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H has been using massage parlour

(131 Posts)
Happymassage Wed 27-Jul-16 18:30:38

Just that really. I am 35 weeks pregnant and upset is an understatement. I am a long time lurker and last week I checked his email and saw that he had messaged people on craigslist for massage services. I confronted him, he denied, saying 'you know I was researching that'. I called him on his bullshit (he did - a year ago), and then he said that he was looking into getting a massage with a handjob but did not go through with it. I told him I did not believe him, went mad at him (all via text unfortunately, as he was in no position to talk). He went to a work's drink thing that night, came back, would not speak about it, and I slept on the couch, getting only a few hours sleep. Next morning he said he would talk and admitted to visiting a place three times and getting a handjob at the end of it. I went mad on him, he seemed a bit remorseful, said sorry, but said he was stressed and it was just for stress release, that he did not see it as a sexual thing. Which I know is bullshit.

Thing is, I have been trying to engage with him sexually for months. He repeatedly turns me down, saying he is tired or that he feels uncomfortable because I am pregnant with his baby. So I feel really devastated, heavily pregnant, unattractive and rejected right now.

I have pointed out the STI risks, the moral/legal risks - this to me is a BIG deal paying for a service, using family money for an exploitation-based trade. He is evasive, and does not like to talk about it. He is away for the week unfortunately, so I am very limited in the contact, so I am left with my thoughts about how to deal with this bombshell.

It's not like we are a sexually prudish couple. Before pregnancy we actively involved others sexually. To me, it is lying and deception that is the issue. We used a site together which I then discovered he was using to contact others for his own needs (webcamming). I have caught him before on various dating/affair sites, where he has swore that he has never met with anyone and he uses them for webcamming (which is something which I said was ok, albeit reluctantly). I went mad about the sites and he said he would not do that again. All sites were deleted. Now he has gone that bit further in the lying and deception.

He is a very good husband in other ways, a great stepdad, very well house trained, caring. He has a high stress job too and several hobbies so he is very busy a lot of the time. He has been drinking a lot (at home) for the past few years. We have been through a heck of a lot together - some incredibly stressful family stuff that would break most people. We have both made sacrifices. As I said, it is a good marriage, apart from these lies. He thinks it is not cheating and has said he has never cheated on me. Every time I discover something else, I feel upset, then deflated. Perhaps because I am so heavily pregnant, this time I am at the end of it. If he cannot change, properly change, I can't see a way forward. That thought is scary as hell in my current vulnerable situation.

I have booked a relate session for us for next week. It all feels so cliched and seedy.

Happymassage Wed 27-Jul-16 18:49:39

Just bumping up - not sure if anyone has been through similar or can give some advice. Feel horribly alone right now.

eatingtomuch Wed 27-Jul-16 18:55:43

Sorry no advice other than not to sexually include others in your relationship.

AutumnRose1988 Wed 27-Jul-16 19:01:02

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this craziness when you should be feeling cherished, supported and appreciated. I dont want to sound harsh but he sounds like a seedy individual who can't show any self restraint...surely his mind should be so preoccupied for the new arrival...he sounds borderline perverted. It's as though he just can't help but take part in seedy sex acts. I think he has stepped over the line so many times that if he was my husband he would have totally obliterated the specialness of this special time. I don't think you will ever regain the respect and warmth you should have with him and get rid!

MammouthTask Wed 27-Jul-16 19:01:40

Relate is a good idea but the issue here is that he isn't actually remorseful is he?
That's why he has been lying but has still carried doing whatever he wanted (webcam, massage parlour etc...) even though he knew you aren't happy about it.

And I'm sorry but he isn't a good husband if he is happy to deceive you again and again, tells you lies and does things that he knows are disrespectful to you.

I'm sorry about the mess, especially at this time in you life flowers

LegoCaltrops Wed 27-Jul-16 19:02:11

He's already proved he's willing to cheat, lies to you, potentially risking STIs, & shutting you out sexually. He uses family money for it. I couldn't think of my DH as a good husband if he behaved like that, sorry.

Do you believe he's ever slept with anyone else outside of the mutual consent of your open relationship (ie without you knowing)?

AskBasil Wed 27-Jul-16 19:02:15

"it is a good marriage, apart from these lies."

That's a bit like saying "Apart from the lack of wheels, it's a good car". A good marriage is based on the people within it, not lying to each other. His lies means that by definition, it is not a good marriage.

Sorry.

You're not going to want to hear this when you are 35 weeks pregnant, it's much easier to embrace denial; but this man is a skank and a liar and that cancels out the good stepfathering bit.

Happymassage Wed 27-Jul-16 19:02:20

Thank you eating, but that is not helpful. You are missing the point about what I am going through completely.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 27-Jul-16 19:02:53

This would be an utter deal breaker for me. Completely.

The problem with giving in to some things - like the webcamming - is that he now doesn't believe that you'll stand by your boundaries, so he expects he will get away with anything. He's not even sorry, he doesn't care. His refusing to talk to you after is incredibly telling.

Do you want to continue your relationship with him?

AskBasil Wed 27-Jul-16 19:04:05

And oh sweetheart, at 35 weeks pregnant the man you're with should be cherishing and loving you. Not going to get handjobs from vulnerable women who have very little choice in servicing your husband's disgusting power kick needs. You deserve so much better.

