the help she needs.
The other c is cause: you did not cause this.
I think you're being very brave. I hope you can all get the help you need, for your son's sake as well.
Bless you OP, what an awful situation. I think PP have made a very good point about pressing charges. Your DD obviously needs as much professional help as she can get, it might ensure this?
The third C is 'I can't control it'. And that is the hardest of the Cs to accept when it is your own child. All their life you've tried to keep them safe, remove any dangers in their path, in other words be in control. And this is one where you can't.
You've recognised that this has to be a turning point of some sort, that you need to put your own safety (physical and mental) and that of your DS first. And that it feels like she's died in some way. Both of those are insights which will help you now and in the future.
Allow yourself to grieve - for her, and for the fact that this is something you as her mother couldn't protect her from.
I know it sounds trite, but if she got cancer you'd feel guilt and anger that you couldn't stop it happening to her, and guilt and anger that you couldn't make it better for her - but you'd accept that she needed expert help to overcome it. A mental illness is no different. She needs the experts, and you haven't let her down by not being able to do it yourself.
contrary Oh my goodness, you've been through the mill and back, and you're absolutely right that if it was a partner you could leave but because it's your daughter it's a lot harder than that.
I'm saying this as someone with bipolar and BPD, it won't always be this way. You're right in that you didn't cause it and cannot contol it and you cannot cure it, but if the police and ambulance services have a full picture from the call outs is there a way you could get more support for her? Even sectioning?
I'm so sorry but paranoia and distortion are features of bipolar that I have experienced, and it sounds like your daughter is in the grip of a full mania episode. She needs professional help, and others on here have suggested you leave her to it as she's an adult, but she's also in an abyss where everything is black and everyone is against her. She needs help, but you also need help to get her help.
In the meantime you need a coping strategy for you and your DS. He did brilliantly calling for help like he did, and he's an absolute credit! You have to protect yourself and your DS, and if that means having a panic room when she's there (bathroom with a lock and access to a mobile phone?) or even barring her from the house you have to do it to protect you and your son.
You say you feel like your daughter died last night, and I totally understand that. You've seen a very different, very violent, very uncaring side to the child you gave birth to and used to watch sleeping and sniff her hair when she was fresh out of the bath. If it was a partner, even one with whom you had children, it would be easier to say "I've had enough". You've still had enough, but it's your daughter. She desperately needs help, she can't see the wood for the trees, and maybe it will take her being arrested and sectioned on the back of it for things to get better. It won't always be like this.
My mum had similar trouble with my sister when she was 18/19/20. DSis was abusive, physically and emotionally and almost destroyed DM. DM very nearly had her sectioned but couldn't go through with it. They agreed counselling which helped DSis understand the reasons why she behaved in that way and over time she improved. Plus mum put her house on the market and moved away "forcing" DSis to grow up and accept responsibility for her actions.
Now we all have a fab relationship so it can improve, there's hope. I agree with PP, hard as it is, you should put your DS first, it must be horrid for him to see this.
Can you have her sectioned for her own protection?
Best of luck with it all
Oh dear! This all sounds like a bit of a mess. Can you contact her mental health team and outline your concerns? They cannot give you any information but they can certainly listen. If you feel she needs hospital treatment ask them to call a mental health act assessment and outline reasons why eg she is becoming violent and you cannot guarentee your or her safety anymore.
I'm so sorry, I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you. This is unlikely to be the end of your relationship, particularly if she ever decides to resume her meds. Fingers crossed that she does this, for everyone's sake.
You have to protect yourself and your son. What happens to DS if anything happens to you. She left you there and ran off.
She needs to find somewhere else to live and stay away from you until she can be stable and respectful.
As a mother I know how difficult this must be for you. I put on my other hat as a HR professional and know that getting certain jobs with a criminal record can be difficult. That would be my one and only thought, but please don't feel bad whatever you decide to do.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
You poor thing. Please put yourself and your Son first but also its worth contacting Her MH team to let them know what's going on. Even if they can't share info with you you can give info to them so that when the inevitable happens they have a fuller picture of what's going on. It's important risk information.
She may well get better and come back to you in time, but clearly needs some good treatment and support first and it's too dangerous for you to provide this right now. Let the professionals know and step back OP. Xxx
Here's more on your rights as nearest relative - including your right to call for a mental health act assessment.
How awful op, I feel for you. Instead of pressing charges, can you not call the police and ask for her to be sectioned? She isn't taking her medication and she is dangerous.
I think you need to reconsider pressing charges - this may be the trigger to getting her the help she needs.
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