Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Was I wrong(26 Posts)
Long time lurker so this is my first post. Please be gentle as I am feeling extremely fragile. Met dp when I was in my late teens, now late 30s DP late 40s. Two DC and a nutter of a dog. I need some perspective on this, was I right?
A few nights ago my car was at mechanics, I work nights (4am this shift). I could have booked a taxi to get home but DP said he would ask his mom to stay over so he could pick me up. I asked him before work if this was still ok
I finished my shift, he wasn't there. So I called him, he said to start walking and he would meet me. I then called and text him numerous times, no answer. Didn't want to use house phone because DC2 is a very light sleeper. I ended up walking all the way, 30 min walk at 4am in the morning. No taxis available.
When I got home, his mom was asleep on our sofa. He then threw a strop because I woke him up getting into bed. I cried myself to sleep.
expected seeing as he had been an ass that he would let me have a lie in and he'd get DC fed and ready for swimming. No, he woke me up lay in bed taking to his mate about golf. His mom had fed kids before going to work. He then proceeded to spend the morning sulking like I was in the wrong.
I lost my temper. He works long hours but he plays golf every freaking weekend. I cope with the housework, kids, homework, temper tantrums, bath time and bed every weekend. He doesn't give me that back, he doesn't ever say he will take our dc so maybe I can have a morning shopping or get my hair cut. We've not been intimate in a while, but how can I even want sex when I am so tired and I feel so old and unloved by him. I asked if he would like our children to be treated this way when they are parents? His answer, I could f off if I didn't like it.
It didn't always be like this. But this past year he seems to hate being around me. I know I have put on weight, I don't have the time or energy to look nice anymore. I'm always close to tears which apparently makes me unstable and I need medication.
I used to be the centre of his world. For the last birthday and mothers day, he brought me something from his shop. So he put no thought or interest into it. I feel like an after thought.
That same day, he said he was going out for painkillers and came back two hours later. After I had cooked tea, bathed kids, got ready for work etc. He couldn't understand why I was nearly crying again.
Normally if I was reading this, I would bd thinking ltb. Its not that easy is it? I would have to change jobs, I have no claim to the house as its in his and his moms name ( too young and stupid at the time). I do honestly love him, this is new behaviour. Feel so weak and alone.
You do have options to leave him. If you aren't married then less chance of getting anything from the house but he still has to support the dc financially. And you could ask work to change shifts as you have young dependents.
He's a dick. You know that though. I think you are looking for people to say yes, this is bad enough to leave. Or to get him to leave.
You should speak to Women's aid and then think about what your choices are but can you face being treated like this for years? Others have left marriages for less.
Don't live your life like this. Make some changes. If he won't change then you need to.
All I can say Op, is it sounds like the two of you have a plethora of issues to work through. He sounds like he's checked out of the relationship big time
I'm trying so hard to keep everything together. I don't know what I have done wrong.
So exactly why didn't he pick you up like he promised he would?
I'd be seething with rage.
He was out of order and along with everything else about his recent behaviour towards you, I think there's something going on.
People having affairs behave like this. They pull away and are mean to their other half. The golf every weekend could be a cover.
After so long why aren't you married? Or do neither of you want marriage?
I would have a talk to him as calmly as you can about his behaviour towards you and if he doesn't change , decide if you want to be with a man who treats you like this.
It's best to move on while you're young and have a chance for a brighter future. Then you'd have joint custody and let's see him play golf every weekend then.
He's treating you like a housemaid quite frankly and I wouldn't put up with it.
If he couldn't be bothered to ensure you got safely home ... then he really doesn't care would be my conclusion.
you have access to his phone? Has he changed other behaviours? I smell a rat.
You haven't done anything wrong. Please don't continue to let yourself be treated like this. Sounds like you'd be far happier with him out if the equation. Wouldn't you agree?
Why do you think you have done something wrong? You haven't. He is being a total dickhead. He is clearly a totally selfish, unpleasant, nasty person and you are clearly exhausted. That is why you are nearly in tears all the time.
You need to change things - starting with your dp.
What a shit. I would be apoplectic with rage by the time I had got home and would be waking him up to tell him so. How dare he risk your safety like that!
Are you in the UK? You may have more legal redress re the house than you think.
I've never wanted to marry, my parents marriage was a nightmare. I always thought a piece of paper wouldn't change anything.
Honestly and truthfully, I don't think he's having an affair. He's being an absolute arsewipe but hand on heart, I don't for one second suspect that.
