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Cheating - I keep pulling what I know apart and try to put it back together again

(30 Posts)
nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 14:43:34

These are the facts. Please tell me what you think.

Your partner (caring, committed, good company, long term relationship) gets a text from another woman. It says 'I need to see you.'
He tells you that it is woman he met for coffee once, at least 4.5 years ago.
You ask why she wants to see him. He says he doesn't know. He says he has been 'helping her because she is in an abusive relationship'.
You ask to see their messages. He has deleted them. He calls her a nutter and says he doesn't want anything to do with her.
He lies about where they met because the place he names didn't open until over 2 years after they apparently met.
The OW is married with a husband who works abroad for long periods.
You contact the OW and she says there is no relationship. However she says they met for coffee twice and says he had been single for a couple of years, when you know that your relationship started after he was single for one year.
Most importantly she refuses to say how they met or even which year. She says she can't remember and it wasn't important to her. She says she didn't mean to send him that message, it was for someone else, although when it happened that's not the way he acted. No apology offered for upset caused.

He swears he has not seen anyone else and also swears he would never cheat because he knows what it feels like. The relationship is over because he says he knows I don't trust him now. But I'm left feeling like the crazy one because they both know the truth and I don't.

I've posted about this already and had good advice. But I'm struggling. Please give it to me honestly and help me come to terms with what I thought I knew about him and our relationship and this new information.

adora1 Thu 28-Jul-16 15:08:52

I'd assume they are both good liars and are continuing to hide their relationship from you, it's at the very least emotional, he has to go OP, he's not giving you any truth.

And the classic line: she's a nutter, yeah, she wasn't a nutter before you saw the messages though.

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 15:20:43

I just keep coming back to the nature of her message, it sounds like they have been in a relationship, to me. And the fact he deleted the messages. Cheaters' script.

I want an std check, for peace of mind. Do I see my GP?

Hubnut Thu 28-Jul-16 15:26:36

I would agree that he has cheated. It's shit that he won't come clean even after he knows it's over. X

mumofthemonsters808 Thu 28-Jul-16 15:32:41

My take on it is, that they've both cheated, but their now covering their arises because they don't want to loose the people they are with.In other words, they want their cake and to eat it.Denial is a very typical response in these type of situations.Dont be taken the piss out of, this must be wrecking your head, I feel for you.

SoleBizzz Thu 28-Jul-16 15:35:53

Bothiars. Your DP is a cheat in every meaning of the word. Horrible feeling a d takes time to recover.

SoleBizzz Thu 28-Jul-16 15:36:51

Both liars*

FreeFromHarm Thu 28-Jul-16 15:38:43

GP op
Do not believe a word he says
Dump him and do not listen to the script or the tears
You are doing yourself the biggest favour X

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 15:39:05

Yes they are both lying - her because she is married and him because he can't admit what he's done. He would lose the moral high ground he has been standing on his ex wife cheated. I asked him to tell me the truth and we could work past it but he is adamant he has told the truth.

Just devastating to think he was deceiving me so thoroughly. We had no big problems in our relationship. I think he just wanted something extra.

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 15:42:28

Thank you for talking to me. I feel this need to have others say it back to me - yes he is cheating, he is lying, you are not imagining it.

SoleBizzz Thu 28-Jul-16 15:44:03

If your gut feeling tells you he is a disrespectful, cheating liar and he thinks you are so thick you might fall for his lies as he is a coward. What are you going to do? End the contact you have with him?

FreeFromHarm Thu 28-Jul-16 15:49:13

Do not panic, you are listening to your instincts , red flags, wish I had done the same thing. Is the house jointly owned ? Any dc's ?

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 15:49:43

Yes, there is no contact now. I know it's the best way but today I feel like the rug has been taken out from under my feet. Everything I thought and believed is not true or been shit on by their deceit.

I forgot to say in my OP that this woman was a secret, he had never mentioned her, they were not FB friends.

