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husband acting odd during pregnancy?

(18 Posts)
Indiana77 Wed 27-Jul-16 17:15:58

Here's a warning to any critical readers. I am well aware I may be overreacting, my hormones are all over the place and I am generally a worry wart. But I would really appreciate any advice.
So. Husband and I are expecting our first child, due in November, and have been looking for a bigger flat to move into before I am too massive and early enough to have time to prepare the baby's room etc. Found an amazing flat, decided together to make an offer (for a bigger rent than the asking price to maximise our chances.) We get accepted. I am super happy. Husband freaks out. BIG STYLE. All of a sudden he can't decide if this is the right flat, he is going back and forth and is in a vile mood. We have 24 hours to accept the offer, but I have to travel to my home country towards the end of this 24 hours, so I tell him to do what he thinks is best -I don't want to force him to live somewhere that makes him that anxious, but I also say honestly and straight up that I don't want to move when I am 8 months pregnant and I have 3 work trips coming up (abroad), so I would rather choose a flat now. When I get off the plane, my inbox is full of anxious emails, where he says he feels "paralysed" and "panicky" and doesn't know what the right decision is. I tell him again, I would love the flat but if it makes him that anxious let's just leave it. He then decides to pay the deposit, and I think we're done. But no. Today he has not answered my messages (we usually email or text every day when I am abroad) and when I ask if he's ok, I get an answer saying he is not ok, that he feels awful and thinks he shouldn't have paid the deposit. He just wants to sleep.
Ok. So I would understand the severity of his reaction if we were buying a house. Or moving abroad for 10 years. But we have moved to a different area within London, which is still 15 minute bus ride away from where we used to live. Admittedly the area is not quite as nice as the one before, and we had a great community vibe in the old place...but it's 15 minutes or 1 tube stop away. What on Earth is going on? I don't want to belittle his anguish but I kind of feel like he is grappling with something else entirely, something that actually has nothing to do with the flat. Saying this out loud would make him really annoyed so I won't. But please, help me. Do you have similar experiences? I feel like we were supposed to move into a nice flat and start a life together as a family, and now the whole thing is totally tainted with despair and negativity. I have no idea how to help him. Whatever I say trying to convince him it'll be fine just irritates him. I've had contractions because of the arguing, I feel very much alone in preparing for the move and the baby now. I would love to hear any similar experiences or ideas on how to deal with this. Thanks and sorry about the rant!

Aussiebean Wed 27-Jul-16 19:09:56

No experience but I would guess it has just hit him that he is going to have a baby.

Aussiebean Wed 27-Jul-16 19:10:48

And probably hit him that life is going to change big time.

Is this the first big change because of the baby?

twoundertwowillbefun Wed 27-Jul-16 19:13:22

Yup - sounds like panic because life will not be the same with a new baby....good he's panicking now rather than after the birth!

twoundertwowillbefun Wed 27-Jul-16 19:13:26

Yup - sounds like panic because life will not be the same with a new baby....good he's panicking now rather than after the birth!

NotYoda Wed 27-Jul-16 19:28:50

I don't think you can move forward, can you, without saying what you've said to him?

I'm not unsympathetic to the guy - I've suffered from anxiety and depression in the past. But pretending it's not happening is not helpful. You will need to communicate in the coming months and years of having this baby, so I'd advise starting now.

NotYoda Wed 27-Jul-16 19:29:15

soory, I meant saying what you've said to us, to him. IYSWIM

Indiana77 Wed 27-Jul-16 19:30:45

Yes this is the first real practical change we've had since discovering my pregnancy. He does have this strange tendency to really struggle with decisions, when he feels they are important. But this is just way beyond anything I have seen before. It makes me so depressed about this new place I was excited about, worried he will just be grumpy all the time. Now I can't really get excited either. This is so out of character too, normally he is quite laid back and loving. Have others here had their partners react in a weird way during pregnancy due to panic? What can I do to help it?

NotYoda Wed 27-Jul-16 19:34:12

You are doing a lot. He has to admit it. That's what I think. I can't bear pussy-footing around. It's not fair on you.

Indiana77 Wed 27-Jul-16 19:34:54

Also: what kind of an adult can't control themselves more than this? He is over 40 and in hysterics because he has to move 15 minutes away from an area he likes. I kind of feel like at this age one must deal with disappointments a little more maturely? Which brings me back to the idea that it isn't about the flat at all.

NotYoda Wed 27-Jul-16 19:35:16

I mean he has to admit he's panicking 9if he is0, and realise that it's understandable. But you can't help if he's acting it out instead of saying it

NotYoda Wed 27-Jul-16 19:38:56

To answer your question - if he's undergoing some kind of mental health crisis he may not be able to control himself.

Either that or it's more deliberate and I can't really think what that might be about.

Indiana77 Wed 27-Jul-16 19:39:06

I did confront him and he just says he can't hide the fact he isn't happy about the move. And that it's the area he doesn't like. I don't understand. The area is perfectly normal residential area in North London. Maybe not super full of cool shops and bars but like I said, all those are very near.

FeckinCrutches Wed 27-Jul-16 19:42:48

My normally level headed, practical, wonderful husband totally lost his shit when we had a baby. He was totally fine, then about ten weeks before I was due, he started drinking heavily (for him anyway) most nights for about a month. He snapped out of it, after vomiting one night, which he's never done. I think the responsibility was just too much for him at the time.

He's obviously fine now years later, but is still embarrassed about it.

Maybe the house move and baby is just too much for him to handle, and that's obviously hard for you when you sound so level headed about everything

NotYoda Wed 27-Jul-16 19:44:12

Thinking about it, DH did take to staying out late right at the beginning after I had DS1. Maybe he couldn't bear me flinging the baby at him as soon as he returned home. He got over it.

CharminglyGawky Wed 27-Jul-16 19:52:05

My husband has started gaming since I've been pregnant hmm He's always had his x-box but played rarely, now he seems to be addicted to the darn thing. He started at about the same time as my morning sickness started so I think it's a reaction to the baby and the responsibilities he knows are coming... I'm starting to lose patience now it's been more than a month!

Indiana77 Wed 27-Jul-16 21:56:25

I am terrified of what happens when the baby actually arrives...

Viviennemary Wed 27-Jul-16 22:02:30

Sounds as if he is in a panic. Could it be that he is worried how you will cope financially. That sounds the most logical explanation. He is obviously unhappy about the move. So it might be better to put it on hold for the time being.

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