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Am surprised at my reaction!

(22 Posts)
Danceintherain2015 Tue 26-Jul-16 22:52:40

So this weekend some close friends got engaged - am really pleased for them but they are the 3rd set of friends who have been together less than DP and myself and am a bit surprised I feel a bit jealous !

DP and I are both divorced with 2 DCs each and I thought I wasn't interested in the whole engaged marriage thing again! And in fact I'm not it just seems our friends ( all 2nd marriages and together less time than we have been ) seem to be moving forwards .

I think that may be part of the issue - I feel we are in limbo - my divorce is all settled and sorted ( way back ) while his is not ( 5 years on) I know his is complicated but I think he is not proactive enough in both his divorce ( he is divorced but still paying for his house and way over for kids as is right ) but to the detriment of his own life - he still lives with his parents and has done since he separated ! I just feel he doesn't see any need for change. I can't see things changing anytime soon- he keeps saying next year things will be different but they don't seem to be !
I love him to bits btw !! He is a great boyfriend but is that all he will ever be ?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 26-Jul-16 23:46:42

He doesn't feel you are worth the effort of moving on for. Sorry.

Are you each the other's first post-divorce relationship?

Danceintherain2015 Tue 26-Jul-16 23:53:38

Do you think so ? I am struggling with that idea ! I think he was totally up for it at the start but now he seems to have gone cold on the idea

- I just wonder how proactive he is generally - he talks about a new job closer to me , sorting out his financial shit with ex , moving out of his parents - it doesn't happen ( we live an hour apart and his kids close to his parents so I get that he wanted to be close to them - ) but I sometime s feel we could Still be doing this in 20 years !!

Not first post divorce RL for either of us but first serious one ( have been together 3 years )

BarbaraRoberts Wed 27-Jul-16 07:17:55

I wouldn't assume it's about you and you not being worth the effort! It's more about him.
Some people are just better at getting in with things than others.
Talk to him if it bothers you. But if you were happy with the way things are don't change it to follow the crowd.

Danceintherain2015 Wed 27-Jul-16 11:55:01

That's what I feel Barabara I know he was hurt badly by his ExW- he tried to do the right thing by her and his DC- she is massively advantaged by their split and he has been disadvantaged from moving on with his life ! He will be able
To move in next year when their house will be sold but I m finding it hard that he isn't making plans now for what happens then and is burying his head in the sand somewhat by not sorting other stuff out now ! ( I think part of this is that for the 1st time for 5 years there is no conflict between them and he's enjoying the peace ! )
He is a great partner and I don't want to just end this as I know long term we can be happy together.

Danceintherain2015 Thu 28-Jul-16 09:59:10

Bump

adora1 Thu 28-Jul-16 15:35:41

Actions always speak louder than words OP, he's doing nothing to make himself free to marry you, that says it all, and, why is he living with his parents for god's sake.

adora1 Thu 28-Jul-16 15:36:48

And remember there is always two sides to every story, I bet she has a different view of him, especially if they are normally in conflict.

LemonBreeland Thu 28-Jul-16 15:40:22

I would not be wasting my time after 3 years of someone who couldn't be bothered to live with me. An hour is not that far.

Cabrinha Thu 28-Jul-16 16:12:29

What do you want him to do?
You say you don't want marriage.
He is divorced - he just hasn't sold the family home, I think?
I doubt his divorce settlement is that complicated at all. Anything can be sorted out where there's the will! Is he back and forth to court, or is he just happy not bothering?
If he's happy in his parents' house near his kids, and presumably has more private time staying with you, why would he change that?
It would make no sense to leave.

I don't think there's anything wrong with living at home (though it would never suit me! shock). And how much he spends supporting his children isn't your concern really, unless he's paying a huge and unnecessary amount that stops you moving in together, for example.

Sounds like you're feeling a lack of commitment otherwise? What do you actually want if it's not marriage? To live together? Because I don't see that high maintenance and living with parents is the main issue.

WannaBe Thu 28-Jul-16 16:20:13

You need to have a conversation about what it is you want for the future.

If there are a lot of finances tied up in the divorce settlement then I can see why it's taking time to resolve. If he's waiting for the sale of the FMH to go through then it makes sense for him to perhaps be living with parents rather than spending more on rent. It wouldn't be for me but I can understand why people do to keep costs down.

And if his divorce has been very acrimonious particularly around money then I can see why he e.g. Might not want to buy a house jointly again or go down the potential marriage route.

Also, to a PP who said that an hour is no distance, yes it is if you're moving away from your kids. If he currently has regular access to any children then I ing away would change that. No relationship would be important enough for me to do that, don't see why this should be different for a man.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 28-Jul-16 16:23:53

Other people's plans have made you think about what you actually want. Nothing wrong with that. You know need to decide then discuss with him while being prepared to walk away if he doesn't want the same.

RatherBeRiding Thu 28-Jul-16 16:28:51

Well - you need to ask him! It sounds as though the FMH isn't on the market and he is still paying the mortgage? Not sure why that should mean he can't move in with you in the meantime, unless he doesn't want to rock the boat with ex-wife prior to final financial settlement - which I can understand to a degree.

