No Social life- Starting to affect my mental health.

[Partiallycloudy]

Ok, I know there has prob been many a thread on this - but I am really struggling.
I have never had a massive social circle, i've always been on the fringe of friendship groups. for example when i was pregnant I joined NCT and our group all exchanged numbers etc and have met up occasionally - we have a messaging group....and all messages on that are about meet ups, general conversation etc. A few of the group all now go to the same baby groups - I joined the same groups but in a different location - My DS is oldest and I joined my group first - they all then joined another group. So they all now meet up there and socialise afterwards. - so i kind of feel left out and on the outside of things.

The above is just one example.

As soon as I had my DS, I joined multiple groups and I go to two fitness classes week - but i cannot seem to make that step to actually speak to anyone - even if i do i don't even know how to go from that to arranging to meet for coffee or anything!
I don't hear from work colleagues (having worked with them for over a decade) I am always the one to text them - even though 2 of them are on maternity leave at the same time....but meeting up is never suggested.
Now my DS is coming up 6 months old and I can't bare the days when I am on my own - even if i have a class or something that only takes an hour or so and then I come home and feel so isolated. I keep getting depressed and upset with DH because I am so lonely during day and I don't have anything to talk to him about. The friends I did have before getting pregnant I hardly hear from and they never mention doing anything or meeting up or even coming to see me. I just feel like i could drop of the face of the earth and hardly anyone would notice.

I did a group thing this morning for an hour or so then I was home by Lunch and all i can think is that it will be another 5.5 hours till DH is home and that will be the next person I speak to!

I am quite paranoid around people, i think they don't like me, i think they talk about me or are judging me.....which can lead me to overthinking what I wear when i go out, what i say to people....its all a horrible circle!!! And I don't know how to get out of it.

How do i get myself out of this, i feel so lonely and isolated and I cannot bear it.

[FetchezLaVache]

Hi Partially, I assume your other NCT friends joined a different group because they're in a different area- would it be practical for you to move to the same groups so you have a ready-made post-group social life?

You seem to prefer to wait for other people to make the move- why not just take the bull by the horns and suggest you and your work friends on ML meet up with the babies, or invite your pre-pregnancy friends over to meet DS? Maybe, like you, they're waiting for the other person to make the suggestion- but that way, nothing ever gets arranged!

And finally, if you feel you're starting to slide into depression, go and see your GP for a chat.

[muddypuddled]

I could have written this op. I have found a great app called mush where I have recently found some mummy friends. It's a bit like dating but for mums! I've found a great friend from there who lives just around the corner from me and has similar aged children to me. We started off chatting on the app and then met at the park with the kids. We now go to a couple of local groups together. It's nice because we both felt in the same boat as each other. Hope that helps.

[Partiallycloudy]

the other group is just in the next town over i guess, but its a bit of a pig for me to get too!....some of them actually live nearer to the one i go to and said they were gonna go to my one then didn't....i don't really want to change as been going since DS was 6 weeks old .
I do text work people and those on maternity leave but it is always me who texts first so i feel like if i suggested meeting up they would do it just to be polite rather then actually wanting to...ie they don't miss me.
al pre pregnancy friends have met my DS ....have asked to meet up they all have lives and can't always do things.they all had babies a few years before me so now have school aged children to look after.

[Partiallycloudy]

i did join Mush and i will be honest - i was too scared to message anyone. I did get someone message me though and we meet up occasionally and she has been a god send but sometimes things get in the way of meeting up - Its great when we do though.....but its a lot on her to solely rely on her for company and constant support. If that makes sense.

[KittyLane1]

6 years ago, I could have written your post OP!
It's bloody hard isn't it? I used to talk to the checkout ladies and shop workers just to have someone to talk to during the day.
Or I used to sit in cafes and just hope that someone would coo over DD so I could talk to them for 5 mins.
It's not a nice way to live.

I second trying to join the other group. Do you have a RL friend that you could open up to? Thing is, of I don't hear from someone I just assume that they are out or busy, I never assume someone is hoping I will text or call, so many explaining to a friend that you feel this way will nudge your friends to include you more.
What about DH? Does he take you out? Could you visit family more? A nice SIL or cousin?

