Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

10-year marriage ended, hurting so much - Have I done the right thing?

(22 Posts)
ScouseBird8364 Sun 31-Jul-16 14:50:25

Long story short...

My hubby had a Stroke 4 years ago - MH issues prior to that, which saw him in and out of jobs, but MH has deteriorated substantially since the Stroke. Last year and a half, my husband has drank every night (initially), which then turned into everyday (the drinking was becoming earlier in the day).

We lost everything; jobs, home, cars etc and had to move into social housing.

When sober, hubby is nice though emotionless for past 2 years - no affection etc and blames this on his Stroke. However, I've cried my heart out to him and begged on more than one occasion for him to stop drinking and be a family again, to no avail.

He gets extremely verbally aggressive with me when drunk. I took my children out Friday for a bite to eat, came home and he was, as usual, unbelievably verbally aggressive to me - something snapped in me, I decided (not a rash decision by any means) that he had to go. Police were caalled to remove him due to fears re his state of mind (not the first time they've been called), but now, my heart is aching :-(

Am I a horrible person to be leaving this man, who suffers from a myriad of MH issues, and the aftermath of a Stroke to now fend for himself?

I have exceeded all avenues to attempt to help him over the years but he has completely lost himself and has not interacted with our children for a long time now?

I just don't know how long this feeling of anguish will last and me wondering whether I have done the right thing? :-(

OurBlanche Sun 31-Jul-16 15:23:16

It's not nice and you will find people who choose to judge you negatively for it, but I would say you had no choice.

The stroke is coincidence. His MH issues are something you would have continued to work with... his drinking has killed your ability to do so.

Many people will post this, remember it, it will help:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

All you can do now is look after yourself and your kids. Your DH is an alcoholic... he needs to want to do something about it. To want that he will need to hit rock bottom, maybe this will be his rock bottom. If it is, or is not, you have no place in making it possible for him you can't, you will only make it worse - that is codependency, don't let that become your life's reality.

And yes, I do have family history with alcoholism, so have a very hard heart... it's how you survive an alcoholic in the family!

Best of luck xx

newworldnow Sun 31-Jul-16 15:25:50

You have done the right thing. For years you have put him first now is time for you. He is responsible for himself and to carry on would be enabling his abuse of his family. good luck I sayflowers

EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes Sun 31-Jul-16 15:37:16

I honestly don't see how any relationship could survive this level of addiction unless the person with the problem is able to recognise it and work towards controlling it.
Unfortunately I know a few people who lost everything due to addiction and the ones who have managed to rebuild their lives successfully we're the ones who saw they had a problem, sought help and worked damn hard to recover.
You can only sacrifice so much of yourself before you realise that the drink will always come first. It's a horrible feeling I know it only too well. But he is an adult and responsible for his own actions. In all of this your childrens wellbeing and security must come first and that means protecting yourself too

ScouseBird8364 Sun 31-Jul-16 16:00:53

Thank you for your messages so far, they mean a lot.

I always wondered (possibly denied) the 'alcoholism' as I wasn't sure quite how much / many units defined 'alcoholic' as such - his usual was 8 cans (lager) per day - recently increased to 12 :-( x

Mytown1971 Sun 31-Jul-16 16:44:28

I would say an alcoholic is someone who is dependant on alcohol. You don't have to have vodka on your cornflakes to be one in my opinion.

I think that Alcohol is also linked to mental health issues too.

You are not doing the wrong thing for me. You get one life. What he does his his choice. What you do is yours. Sometimes I think women are too fixated on must stay together regardless but no one thanks you for it.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 31-Jul-16 21:01:27

A person is an alcoholic where alcohol is causing problems in their relationship, work or generally life. He is an alcoholic. You had to ask him to leave if not for yourself at least for your children. There is nothing more you can do for him. Its not your fault. Sounds like you went well past what would normally be expected. Mind yourself now.

SugarMiceInTheRain Sun 31-Jul-16 21:04:55

I don't see how you could do anything else. You have children to think about and he is not prepared to change what he can (ie his drinking) to make the situation bearable for you all. You need to put your children first, and set them a good example - living with an alcoholic is hardly likely to give them that.

ScouseBird8364 Mon 01-Aug-16 19:55:16

Thanks again for your replies guys...