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 27-Jul-16 19:09:14

He's a cheat, he has cheated, thats all you need to know. He can minimise all he likes but he has betrayed you, over and over again

I understand this must be difficult, especially being pregnant, but you don't have a good marriage, you both see your relationship very differently

He won't stop doing this as he needs the high

Happymassage Wed 27-Jul-16 19:10:25

Hand on heart I don't believe he has slept with anyone else. His relationship with online sex stuff is very complicated and he has opened up to me about it. I am not excusing him by any stretch, but he is actually a good person. I was in an exceedingly emotionally abusive relationship in the past, and I know the difference. It is the lies. It is killing me.

DietCockBreak Wed 27-Jul-16 19:11:45

Hand jobs my arse! He's obviously been having sex with prostitutes, he's not gone there 3 times for a fucking hand job.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you especially at 35 weeks pregnant, but this man has had so many chances, he's not going to change. If anything, he seems to be getting worse and worse. Ok you had some different sexual boundaries at the beginning, but you DID have boundaries, and he's gone way beyond them again and again with no concerns about how you'd feel about it. He's a cunt. xx

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 27-Jul-16 19:13:06

Being unfaithful doesn't always mean sleeping with someone
A good person doesn't cheat on his pregnant wife and make her feel shit about herself

AskBasil Wed 27-Jul-16 19:13:39

Happymassage, lies is emotional abuse.

You're not recognising it. sad

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 27-Jul-16 19:15:47

It's the lies that mean you can't believe what he told you about his online sex problem, too. And it's not just online sex - he purposefully went to a massage parlour that offers "extras" THREE TIMES. On none of those occasions did he come to you, or tell you. If he needed a stress relieving hand job, he has two hands of his own.

He fed you an emotional story about online sex issues so you would accept this bollocks. It doesn't surprise me that you've been in an abusive relationship before, either - this type of man tends to prey on women who have, so they think this is better than what they had.

LegoCaltrops Wed 27-Jul-16 19:19:21

You say he's a good husband apart from this, & that you've previously been in abusive relationship. I suspect a lot of people who've been abused (by partners, parents & so on) have rather different boundaries from those who've never experienced abuse. So you accept behaviour you shouldn't, on the basis that your current situation is better than what you put up with before. Sadly I know what I'm talking about. You think cheating on you, taking family money, sexually excluding you isn't abusive? He's certainly got you forgiving a lot of things that many people wouldn't.

Happymassage Wed 27-Jul-16 19:21:09

He's not emotionally abusive, just emotionally distant. I recognise the signs and it really is not like that. I know when you hear a snapshot of what is happening that it is easy to come to that conclusion. I am not scared or anything like that. He just deflects, goes into his shell, talks about surface stuff. Does not like to be confronted. He does not get angry, just does not like confrontation.

LegoCaltrops Wed 27-Jul-16 19:22:22

To clarify - I don't mean victims of abuse are asking for it, far from it. More that abuse victims have their boundaries chipped away until it's hard to see what's normal. This is why so many victims don't leave intolerable situations sooner.

SandyY2K Wed 27-Jul-16 19:23:09

I think he's shown you what he's into really. He likes the webcammimg.. now happy endings ... it will only go further from here. You do know they also go all the way in those massage parlours don't you?

The swinging is seperate and something you both consented to.

I don't think this will be the last of it because he isn't really remorseful and doesn't consider it cheating.

If you had a man rubbing your clit would he be okay with it? Would he consider that to be cheating? Because you can find a male masseur on CL to rub you the right way.

Happymassage Wed 27-Jul-16 19:23:45

I am just hoping that relate therapy will knock some serious sense into him and point out all of this.

AskBasil Wed 27-Jul-16 19:24:54

"He just deflects, goes into his shell, talks about surface stuff"

That IS emotional abuse.

He refuses to engage in something that's crucially important to you and your relationship.

Sorry, but you really don't know the signs of emotional abuse. Constant lies, deflection and emotional disengagement is emotional abuse.

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 27-Jul-16 19:24:59

To clarify , he lies, cheats, uses family money and sexually excludes you

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 27-Jul-16 19:25:09

At 35 weeks pregnant, you are in no position to make life changing decisions. My recommendation (partly from hard won experience) is to put everything on hold. You do not need to make a decision right now.

For now, look after your, your baby and your little one(s). This will include sti checks.

While he is away, gather copies of mortgage, salary, savings, pension passports, birth certificates etc. take copies or originals and store them at a trusted friends house.

Retake your bedroom, he gets to sleep on the sofa when he returns. If the child(ren) ask, just say you need more space.

Find a family member or good friend to confide in. You cannot and should not carry his dirty secret alone. However, if you go completely public, you cannot unrung that bell. You can tell people later if you choose to.

Do not provide him with any wifely services at all. Consider who you might prefer as a birth partner. (I am a great birth partner!)

I would also consult a solicitor about divorce. None of this commits you to staying or divorcing him. It just gives you information for when you are ready for it. He may drive you nuts and you need to expedite your decision.

Pencil a date in your diary for when baby is 3 months old (God willing you are both fit and well after delivery) to decide on your next step.

Confide in your midwife/health visitor so she can watch out for ante or post natal depression or effects of stress.

I so feel for you. He is wrong every which way.

TheBouquets Wed 27-Jul-16 19:25:35

Your own words "It is killing me" In any other part of your brain would you stand still and let someone kill you. I suppose not so why let this person

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