Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DD(12) has been inappropriate towards DH.

(68 Posts)
Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 13:27:38

I have posted before, but just changed my username.

We have 2 gorgeous DDs. DD1 is ours, biologically. DD2 is adopted (I wasn't sure if I should post here or on the adoption board). I'm talking 8 years ago now though. We haven't had any other behaviour of this nature, only when she was really young and she first came into our home, but that wasn't towards any family members only herself. She has had some behavioural difficulties, but nothing too extreme, just occasional violence at school and bad language.

I do think she is testing her boundaries, but it isn't appropriate. We have tried telling her and spoken to some support networks but tbh, in a way, it's making her worse, as she is seeing this as us not loving her which is exactly what we don't want, as it has taken so long to build that relationship up. We provide her with lots of kisses and cuddles and have been advised to stop that for a short while so it doesn't encourage the pushing of the boundaries, which we tried for a couple of days and also explained to DD1 (who is a couple of years older) that we won't be providing her with them as it's unfair but it will only be temporary for her to then get stroppy with DD2 and us, so that really isn't working.

I'm at my wits end, never had anything like this.

Pearlman Mon 01-Aug-16 13:32:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1468084768 Mon 01-Aug-16 13:34:34

What's she actually doing to your DH?

RivieraKid Mon 01-Aug-16 13:53:21

Sorry, is she being violent towards your DH?

Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 13:55:34

Sorry, I didn't want to go into too much detail as it then just looks odd imo, for me to post this. But she is sexually inappropriate, iyswim.

Pearlman Mon 01-Aug-16 13:58:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:01:53

It's just undressing herself at inappropriate times, on purpose, iyswim, etc.

She has been to counselling yes and she has been to workshops and CBT, with a couple of play therapies too. DH hasn't no.

Pearlman Mon 01-Aug-16 14:06:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:09:05

Sorry it means if you see what I mean. Just at her dad. She wouldn't dream of doing it around the house. I'd find it less concerning if she was just comfortable with that, as it would be easier to explain, but she knows exactly what she's doing. We still don't know the exact history of her at home, which is why it's so difficult, as no one is 100% on what she was taught as acceptable behaviour etc.

JudyCoolibar Mon 01-Aug-16 14:09:28

Do you have an adoption social worker you can talk to about this?

January87 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:10:45

Undressing herself and being 'sexually inappropriate' are quite different.

I'd get her into some more CBT, maybe some therapy. It's obvious she is psychological damaged since before she came to you, is it possible she was sexually abused when she was younger?

Pearlman Mon 01-Aug-16 14:11:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LewisAndClark Mon 01-Aug-16 14:13:30

Hmm. I have a DD of 12 and I quite often have to remind her to close her legs, not do backflips so her top falls down and not to walk around the house topless. It's a funny age. She isn't aware or shy about her body but needs to be reminded that other people find it uncomfortable.

Could it be you are reading too much into it because of her unknown background? Or am I completely off base and it's way past pre teen childishness?

Chillywhippet Mon 01-Aug-16 14:14:05

OP that sounds really tough.
I think you may get a more informed response on the adoption board as there will be parents there who have faced challenges like this as AC reach teens.
Good luck

Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:14:21

She will go into a room where he is alone, undress herself and purposely cuddle next to him, amongst other things (not sure how appropriate it is to write on here). I have never witnessed it but DH has let me know.

LilacSpunkMonkey Mon 01-Aug-16 14:14:25

She knows exactly what she's doing.

No, she doesn't. She's 12, a child.

This is really unpleasant.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:15:51

You need to sit her down with both you and dh and tell her that her behaviour is wrong and family members do not interact that way because it's Not normal and it's illegal.

Ensure that you are both dressed away from her and adequately clothed at all times yourselves.

Also you can contact your local SS dept for advice.

Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:16:11

I absolutely didn't mean it like that, I meant that she deliberately gets unchanged. That's what I meant by being aware.

Pearlman Mon 01-Aug-16 14:16:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Aug-16 14:17:13

I don't think we need details, tbh. There are all sorts of dodgy people around who would love some detail. If the OP thinks it's inappropriate behaviour, then we should trust what she's saying. Presumably she doesn't just mean her daughter's taking her clothes off for a shower.

I think you should go back to the adoption social worker and ask for some help, OP.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Mon 01-Aug-16 14:17:34

I would post on the adoption boards as well. Even though there are fewer posters we will 'get' what you are on about and why you are worried.

From what I understand, you say that when placed she also had some inappropriate sexual behaviour to herself. Some behaviours and upset from poor parenting prior to adoption are very deep seated, and even if they are hidden can rise up again.

You will also get views on whether your treatment of your elder DD should change just because your AD can't manage things. Also on how your DH can 'protect' himself against unfounded allegations should issues escalate.

My eldest, now a late teen and adopted nearly 10 years ago has had a very bumpy year which I think is due to her desperate need for affection and to feel 'special'.

Pearlman iyswim means 'if you see what I mean'

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Aug-16 14:18:13

12 year olds can certainly know what they're doing; they might not know why they're doing it, though.

1weekdown5togo Mon 01-Aug-16 14:18:23

I have experience of this with an adopted child when they reached puberty. Contact social services post-adoption support. I will PM you,

Wickford55 Mon 01-Aug-16 14:18:23

No, fully naked and then amongst other things, but DH always then reminds her before it gets to that step and she huffs off, moaning about how he doesn't love her. It's really difficult to explain without going in depth (which would be weird imho)

loveyoutothemoon Mon 01-Aug-16 14:19:10

What is her version of it all?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now