I can only conclude he's met her on a hook up site. Makes me sick sad

SoleBizzz Thu 28-Jul-16 15:52:33

You are not crazy. You have made a healthy decision. Your view of your past reality is only crooked because you are still detaching as you were together for a long time. Keep busy. It really moves along the grieving process.

SoleBizzz Thu 28-Jul-16 15:53:42

Probably did meet her on a hook up site. Eventually you realise he could have met her anywhere. A cheat is a cheat no matter how they meet another cheater.

ImperialBlether Thu 28-Jul-16 15:55:48

I think anyone who deletes their messages in case their partner sees them is up to no good. It stands to reason. If the messages were simply, about her abusive husband, there'd be no need to hide them. At the very least, that makes it an emotional affair. Many women who're having a relationship with someone abusive with latch onto another man and turn him into a rescuer.

Now, though, that she needs to see him... That would indicate one of a number of things. Worst case scenario, she's pregnant, got an STD, her husband's found out, etc. It could be that they'd broken up and she was instigating a meeting.

I really doubt it's innocent. They are lying through their teeth and they've been caught unawares, too. It's as though they decided ages ago what they'd say if they were caught, but now they can't remember or the situation's changed.

Even those who are good company can be rubbish boyfriends. You won't have peace of mind with him over this, even if you carry on with him for years.

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 15:56:30

We didn't live together so I'll probably never see him again (he lives in a different town).

I knew he was bullshitting me from the start but I didn't see it coming. It's just not who I thought he was.

ImperialBlether Thu 28-Jul-16 15:56:33

Why do you think he met her on a hook up site and not at work or when he was out with friends?

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 16:02:23

I agree Imperial, to me it sounds like she was trying arrange a meeting, to get him back, to rekindle something, to get her kicks.

Interesting about the rescuer notion but I'm still left thinking why did he never mentioned her, why did he feel obligated to help someone he met once, why didn't she lean on her own friends. And then I think stop analysing it, it's not the truth, they're just lying.

MsMims Thu 28-Jul-16 16:04:28

My feelings are that he has cheated, and actually to add insult to injury he won't even hold his hands up now and give you a full disclosure. You don't deserve that OP, no one does.

A sexual health clinic would be the best call for a full STD screening. Lots of GPs don't offer the full range of tests.

Remember this is a reflection on him not you flowers

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 16:06:13

He doesn't have any friends ( red flag, I know). She doesn't work in his office but he goes to appointments over a huge area so they could have met then.

SandyY2K Thu 28-Jul-16 16:36:08

They're both lying.

I bet her husband would be suprised to hear he's abusive too.

She needs to see him, because she wanted some sex or she might be up the duff. That's usually what it is when the OW sends those messages.

You're better off without him.

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 17:06:51

Christ I would laugh if she was pregnant...firstly her very unprivate FB page tells me her youngest child has just left home and secondly it would be history repeating itself. I fell pregnant to him as he mistakenly thought he was infertile and he wasn't exactly the biggest support when I went on to have a miscarriage. Tosser.

nooofthenoodle Thu 28-Jul-16 18:18:15

So sorry you're going through this op it really is awful I've been there myself and it was the worst experience of my life. Like yours mine was a coward piece of shit that even with the evidence, or lack of, also deleted all messages except the one I read, he denied it all.
It does mess with your head and you will have a range of strong emotions over the weeks and months to come. It's normal to feel lost scared worthless and angry, but you've done the right thing by getting rid, the worst is almost over and you can start moving forward.
They both sound disgusting.

nowaybaby Thu 28-Jul-16 23:47:28

Thank you to everyone, your thoughts have helped. Strong emotions is exactly right. I have felt like my own judgment was wrong but no matter how I square it, I come up with things that don't fit. Plus the way he has treated me in the past 2.5 weeks has been horrible, all about him and his own drama. He's under an illusion that we will both be sad for a while and one day we will meet up and reminisce about good times.
If you are reading this 'D' P , FOTTFSOF.

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