Dealing with a flaky friend. More of a WWYD

[bonjournono]

I have a friend who I don't get to see often due to work and distance. We last met up in June and she said she wanted us to meet up more often as too much time had passed since we last met up. This was mainly due to her as she has work friends that she tends to prioritise over me and she is also married, which I'm not. So we arranged to go out for dinner and drinks one Saturday in August. She was adamant that we should regularly book in dates to see each other so that we don't lose touch.

She texted last week to ask if I was still able to make the Saturday night out in August. I replied that I was. I have actually juggled other plans around this date, turned down plans with other friends and booked my holiday around it, as I don't see her often and I wanted to keep the commitment.

Today I got a text from her, asking to meet up on the Friday night instead. No reason, just 'that evening is best for me.' I replied that I couldn't do that date, as I'm away until the Saturday morning. She then said that she has plans for that day but can let me know if she's free in the evening.

I'm confused about why she isn't free and now has to 'let me know' as this date has been arranged for weeks. I think perhaps she now has a better offer from her husband/work friends and I've been relegated to bottom of her priorities. I replied that I'd rather just leave it if she doesn't know what she's doing but she wants to let me know in a few days.

Should I be honest and say I'm not very happy with the fact that she's now busy, despite making plans with me ages ago? It feels quite disrespectful that I've turned down other plans for that date while she is apparently acting like she wasn't bothered in the first place. It's not that hard to keep one evening free, especially when it's booked weeks in advance. This isn't the first time she's done something like this either.

Would you say something or just keep quiet to avoid a confrontation?

[Buggers]

Text her back and say don't worry we'll do something another time. I wouldn't bother saying anything to her and she's most likely not going to be free in the evening so bail out on her first. She sounds a nightmare.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Is your friend my friend?!!
I havent seen mine since May. She tells me weekly we need to meet up , asks me over on certain days then cancels on the morning just .... well she doesnt feel like it.
I arranged with 2 of her friends for us to go on a girls weekend for her birthday coz she moans every year that she never does anything and she has made excuses.
She moans at me coz she never sees me but its her own fault. It hurts when she meets up with other friends but yet never has time for me so now I have stopped asking . I have backed off from her. Who needs friend's like this ? They will never change and they turn it round to make us seem the flaky ones ...I've stopped putting so much effort into a dead friendship . Its hard to accept but we make time for people we want to see .

[pallasathena]

They're drama llamas! Had a similar friend many years ago who used to construct the most complicated set of arrangements for meeting up then cancel the day before then phone me up a few days later, always late evening to bend my ear over he said/she said nonsense. Ended up buying an answerphone to screen her calls then gradually edged myself out of her life. It was a relief.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

She's texting you and arranging because she feels guilty/like she should. However it sounds as if she always intended to ditch you If a better offer came along, but gets to assuage her guilt because she had made the effort to organise in first place so thought was there, iyswim?
Tbh I'd cancel now and make more fun plans she doesn't sound like much of a friend

[ElspethFlashman]

Wait, did she basically say "wait around for my call on the Saturday to see if I'm free or not?"

I'd just text back and say don't worry, That you have friends who are looking for you to hang out with them on the Saturday night so if she's under pressure that weekend you'll just commit to them and it's honestly fine.

In other words "I'm a social butterfly and have other offers thanks, so fuck off"

[HoggleHoggle]

I'd text/call back and say you don't want to hold off plans given she possibly can't make it. Then don't make another date with her.

[CatherineDeB]

I have got a friend like this, we were absolutely best friends in our twenties/early thirties. Both worked in London and saw each other often, significant friendships at the time we both married. Went though a fair bit together.

Now, almost twenty years on whenever we arrange to meet (200 miles) she always comes up with a reason to cancel s couple of weeks out, she actually cancelled our Christmas invitation one year . In hindsight I am not sure she thought we would accept.

Anyway, I now don't arrange anything and just say "oh yes we must meet up", empty words on my part - we email each other every couple of months. Fine by me.

I would send her a text saying that you got the opportunity to stay an extra night on your holiday and have accepted it.

[MargotLovedTom]

"This is a bit inconvenient because I've actually arranged things around us going out on the Saturday night; it's been planned for a while now."

Then depending on how you feel: "Let's just leave it then. Catch up with you soon."

I would be really pissed off in your shoes.

[user1469526900]

I think we all have one friend like this... Sees you as a back up arrangement to more important things. I have a "friend" who I messaged recently to see if she wanted to catch up, her reply was "no I'm busy until the end of sept with ..... And listed a load of trivial stuff and seeing other (more important) friends.

I think the only thing you can do is recognise that you have more value than this friend is giving you and move on. Make other arrangements, enjoy your life, don't get upset or pour your heart out just fade out of her life. If you're important she'll make more effort, if not..... Her loss!!

[MatildaTheCat]

What Margot says. Perfect and doesn't let her off the hook.

[bonjournono]

Thanks everyone.

I insisted that we leave it for now. She kept going on about 'letting me know' as apparently she's arranged to go to London with her husband that day and she might be back for the evening she then suggested another date the week after but I said I was busy and would have to let her know.

She's so rude - it's just basic manners to keep dates booked weeks in advance isn't it? I don't think I need a friend like that!

[HoggleHoggle]

Yes, it is basic manners. Well done for standing up for yourself

[Alicesmith85]

I had a friend like this, got fed up of it and am no longer her friend! Sad really but being continually cancelled on because she had a better offer was starting to effect my confidence.

Well done for sticking up for yourself.

[AyeAmarok]

"Hi friend,

I'd actually arranged all my own engagements around that Saturday as it's been in the diary for a while and we haven't seen each other in so long.

If you've arranged something else that day then I think it's best if we just cancel, as I can make more convenient alternative arrangements here too."

[2rebecca]

If she keeps asking I would be honest and tell her you are really disappointed that she cancelled the August date because something "better" came along and that there is no point making appointments to see each other if she doesn't keep them.

[maggiethemagpie]

I had a friend who kept doing this. Making plans then cancelling because she had a better offer. After the fourth time in a row she did this, I just cut her off and haven't spoken to her since. I honestly haven't missed her!

[RaeSkywalker]

Honestly, one of my closest friends did this to me several times at the start of the year (new boyfriend, kept ditching me for him). The 4th time she did it, I text back saying "that's ok, but you do realise that this is the 4th time you've done this in a month?" She was genuinely mortified- obviously she hadn't been counting like me! I think that sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't stop and think.

I'd give your friend a chance. Explain how you feel. But if it starts to feel forced or she does it again, then definitely distance yourself. On balance though, it does sound like she's not a great friend to you.

[MyLlamasGoneBananas]

This posses me off. I've just realised reading this thread that this is what my so called best friend does to me all the time. I last saw her in January.
Im leaving the ball in her court from now on. This thread has opened my eyes.