[Sierra259]

I'm feeling almost exactly the same as you OP. My first mat leave was lonely but not too bad as we did meet up as an NCT group at least once a week and did groups together. I'm finding this one much tougher. I had a bigger age gap between DC's so missed the boat on second mat leave when everyone else was off. A couple of the group work FT and another couple moved away. I don't drive, so it's harder or impossible to travel to certain places with 2 in tow. And all our older ones do different days in nursery, so it's hard to coordinate.

I just always seem to be on the fringes of groups, people just don't seem to think about offering to meet up. And I'm wary of pestering too often. DC2 feeds to sleep so going out in the evenings is difficult. I was going to meet up with a friend yesterday (her DC are a bit older), but she asked to "postpone" on Sunday - she blatantly had a better offer. It made me feel like shit and I spent a lot of yesterday in tears.

Sorry, I seem to have hijacked your thread but it really resonated with me at the moment. My DH says I need to be more proactive at organising stuff, so that's what I'm going to try to do, rather than wait to be invited. I hope you feel better soon

[Partiallycloudy]

Appreciate everyone's comments and feel for all those in similar situations.

My DH is amazing, I had a bit of a break down last week after being rude and off with him, I eventually admitted I was so lonely. Bless him, he is so supportive.

My family don't live near me, I live near DHs family- but everyone works! DHs family also haven't helped the situation recently.... They come round to see Ds and it takes them 10 minutes to even acknowledge my presence.....it's like I've done my job and given them a grandchild so I'm no longer important.

It's very difficult as the more I feel isolated the less self worth I feel so it's like vicious cycle.

[whirlygirly]

Oh love, if you're anywhere near me (very sw) I'd happily meet up for a coffee. We moved 300 miles when I had dc1. I knew nobody. I forced myself to go to a different playgroup each day and chat to someone.
Then I joined a book group, got a job, did a couple of courses. Now I know loads of people. It was hard work as I'm naturally a bit shy but you'd never know that now.

[MabelFurball]

Are you near a Library? I have heard of sessions like Baby Rhyme Time run by libraries.

[Howtocatchastar]

Where are you based op? There seems to be lots of us in similar situations.

My friendship circle massively changed once I had my first child, but the advice about getting out there and meeting people/initiating meet ups is spot on.

[ivykaty44]

I looked after a friend's baby for a while and so I googled mums and toddler groups.

I just went along to any group that was on within a 3 mile radius each time I had him on a week day. That way he got an hour of playing and I could chat to the mums.

The it was not mums list of toddler groups - I think I had 35 to choose from in my area.

Could you do something like this each day to get out and chat to other people?

[ivykaty44]

Try meet ups Sewell for all sorts of groups, daytime and evening

[Partiallycloudy]

As I say I go to groups etc. I have something to go to 4 days out of 5. It's the talking to people and building a friendship from scratch I have issues with.
Baby sensory last week, I was sat looking at everyone else chatting away to each other but had no one to talk to myself....
I never know what to say, worry I will say the wrong thing,.... And how do you even take something from a chat to possibly meeting for coffee or something?? It's just seems to alien to me!

I'm in the south east, moved here from my home town a decade ago. Most of the friends I have here I have met through my DH.

[Jayfee]

Never be ashamed of feeling lonely...most if not all do from time to time. I identify with everything you describe. Why don't you contact Home Start...they have playgroups as well as experienced mums to help new mums.

[ivykaty44]

I usually try to ask people about themselves and add a compliment in to the mix.

So think Hsirdressers talk

Have you been coming g to this playgroup long? How old is your dc?

Where are you going on holiday? Have you been there before?

Thats a pretty top/ dress/ etc

Let them answer and see whether they ask anything. If they don't ask questions, could be they are shy, or nervous so don't make judgement quickly. If they start chatting then enjoy.

[Partiallycloudy]

Thank you all, I really appreciate your comments and time and its comforting to know I am not the only one who feels like this.

