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An argument on finances can't agree help!!

(66 Posts)
Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 09:58:59

Hi guys, please bear with.. I appreciate all opinions and really need some input help.
My DF moved in a good few of months ago. I'm pregnant with his child and have three children from a previous relationship.

My ex is a useless shit who doesn't provide a dime for his children. He is on benefits so I can't claim CSA. He does see them once a fortnight. He will have a few extra days in the holidays too. He has always been an arsehole so I can't force him to do something he won't. He sees his children because that is their choice and I know access and money are two separate issues and I don't argue that. He can see them when he wants.. He chooses minimum.

My current partner hates the situation and says I should force him to pay. If anyone could tell me how I would appreciate it. Apart from the my children see my partner as a second dad and he sees and treats them as his own. From disaplining to buying clothes for them. The only problem their is he do does moan that its us doing all the providing while their father doesn't. I get his reasoning but this is a daily argument and he doesn't understand he will never change.

Now we both work.
Me part time my partner full time.
I used to work full time and then childcare became and issue and I had to drop my hours.
Unfortunately now I'm pregnant and have become very ill with a heart condition. It's quite serious and I've had to give up work. Atm I'm on sick leave and then I'll go onto maternity but the doctors tell me I'm probably not going to be able to return.

So that means my wage will have gone completely and only my partner will be able to work.

This far finances have gone like this.
I pay all the bills, rent and food out of my wage a family tax credits.
He pays sky and all the fun bits.

Unfortunately because I can't work anymore the only income I will have is family tax credits and I can't afford to pay all the bills and food out of that.

My partner has said he won't be having a joint bank account and he shouldn't have to pay the bills is their father doesn't. If anything his contribution should be 1/5 of the household because as it stands that is all he is using.
He says ill have to use family tax credits because that's what it's for (I agree) because he isn't working to provide for the family on his own.
Now I understand how he feels.. but I can't have him living here and me struggling to make ends meet if he is willing to put his pride down.
If he wasn't living here I would have to claim a sickness income because of my illness.
I would have help until I'm able to work again and I wouldn't need to struggle. Is everyone following lol?
If I had a choice I would be working full time I've worked all my life and I live that sense of freedom it gives me. But I can’t support four children and a partner on no income.
Now he has said once his child is here he will contribute more. But whats that 2/6 of the family?

I rent a council house so rent isn't expensive.. buy all the other stuff on tope is.
I have explained to him that if he moves out he will have to rent his own 2 bedroom place for him and his unborn child as well as I have to and that will be at least 500 out of his wage gone already.
So he does have it to easy here..
He did agree he said yes I know I will... He then went on saying but I've bought the washer and cooker and things for the baby etc. (I too have bought household items, wardrobes etc and things for the baby) He said he has invested in the house so why should he be the one to move out.

I said we'll because I'm paying for the actual house and the four children that live in it. He doesn't quite understand what my point is. Yet I completely get his.
His answer to that was pay me back for everything I have bought and I will leave, I can't start again with no help.
He is being totally unreasonable and we are supposed to be getting married and having a baby!
Please someone do you have any experience or input? I'm at a loss!!

Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:02:36

I'd like to apologise for all my typo mistakes.. There is quite a few jeez. . I really should proof read!

Missgraeme Tue 26-Jul-16 10:09:16

He is missing the whole point that u are a family now and he is responsible for everyone in it!! Whether the dead best ex pays his kids share or not they need fed and clothed! U are now child care provider which is still a massive contribution if not a financial one it's still allowing your family to function well. He needs to pay up and shut the f### up or like u day f### off and live elsewhere! My husband supports my kids while their def dead beat dad neither sees them or supports them financially. He does it with a good heart. If your man hasn't got a heart (?) maybe it's time to make alternative long term plans.

DoinItFine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:16:31

He needs to leave.

There really is no other choice.

You and your 3 children are poorer for having him in your home.

So he needs to move out.

You picked another loser.

Inertia Tue 26-Jul-16 10:18:45

Postpone the wedding for a start...this one isn't good for your family, he is only after what he can get.

mouldycheesefan Tue 26-Jul-16 10:19:48

Did your dr really say you will never work again, even in a different job? That would be highly unusual.

Strange situation this new man knew that previous man pays nothing and was happy to have another child with you despite that,yet now doesn't want to be sole provider. I get that but it's a bit late now, time to sort out financials was before you decided to have a baby together.

