'D'H behaving badly

[giraffescantdance123]

First time posting and don't know where to start. I think writing things down might help me, so please bear with me.

Married 7 years, 3 beautiful teenagers from my first marriage plus DD5 together. Older children always been a source of tension as H has found it difficult to step-parent them - their dad sees them regularly and is actively involved in their upbringing.

H is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. I think he may have narcissistic traits (read a lot about this, much of his behaviour fits), I don't use any of those terms lightly.

I told him we needed to separate nearly 18 months ago, am divorcing him for his Unreasonable Behaviour (amongst other things his constantly accusing me of having affairs which I am not and have not). Decree Nisi 4 months ago. Gone through mediation, against better judgement, and finances are almost agreed but need small changes so I can afford to house 4 children. I cannot afford to move out and rent so am stuck here until house is sold. He is refusing to move out as he 'has done nothing wrong', I'm the controlling one, I've turned my children against him etc. All the usual stuff I've read on here from people in similar situations. I cannot bear to sleep next to him so I have a choice of sofa, camp bed or eldest daughter's bed - being around this situation (and him) is affecting her health so is spending a lot of time at her dad's.

I am pretty convinced he is having an affair now. New clothes, new hairstyle, lots of drinks after work, going out and coming home after midnight, secretive with his phone. Textbook stuff, and all things that he didn't do before. We haven't been out as a family for a long time now, he takes DD out for days out. There have now been two occasions when 'daddy's friend' has happened to turn up for these days out, yesterday's was a 200 mile round trip for her to just turn up unexpectedly. He must think I'm stupid. And DD must be so confused.

He is of course denying that anything is going on, she's just a friend - although he phoned her at midnight after last week's outing, I could hear through the bedroom wall, talking as he used to talk to me when we first got together, calling her the pet name that was mine, laughing about me refusing to do his laundry any more, sharing cosy stories about our daughter.

I am logging all this with my solicitor of course, I just don't understand how he can behave like this to me and think it's ok. It's really not ok and the longer it drags on the more damaging it is to everyone. Why can't he see this?

If you're still reading, thank you. I needed to put all this into words. Not sure what I'm asking really, other than This isn't ok is it?

[Hotwaterbottle1]

I think it is ok (re the "affair"). You are separated, almost divorced & have been for 18 months. I don't see the problem.

Obviously I don't condone his behaviour though, any of it, including taking your DD to see the ow so soon.

[pippistrelle]

From his point of view, you're divorcing him, his pride and ego are dented, it's important to him to demonstrate - to you as well as himself - his ongoing desirability.

At this stage, it's not so much an affair as 'moving on'. Of course, given your living arrangements, it's far from ideal and there's probably an element of punishing you. But, essentially, it's not really your business any more.

I hope you can resolve the housing issue soon so that you can start to move on too.

[attsca]

All while he's involved with someone else, it makes your life easier in a way. Just grit your teeth and get through it, you'll be free soon and he'll be some other poor woman's problem.

[MeMySonAndl]

I think it is a matter of hanging on there until the divorce is sorted.

If your Ilder DD feel better staying with dad until this pass, so be it. Whatever causes the less damage is the way to go.

The affair.... Well, it is very inconsiderate of him to rub it in you nose, but if it helps to get the things moving more quickly (and helps you to de-programme yourself about thinking of his needs) so be it.

The only suggestion I have is to stop logging incidents with your solicitor. There's no point and a waste of money. Keeping a record in a notebook will do, just make sure you are factual and concise when logging incidents in it.

[MeMySonAndl]

Liider=older

[giraffescantdance123]

Thanks for your replies. I've spent several years now putting up with the emotional abuse, the accusations, belittling, pestering for sex, all of that. I've lately been wishing he would have an affair because at least then he'd have to leave. But it seems he can just deny it and carry on under my nose. I agree there's an element of dented ego and punishment going on. What I can't accept is the way our daughter is being involved - it's wrong.

[PotteringAlong]

How can it be an affair when you're all but divorced?