I'm gonna make more of an effort to push myself in to talking to people. I have the issue of being very self depreciating and think no one would really want to be my friend anyway.
I have been told on more the one occasion that i "look like a b*tch" or "Your face really doesn't match your personality" so i think everyone else must think the same so find it hard to relax. But I desperately need to sort myself out, I spent my teen years on my own and feel like i missed out on alot of life and I don't want to look back in 10-15 years and think "why didn't i just do something about it!"

Its sad there seems to be so many of us in the same situation, suppose it just takes one of us to make a move and chat to someone else - All the women sitting there chatting away may very well be feeling the same as i do.
Thanks all xxx

[Joysmum]

I am quite paranoid around people, i think they don't like me, i think they talk about me or are judging me.....which can lead me to overthinking what I wear when i go out, what i say to people....its all a horrible circle!!! And I don't know how to get out of it

I feel for you. I'm not great in groups, far better in gathering of less than 4, and even four people I know well is a bit uncomfortable.

Trouble is, if you feel the way you do then this leeches out in to your body language and could be interpreted by others as you being standoffish and not wanting to do anything more than pass pleasantries but not be social of form friendships.

The way I have got round this is to socialise in 2's or 3's and getting to know people and sharing how uncomfortable I feel in larger groups so they have a better understanding of me.

As time has gone on, individuals in the smaller groups have introduced me to others they know so I can actually draw on a number of people to see, but not all in one go and these groups don't tend to know each other either.

[Gruach]

This may be completely wrong - but could you not look at it from a different angle. To me you seem - with a DH, child and numerous groups - to spend an enormous amount of time with other people but to feel dissatisfied when you're on your own?

Obviously everyone wants at least a few good friends - but my impression is that a large proportion of the world spends considerably less time thinking about what other people might be doing elsewhere without them. As individuals we are all capable of amusing and entertaining ourselves - reading, listening to music, going to a gallery/cinema/theatre, swimming, running, learning something new ... The time alone is just as valuable.

So, is there any way you could work towards enjoying your own company more?

[Partiallycloudy]

with my own company i am fine....I can wile away many an hour watching boxsets, reading etc As I say I spent my teen years alone so summer holidays were spent home on my own.
I think the issue now is, i come home from a group, etc and I struggle to entertain DS. SO if I'm out he is being entertained by me being out - being at classes- being at the park etc but at home I have no idea what to do with him! ---is that a horrid thing to say?Am I a terrible mum??
Fair enough i let him entertain himself while i do housework, washing, cooking etc --- all while i can see him obviously but when I'm not doing those things i just don't know how to entertain him.
Feel so awful even admitting this.

[Partiallycloudy]

I didn't mean to put a line through thAt middle part. Not sure how that happened!

[Jayfee]

I can't imagine what sort of person says you look like a b...?? There are all sorts of people. I like kind and funny people.
Your personality in some ways sounds like mine, but there are lots like us. A question for you..if you are walking down a corridor and somene bumps into you, what do you usually do??

[Partiallycloudy]

I apologise, but that's a British thing though isn't it?

[Jayfee]

No apparently it is a personality trait. I nearly always do but now sometimes mutter after saying sorry "why the hell did i apologise. They barged into me,'. It seems to indicate that you take blame whereas some people do the opposite. So some of us take it all in and on ourselves, whereas others push it all out. I'm not sure if there are people in the middle! I think it means you are sensitive which is a good thing for others but can be a problem for you. By you, I mean loads of us. I tend to over worry and analyse things and this has made me a successful sensitive teacher, but can cause other problems. So for example I come away from a gathering and think did i say the right thing to someone. If I ask my husband he will probably say they won't even remember etc.
With such a small baby could you try inviting another mum for coffee?? Most mums like to get out. I met most mums either from my street or at playgroup. I tried to do something everyday. I always remember the saying some people will be friends of convenience and some friends of the soul. Good luck

[Partiallycloudy]

Oh I see, I do do my best to be overly polite.

Today I posted an invite to coffee to a group of people I see, but not usually socially. No takers yet but hey I asked!

I've also arranged a day out with another group..... So I've made the effort atleast

[Jayfee]

Well done you!