Unfortunately you seem to have poor luck in partners/dads for your kids.
Hope your heart condition improves in future and your choices in men!

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:21:04

It sounds likes you need to split as you both have entirely different views. You believe he should pay for everything for himself, his child as well as you and three unrelated children to him. He believes that the parents of those children should financially contribute.

He has every right to not want to be the sole earner and likewise you have every right to find somebody that does.

Yout don't sound very compatible or the relationship very stable so a split now is the likely solution.

mouldycheesefan Tue 26-Jul-16 10:22:22

How long have you been with new partner you don't seem to know eachother very well

Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:27:54

Mouldy- The doctors mean for a while, maybe take a couple years out. I have recently suffered a heart attack.. things are pretty serious. I don't plan on being out of work for life. I plan on returning to full fitness and returning.
Seems I seem to choose shitty men, maybe I should look into that. We didn't decide this baby, my contraceptive coil failed me.

But I love this baby more than the world already. Best accident to happen. Circumstances could be different yes. But that's life..

Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:29:30

2 and a half years

sleepyMe12 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:33:27

Get rid of him, this is only going to get a lot worse once the baby is here.
Who is named in the tenancy?

Isetan Tue 26-Jul-16 10:34:49

If he really saw them as his own, contributing to their welfare wouldn't be an issue. It was fine when you were essentially subsidising him but now the shoe is on the other foot, he ain't so keen.

I have to agree with the others, you've traded in one arsehole for another. I know it's no consolation but being dependent on arsewipe is no way to live and better he showed his true colours now. The fact that he thinks that a single adult male should stay put while a pregnant woman and three kids should move out, says it all. It wouldn't surprise me if he ends up behaving very much like the Ex he moans about.

Don't waste your time trying to reason with a selfish and entitled twat.

HerOtherHalf Tue 26-Jul-16 10:36:38

He's an arse and you're better of without him because arses don't change.

Let me put it from my own experience and perspective. When I met my wife she had 5 kids from her first marriage. I was (and still am) deeply in love with her and saw no reasonable approach other than to love, care for and provide for her children as if they were my own, though not to the extent of ever making them feel they had to choose between me and their natural father. She and the kids are a package deal, and a beautiful one at that, end of story. My priorities are the kids first, her second and me last. That will never change.

If your partner genuinely loved and cared for you he would instinctively love and care for the most precious people in your life, your kids. He would take real pleasure in providing for them, making your family unit a success and making you secure and happy as a result. His behaviour is completely at odds with that. He is selfish, he is using you, he sees the children as an irritating inconvenience and he uses your ex as an excuse for his own unreasonable behaviour. How by any stretch of the imagination can you think he is a positive factor in your or your childrens' lives?

Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:37:06

Dragon can I ask where in my post did I expect him to pay for everything? Atm I use the the tax credit to feed the whole family. He eats that. I use my wage to pay all the bills he lives here. As far as living expenses he pay nothing. Apart from sky. I don't use that.
So he Is living here free.
I have to quit my job, I have know choice I have a serious illness are you unitentionally suggesting that me and my children including his unborn child should suffer because I've fallen ill?
him living here is taken into account as a family income by the government.
If he wasn't living here I could support myself just fine.
And build my career back up after a couple of years.
Some of us aren't as lucky as to live a illness free lifestyle.
If he moved out his wage would be eaten up by rent so he would be better off here regardless.
I'm also not his mother.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:51:29

You do expect him to pay if he stays though. From your point of view he should do just that when he becomes the only earner in the household.

From his, he was up front in saying that he saw the relationship as casual and that he never intended paying for your children. It doesn't look like he misled you in that respect.

It got complicated when the dating relationship hit a bump with an unplanned child, health issues, money issues etc. If the relationship was solid and of longer length, there likely wouldn't be an issue but it was very clear that you both saw things very differently and are too incompatible.

Where did anybody say you have to suffer for being ill?

You are both adults, free to make your own choices and decisions. Given you both want entirely different things, it sounds like there is no compromise.

mouldycheesefan Tue 26-Jul-16 10:51:38

What do you want to happen op?
You stay together, he refuses to pay for your three kids.
You stay together, he changes his mind and pays for them.
You split.
They are the options. Marriage should certainly not be an option.