[neonrainbow]

Its not an affair and this woman is not the ow.

[Ebony69]

Agreed. This is not an affair. I'm not sure how you can suggest it is. However, he should not be introducing her to your children yet. This is insensitive.

[BeenAroundTheWorld]

I see it as disrespectful moving on after abusing you for years while you're living together.

Why don't you just move on, go out and meet new people? Nothing stopping you.

No point in holding on to bad meet. This living arrangement are temporary. Keep telling yourself that.
The other woman is laughing now. But if I were you I'd feel sorry for her. She will only endure what you did.

[Morasssassafras]

Stop thinking of him as H or 'D'H, he is your STBXH (soon to be ex husband). You've been divorcing him for the last 18 months so obviously you wouldn't be sleeping next to him. You should have worked out a permanent solution to where you sleep until the house is sold and you can both physically move on.

He's not having an affair, he's moving on to the next person emotionally. Should he be honest about that? Yes obviously, but as you've said he's abusive that is never going to happen.

I agree with a pp about stopping logging stuff with your solicitor. You're wasting your money. Keep a journal if you must.

Disengage with him as much as you can. No cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Live as separately as you can whilst sharing a house. You know he's abusive and controlling and he will continue to do that. Disengage, or grey rock, as much as possible.

I hope the divorce is finalised soon so you can move on

[BeenAroundTheWorld]

On meat

[BeenAroundTheWorld]

Yes! Stop cooking his meals..stop doing his dirty laundry! Let him wash his dirty briefs!

[jaffacake2]

No it isn't ok but the way he is behaving shows his personality and is why you are now in the process of divorce. He is unkind and you know that you cannot change the way he is reacting. He probably does have another woman as all he will consider is his own needs. You are dealing with the children and trying to help them go through this change in their lives but he is focussing on himself.
I know this is painful for you as I had the same situation. My ex husband stayed in the family home whilst divorce being finalised and I slept on the sofa. He would openly talk about his girlfriend and how he was taking her on dates to all of our past favourite restraunts and pubs. The solicitor advised me that I couldn't change the locks.
You will survive this horrible time and move on to a better life without him. At moment try to see him for the man he really is and not who you once fell in love with. Take care of yourself and the children .

[giraffescantdance123]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I am divorcing him because of his controlling behaviour over the years. I started divorce proceedings (nearly a year ago) because he would not accept that it was over, that we should separate, that one of us should move out (I cannot afford to, he can).

He is now obstructing the final stages of the divorce by not agreeing the finances and is still refusing to move out. Behaving the way he is now, is trying to have his cake and eat it. In a very cruel way.

By the way, I didn't mean that I am logging details of his 'affair' with my solicitor. If he wants to move on that's his business, and doing it under my nose as punishment is just how he is - which is why I'm divorcing him. But involving a 5 year old in the way he is, that's just wrong and he needs to stop.

I know that I have to just get through this and that things will get better. I thought posting on here would help me as I don't have much support in real life. I don't think it is, actually, so I might just carry on writing stuff in a notebook as before.

Again, thanks for replies.

[Isetan]

Op you can not stop him from being an arsehole and it's not that he doesn't see he's being an arsehole, it's just that he doesn't care. You also can't stop him from introducing his gf but what you can do, is prepare/ support your children if he does.

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

[SandyY2K]

He'll soon be someone else's problem. That's the best way to look at it. He can laugh as much as he likes about you not doing his laundry, he's the only fool in all this.

He's not sensible enough to keep his girlfriend away until everything is final. Unfortunately people like him don't think about how this affects their children.

Does your DD5 know that you'll be splitting up?

[giraffescantdance123]

No she doesn't know. We told the older three in May because of the atmosphere in the house, so they just want to get on with things now. And the school year from September is major exams for all of them so this needs to end soon. Can't tell youngest until there is a firm plan of where we'll be, where daddy will be etc. He genuinely doesn't see what his actions have done/are doing to all the children he claims to care about.