How do I do this? 😞 How do I now be single after so long, knowing my husband is out there, hopefully now in some alternative accommodation, but feeling alone and lost? 😞

tipsytrifle Mon 01-Aug-16 20:05:40

Twelve cans a day is a mind-bending amount of booze. That's a huge enemy to fight and only you were resisting it. You have done the right thing by your children. Look to them and their future happiness and security as your guide for how to handle the heartache. You can't save this man. You will learn how to be a single parent because you've been that for a long time already. Now you don't have his abusive presence blocking your path to a more fulfilling life you'll get along way better flowers

mineofuselessinformation Mon 01-Aug-16 20:06:59

In the kindest possible way, you've been 'single' for a long time, haven't you? By that, I mean you've been without the help and support of a loving partner - and your children will know that too, as much as you've tried to shield them.
Yes, he's on his own now, but you've tried to help and got nowhere.
To put a positive spin on it, he now has the chance to work on himself without anyone taking his time or attention, and has every reason to do so, i.e. your children and hopefully you too.
IMO, you've done the right thing. flowers

Shizzlestix Mon 01-Aug-16 22:15:27

Huge hugs (sorry, vipers!) and well done for having the strength to do this. Your DC will thank you for it in years to come. The MH issues aside, alcoholism is sodding awful, I find it hard to sympathise with the addicted person, even though I know it's very complex and the reasons for it can be very deepseated. It ruled my adolescence and I'm no longer tolerant of drunks.

tipsytrifle Mon 01-Aug-16 22:48:29

just as a btw - when i said "get along" i didn't mean with him!

SandyY2K Mon 01-Aug-16 22:56:59

You've done the right thing.
You deserve a better life and you only get one, so why have such a miserable one.

Just stick with this decision unless he later makes changes which would make your life with him better for you and the DCs.

Don't look back.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Tue 02-Aug-16 06:21:45

When you're feeling overwhelmed with guilt, look at your children. Think about the life they had with him in the house.

You owe them a damn sight more than you owe him. And I say that as someone who has experienced MH problems and has an ongoing 'disorder/condition'.

And on top of all this, there isn't an award for the woman who martyrs herself for a man. St Peter isn't standing there at the Pearly Gates (if thats your thing!) with a special medal or a VIP pass. Nope, this is it. That verbal abuse? There is no payoff.

You get one life. Your children get one childhood. Make the most of it.

Oh yes, and 'alcoholism' is determined by dependence on alcohol, not the amount consumed.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 13:00:05

my 3rd 'dh's drinking got worse after we married and he died as a result -to be totally selfish it was huge release for me and the dcs, you are far better off being well out of it op, such relationships are toxic and never end well ime. good luck with your new life flowers.

ScouseBird8364 Tue 02-Aug-16 18:31:19

mrsfuzzy Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that and no, it doesn't sound selfish at all 😞

Do you mind me asking how much / how often he was drinking? x

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:34:20

scouse eyes open in the morning, scotch by the bed side /sofa where ever he crashed out, white lightening cider at least 3 litres a day, bacardi breezers x6/7 and more scotch [at least 1/2 bottle a day], he'd drink not eat then drink himself back sober, in and out of detox, doc couldn't believe how much he drank and said he was lucky he wasn't dead earlier in his life.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:36:16

scouse believe me, i promise you won''t regret leaving.

ScouseBird8364 Sun 07-Aug-16 15:36:26

Feeling heartbroken yet again 💔

Further to all the above messages - me and hubby have been talking (he's staying at his sisters, waiting for some alternative accommodation) - he basically told me that, no matter what, or how long it will take, he will do everything he can to get better and back to us being a family.

Anyway, he knew I would be calling him yesterday for him to speak to our boys, but when I called, he was drunk AGAIN 😞 I wasn't prepared to let him speak to kids in that state - in fact, he didn't even ask about kids, just told me he'd been to his first AA meeting but won't be going back as, in his words, it was 'sh*t' 😞

Is he ever going to get better? I can't trust him to come back to us as a family, feeling he will just keep doing this, again and again and again 😞😢

ScouseBird8364 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:54:42

Am I kidding myself to believe he will get better and we can be a family again; just like it used to be? 😞

ScouseBird8364 Mon 29-Aug-16 18:01:16

I'm missing him dearly 😞

I feel so lonely and useless now 😞 Really struggling with the 3 kids, so stressed and just keep shouting at them 😞 Will anybody ever love me again? 😞

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now