Repeatedly Having babies with financially irresponsible idiots will not help your health situation it sounds very stressful and presumably Drs have told you to avoid stress. 💐. Hope your health improves in future 💐

QuiteLikely5 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:58:59

He resents paying for your children. His argument re getting your ex to pay is an unintelligent one because as you know he isn't going to pay. why your partner can't quite understand that baffles me

Your partner should be paying you house keeping money now, a contribution towards rent, utilities and food.

I'm sorry but I really think that the road ahead for you does not look very smooth.

The very fact he lives with you will alter your entitlement to so many benefits once your maternity pay stops but I guess you have told him this.

DoinItFine Tue 26-Jul-16 11:01:30

Your clue that you had another sponger on your hands was in the fact that he moved in with a single mother with 3 children and contributed zero to cover his own living costs.

No reasonable or decent person would accept child tax credits being used to subsidise the living costs of an able-bodied adult with a job.

That money is given to you to pay for your children, yet you just gave it to him.

You need to start putting your kids first. Not your boyfriend.

Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:19:49

Dragon of course I expect him to pay. This is his home any normal adult would be there way. You are basically saying him paying nothing bow because I have children is reasonable.

Also like I have said he is refusing to leave. How is that casual. I have told him I don't expect him to pay that is his right and his choice. But i can't afford to support another adult in the household as well as my children if he isn't willing to contribute. Is that not reasonable?

Mouldy- i haven't book a wedding and I don't plan to while he isn't willing to take the vows seriously. I appreciate everything you are saying. The only thing I find a little rude is you saying I shouldn't be having children with financially irresponsible idiots. I love all my children and have supported them just fine so far. It's my health that I am out of control of that has knocked me back. I can't control a failed coil either. The previous relationship was quite abusive I won't go into detail but it left me scared and being a single parent or three children wasn't my intentions. But it happened. I am going for a hysterectomy after this child so I actually have been sensible and it's unfair for anyone to judge that from afar.

I suppose I was looking of ways of dealing with someone who thinks I owe him because he has bought a few household items. He refuses to move and says he shouldn't be homeless.

llhj Tue 26-Jul-16 11:20:49

Why do women like you keep choosing losers? It baffles me. He's a cocklodger. Get rid. Get sterilised. You now have four kids to support yourself and 2 sets of deadbeat dads to contend with. You have a serious health condition that could end up with your children motherless to be frank. Clearly this man does not want to accept responsibility for your children (typically) or his own (also fairly typical from the many stories on here. )
Focus on your health and children and throw him out so you can claim full benefits.

Babyblueeyes92 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:22:09

Also if he saw the relationship as casual he should never have gotten into a relationship with a woman with children. Moved into their home and not payed his way. That makes him an arse not a adult with a different perspective

Farfromtheusual Tue 26-Jul-16 11:22:16

I can't believe he refuses to pay for rent and bills etc - that is just ridiculous. If you didnt have 3 other kids or they lived with their dad, surely he would be paying 50/50 to live there anyway so I don't see what his issue is? The father of your kids shouldn't have to pay half of your rent and bills just because his kids live there, as you would pay the same amount to live there alone - he should pay you x amount to cover things like clothes, food, childcare, other stuff that kids needs. But your OH should be paying more than he does towards bills other than just the sky hmm and your ex should be paying some sort of financial contribution towards his kids. Though I know it's difficult and like you say you cannot force him.

I would tell OH if he isn't going to pay to live there then he needs to move out as it isn't fair. Regardless of what he has bought for the house.

Sooverthis Tue 26-Jul-16 11:25:02

Your problem is that he's living there free, he should be paying half of all bills regardless of the new baby and should never have moved in if this wasn't the deal. He needs to move out and don't let him back til he sees this.

Xmasbaby11 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:26:45

Another one saying throw him out and claim benefits. I can't see much option really unless dp is prepared to pay his share.

I'm sorry you're ill. Do you have to have a hysterectomy? Make sure you have support lined up as you will need it while recovering with 4 kids. I guess you will need to wait at least a year after the birth anyway.

Just5minswithDacre Tue 26-Jul-16 11:27:29

Also if he saw the relationship as casual he should never have gotten into a relationship with a woman with children. Moved into their home and not payed his way. That makes him an arse not a adult with a different perspective

THIS!

Bin him OP, you're too savvy for this shit.

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