[Chris1234567890]

Im sorry OP, but it does appear the controlling element is coming from your side not his. You wanted to control/instigate the divorce. You want to control the financial settlement. You want to control who he can and cannot now see. And now as you appear to be losing control of those areas, youve brought your DD into the mix in that hes the one whose now causing her damage? Youve instigated all of this.

If you had serious concerns about your childrens well being living with this man you would have removed yourself, and them, a long time ago.

What did you expect him to do? Did you want him to accept your divorce request and quietly move out to a single blokes hostel leaving you and your children to live in peace in the family home, financially supported? You cannot treat divorce as cutting of a little inconvenient wart (XH) leaving all the other comfortable bits in place.

My advice. Stop obsessing over what and who he is talking to. Try to arrange independant living as best you can whilst in the same home. Get yourself some outside interests, easy to arrange whilst you both live there to share childcare, and if you can manage to swallow some of your own pride, you may find that you both can start to get on far better now than you have for the last couple of years.
What he now does is absolutely none of your business.

If you really cant do that, then you should seriously consider finding somewhere else to live. I cant imagine what it must be like living with an angry, obsessing soon to be ex wife, and 3 step teenagers who of course will be totally sympathetic to their mum. Id also guess that ex husband number 1, doesnt thank soon to be ex husband number 2 for housing his children all these years? From your posts, my sympathies are with your STBXH.

[giraffescantdance123]

I have not brought my DD into this. He has.

Silly me for not wanting to live in an emotionally abusive, toxic relationship, and for wanting my children to recognise that it is not how marriage should be.

But thank you for your input - I feel so much better now.

[WSPU]

Sorry OP, you're getting a really hard time here. Yes, he's not having an affair and of course can engage in a new relationship. But I agree that he should arrange the introductions of DC to new partner more carefully as this might well be hard for a young child to understand. It might hurt you a bit, but you do need to get through it.

But, why won't he move out? How are you being controlling if he won't leave? You all need to be able to get on with your own lives and refusing to leave is selfish, entitled behaviour on his part, especially as he can afford to. He sounds awful.

I'm sorry you're going through it, but it will pass.

[SandyY2K]

Chris

youve brought your DD into the mix in that hes the one whose now causing her damage? Youve instigated all of this.

I disagree with the above.

The issue is he shouldn't be introducing his 'friend' to their DD at the moment.

OP

Like I said, I don't see this as an affair at all. You've filed for D and aren't living as husband and wife any more. He can see who he likes, as I would in his position.

The mistake was staying with him as long as you did, but you'll soon be done with it.

Just remember you have to coparent with him for many years to come, so try and maintain a civil relationship for that reason.

He should keep his girlfriend to himself for now. There's nothing wrong with you going out on dates now either. It's just a matter of time before its final.

OP - is the house owned by both of you?

[FantasticButtocks]

He is the one bringing youngest dd into this, not OP! Because he is introducing his DD to his new girlfriend before dd has been told her parents have split up! He is still living with that Child's mother and hasn't explained the 'separated' arrangement to her. I'm not sure why people are being aggressive and unpleasant to OP, who is getting rid of an abuser ffs.

[Cary2012]

Think you are getting treated too harshly by some on here OP. It must be an awful home life for you. Has there been any interest in the house sale? Do you have any idea of how long you have to stay in this situation?.There has to be a mature discussion between the pair of you for this living situation to be tolerable . He shouldn't be laughing about the mother of his DD with his girlfriend, that's disrespectful. He should treat you with respect, and you should distance yourself from him, you instigated, quite rightly from your first post, the split, so you need to examine why you are so being so bothered about whether he is involved with someone else. Issue as I see it is he's moved on emotionally, and you feel unable to do the same because he's still living in the family home. Nightmare situation for anyone. Talk to him calmly about some ground rules. And sort a rota for the bed, not right that you are on the sofa. As always, the kids come first, so mutual respect is the basis for you both to get through this, for the kids sake.