I think its my fault because I seem to be the only thing he acts this way towards. I admit that I am gobby and fiesty, but that is me. He fell in love with those things but now he seems to want a quiet little wifey who is meek and mild and that's not me. So it must be me, mustn't it.
Let's break this down. All of the bolded make it clear he's checked out and wants it over.
I finished my shift, he wasn't there.
I called him, he said to start walking and he would meet me. I then called and text him numerous times, no answer.
I ended up walking all the way, 30 min walk at 4am in the morning.
He then threw a strop because I woke him up getting into bed.
I cried myself to sleep.
No, he woke me up lay in bed taking to his mate about golf.
He then proceeded to spend the morning sulking like I was in the wrong.
he doesn't ever say he will takeourdc so maybe I can have a morning shopping or get my hair cut.
I asked if he would like our children to be treated this way when they are parents?
His answer, I could f off if I didn't like it.
How much clearer can he make it? He's no longer interested in you and I'll bet he has a sidepiece on the go.
He doesn't want to come right out and end it. He wants you to do it, so he can say you ended it and split the family up.
Seek legal advice and see how much child support you'd get. You aren't married so nothing in regards to spousal maintenance.
In the meantime:
● Don't initiate conversation with him
● Be civil if he asks a question
● Fake your happiness by smiling
● Focus on you and DCs
● Get his mum or someone else to babysit and go out.
● Dress yourself up, slap on some make up and get out there
● Read self help books for confidence
Gain the strength to get out because, he's totally gone from this relationship.
In addition to all the above, you could simply tell him you've decided a split will be the best thing, as he clearly isn't happy and discuss your future living arrangements.
Sound very businesslike with no emotion and talk logistics.
Ah, I think it's a shame you aren't married. That little bit of paper changes quite a lot in the eyes of the law.
It does sound like you need some help you find your own self worth again. He won't respect you until you respect yourself. I'd be asking him to come to couples counselling and making a stand to address some issues. He needs to pull his weight. Xx
I think making you walk home like that is unforgivable.
I strongly suspect another woman, tbh, because it's such a sudden sea-change in him, from what you say. What did he do in those two hours? Is he really golfing still?
But even if not, getting out of the relationship looks like the best thing, as he's treating you appallingly and doesn't give a shit.
I strongly suspect another woman
Sorry - but me too!
Get to CAB and find out what you would be entitled to.
I could include housing benefits etc... as you aren't married.
Have a look on-line and see what child maintenance you would get.
How old are the kids?
First look into the posibility of a split and living separately.
Once you have all the facts you can then decide from there.
Don't do anything hasty.
Get to your GP you sound like you could be a bit depressed.
And who could blame you living like this.
Don't wait for him to offer you a break.
Tell him you have a hair appointment and you'll see him in 2 hours and just go.
You don't need his permission.
Do you have family who could help you out initially?
Start thinking practically and see what you can do and what is possible.
Maybe join a slimming club if you aren't happy with your weight.
You get out of the house and meet new people etc...
Dieting is very very hard whilst working night shifts but it is do-able.
I agree he is seeing someone else. That is very bad behaviour to expect you to walk alone..
If his behaviour has changed I would put money on him seeing another woman - or man.
Absolutely unforgivable to make you walk home, especially the 'start walking' to make you think he was going to pick you up at some point
It's not you, it's him, and yes, it does look like there may be someone else on the horizon - get some good legal advice asap
Jesus Christ, he's a fucking horrible bastard. Leave.
I hate him on your behalf! What did he say about not picking you up like he'd promised? My spidey senses are prickling about an OW. Can you do some snooping?
"I could fuck off if I didn't like it"
Well, that appears to be your answer. No concern for you, no desire to talk about things, no wish to make things better.
I think you only say things like that when you don't care what the outcome is.
There may be OW, but frankly even if there isn't you can't stay with a man who let's the mother of his kids walk home alone in the early hours, can you? Who tells you to fuck off if you don't toe his unreasonable line?
If he isn't shagging someone else I will show my arse on the town hall steps
To arrange to collect you, not turn up, tell you to start walking because he is on his way then go back to fucking bed leaving you to walk home at 4am - I am completely lost for words. That is so incredibly shitty, there is no way he has any respect for you to treat you like that.
Unfortunately AnyFucker I think the dignity of your arse is safe
Join the discussion
Please login first.