But you need to speak to him about it. Once sale of his house is finalised - ask him what he wants to do. Jointly buy a house with you closer to his DC? Move in with you and just suck up the hour's travel?

You think things are drifting and you are not happy. So have the conversation, difficult as it might be.

Dozer Thu 28-Jul-16 16:34:53

It doesn't sound like he sees making changes you would like as a priority for him, so in deciding what to do about the relationship you should assume he won't make those changes.

It is that laudable that he is paying for and living close to his DC, but also understandable if you don't want to continue a relationship.

Iflyaway Thu 28-Jul-16 18:59:13

Sounds like he's nicely set up, living with parents (share the bills), near his kids. I get that it suits him.

But I do find it strange that the divorce and final line drawn under the marriage is dragging on. 5 years?... But just depends on you really. How long are you willing to put up with it while waiting.

You don't say how old you both are or his parents (or I missed it) but another 5 years down the line they may need more and more taking care of.

One thing I would caution for though, don't measure your relationship to people who are jumping into second marriages they have an even higher failure rate I read somewhere

Better to be cautious. Only you know if it's worth hanging on or when you can say "o.k. this is not what I want. Enough".

Danceintherain2015 Fri 29-Jul-16 10:37:09

Thanks all for your comments !
His divorce settlement is complicated - he agreed to let his ex stay in the house for 5 years and he pays the mortgage in lieu of maintenance ! He also has some debts tied up which he has been paying off . His ex clearly doesn't want the status quo to change as she ( and her partner who was probably the OM) are essentially loving there for nothing ! This amounts to over half of his salary.

He also lives 1 and a half hours away from his work so when he's at mine this equates to 2 hours commuting each way every day ( hence ths looking for a job closer to me - even if it was in his home area) .
I sound like I'm making excuses for him now - it just seems to be that I have changed and we were both happy but all the engagements around me have made me rethink what I want . I also agree with the poster above about 2nd marriages and I don't want to make a mistake and that may also be why he's cautious about getting tangled up as he is still not untangles from his ex IYKWIM !!

Cabrinha Fri 29-Jul-16 10:56:21

Dancein sorry to be blunt, but that's not a complicated divorce situation at all.

Do you mean that this arrangement with the house / mortgage / maintenance has never been finally agreed and that's what is "complicated?"

Or that these are the terms of the Consent Order, it's all done and dusted and he's simply waiting for the 5 year trigger date? Because if so, that's really not complicated at all - it's an agreement you managed to describe in just 22 words!!!

It's more complicated if he didn't bother to do the agreement properly via Consent Order, but still only complicated if his XW is now trying to vary the terms.

It all seems very simple. He waits 5 years for the share of the house equity. During that time he stays with his parents. This year, that all ends. Simple.

What's complicated is deciding whether you want to move in together and if so where - why you're not the one moving to him, for example.

I left my XH in the FMH and gave him 9 years to repay me. I have a legal charge on the property and a Consent Order sealed by the court. Job done. No complication necessary.

Danceintherain2015 Fri 29-Jul-16 14:54:48

That's it exactly Cabrinha every time they get it sorted she changes it all and says he's agreed to stuff he hasn't !! They have had more mediation sessions than anyone I know ! It all seemed to be sorted 6 months ago and then she stops communicating to lawyers letters! So it drags on...and on.....
Next year the house goes on the market so I think she's just handbag on till then to finalise ! And as for consent order - it's never got that far !!!

Danceintherain2015 Fri 29-Jul-16 14:57:11

And I can't move closer to him as my children are just finally settled in school after their whole lives moving round ( countries as well as uk with my ExH ) and all my childcare support is here ! Whe. The kods are grown it's a definite option but not for another 5 years probably !

Cabrinha Fri 29-Jul-16 16:27:58

Just bear in mind that it isn't only her fault that after FIVE YEARS they don't have a Consent Order.
You do the mediation then you say "this is as far as mediation had taken us, this is my proposal, see you in court".
I don't think personality wise I'm suited to someone who wouldn't have that sorted by now blush

HandyWoman Fri 29-Jul-16 18:24:11

I'm with Cabrinha - personality wise I don't know whether I could still feel attracted to someone who just let things bumble along like that. I would just find the whole thing very tiring. The cost of all the lawyer letters must be huge and it ties him and his ex together. There's no right or wrong though, just a matter of your own limits.

Perhaps your are envious of those couples who may seem like they are in a position to commit to something, rather than feeling the need to tie the knot??

Danceintherain2015 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:03:26

I think that's the issue here *handy^ I have been thinking it will all get sorted soon but I think it's maybe due to his inability to move it forward! I also think it toes him to her and have said this more than once to him!
I KNOW it's not her fault they don't have a consent order Cabrinha I don't hold her responsible at all - I didn't mean it to sound that way ! I think they have both avoided closure for different reasons - to begin with I probably ignored it ( not my biusinees when we were first just dating ) then a s time has gone on I expected it to get sorted and it has been to do with £££ every time his Solicited sends another letter for her to ignore !! ( she had been getting Legal Aid and happy to reply till that ended - coincidence I think not!!)
I agree with mediation top - I have said it would have been better just to take it to court ( and probably cheaper !!)

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