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Told DH who had affair I need space

(21 Posts)
LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 00:42:58

DH has had affair, I found out actual truth just over 4 weeks ago after 4 months of betrayal, lies and trickle truths. We're meant to be working slowly towards being a couple/family but I'm constantly left dissatisfied by his idea of the way forward which is is getting on, which we do, but not dragging it up, which I know is wrong. I'd rather we stopped talking but he may say something or alarm bells ring and it's inevitable, but it's not as if they're long convos in any case.

Anyway, today I've told him it would be a good idea to have a break from seeing each other, and a bit of space to think. I'm really quite pleased with this because he won't be stopping over and if he wants to visit the children, I'm going to go out, this is a new step for me in a bid to try and establish some kind of detachment from him, having said that when he wanted space which I tried to give him, he texted OW constantly. I'm much better when he's not around than when he's here because there are so many emotions when I see him - love/disappointment. I really hope I'm doing the right thing.

BusyHomemaker Mon 25-Jul-16 01:01:32

Didn't want to read and run. Haven't got much advice but I think you've done the right thing. You need some space to process what your husband has done and determine how you want to proceed. I think it's a wise move.

Lillygolightly Mon 25-Jul-16 02:03:12

Yes it's a wise move, just asking for space doesn't have to spell the end if that's not what you want. All you are doing is taking time out from him so that you can process your feelings and emotions and work out what you want. It's very important to do this otherwise your at risk of sweeping things under the carpet which while at the time seems easier it does come back to bite you in the arse down the road. I can understand of wanting normality and wanting to return to how things were and wishing it never happened, but it did happen and you both need to deal with it.

If you have worries that making him give you space will mean him being in contact with the OW then I would say that's a normal concern given you've been betrayed and had your trust broken. However if he does actually contact the OW then for me it would be curtains.

Even if you take space and he behaves perfectly you may still find his betrayal unforgivable and that's ok too! However taking space can give you both much perspective, it allows him to see what he risked and what he stands to loose and it acts and a consequence to his actions. For you it will give you time to focus on yourself and your feelings and really think about life without him in it and also life with him if you think you could forgive.

Making the choice to forgive is one thing, being able to move past the betrayal is something else and sometimes despite wanting to you can't do both.

Take some time work out how you feel, think about what you want to do and listen to your gut instincts. You don't have to forgive him and that's totally fine and you definitely deserve better. If you want to forgive him and try to move forward and save your relationship that's fine too! Just because you choose to forgive doesn't mean your a doormat! Far from it actually forgiving is often the hardest option.

Whatever you do and whatever you decide is fine, just make sure it's what YOU want.

rumred Mon 25-Jul-16 06:22:30

Good for you, taking back some control. There's books around to help and loads of threads here with good solid advice on how to handle the vile situation you're in. Do your close friends and family know? real life support is helpful

LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 06:34:18

A couple of close friends know and my mum, but to be honest, as supportive as they are, they're also obviously biased and opinionated and so I find it easier to talk to a handful of people who don't know him.

I'm so disappointed in him, I really am. There are really good days when I'm happy and don't think about things and I'm positive we can work it out but then there are other days when I'm still ok, but can't see myself being with him after he's tarnished what we had, especially as his actions don't show remorse even if what he's said does. I feel as though staying with him will end up being more of a compromise on my part which I'll end up resenting and ultimately feeling very short changed. I love him so very much. Again, I'm so disappointed in him sad

ravenmum Mon 25-Jul-16 06:43:59

when he wanted space which I tried to give him, he texted OW constantly
Was this before you found put about her or after?

LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 06:56:49

It was 3 months ago when I found out she'd got in touch with him after 20 years, they'd met and kissed..... I know, he's an arse angry

LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 07:03:30

To be honest, as much as I'd feel the pain if he did get back in touch with her etc etc at least my decision would be easy, because he will never be coming back if they've had any contact whatsoever. He's going to a concert this Friday, originally fee her and him, he's going with his friend who he goes to all concerts to. Obviously alarm bells are ringing. This is what prompted me to saying I need space. I will be check with her DH to see she's not gone anywhere that day/night. If she hasn't then it would look like he's sticking to NC, but if she's gone along to join them......

rumred Mon 25-Jul-16 09:20:15

Is he actively working on himself and making amends to you? He should be crawling on his belly to win you back

ravenmum Mon 25-Jul-16 10:56:26

So a few months ago you discovered they'd met and kissed, and when you confronted him, he said he needed space - then four weeks ago you found out that he'd spent his "space" time continuing the affair?

After the second discovery, did he actively say he was going to stop the affair? Did he actively say he wanted to change, and become an honest, faithful partner? Was he sorry he'd had the affair? Did he take the blame for his behaviour?

NickiFury Mon 25-Jul-16 11:00:09

You know they didn't just kiss right?

You're 100% doing the right thing, the only thing. Personally I would dump him forever. I've been cheated on and giving more chances only extended the heartache.

ravenmum Mon 25-Jul-16 11:01:33

Hold on, this is the one who has to think about a weekend with you, isn't it? Doesn't sound like he is actively doing anything much... does any of the effort come from him or does he just agree to things, or dither?

SandyY2K Mon 25-Jul-16 12:49:21

I think the space is a good idea.

I'm not sure that you're getting remorse from him either. Wanting to not speak about it isn't what a WS should do. He's thinking about himself with that thinking and not about you.

I'm not suggesting it's discussed 24/7, but you're experiencing triggers that he's not sensitive to.

From what you said before, he ended the affair, but it doesn't come across that he did it purely out of love for you, as opposed to:

● Not wanting a divorce
● The shame
● Financial aspect
● The kids

He wants to just sweep it under the rug and you act like it never happened.

The thing is he could be doing everything right now, but the damage is already done. The trust is gone and the feeling of disappointment will be there for a very very long time.

A clued up sensitive WS, would not be going to the concert, knowing it's something he planned with her and that it would be a trigger for you.

Since he came back, what has he actually been doing, not saying, to make you feel safe, secure and loved and that he's with you because he loves you and wants to be with you., not because of other reasons like the hassle of divorce.

If his heart isn't in it, which may well be the case, I'm sure you'd like to know that.

LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 16:48:16

He isn't doing anything actively to sort this out. He's offered his phone to me and he switched Find my iPhone on so I can know his whereabouts if I was at all suspicious. Not something I plan to abuse but it gives me a smidgen of trust if I was to doubt him. Other than that, he's done nothing.

I wasn't happy he said he's going to the concert and he's stopping over. He's going with his usual concert buddy. He offered not to go but I couldn't be arsed with the sulks I'd possibly get, it was probably an empty promise in any case. He's said I can ring him and his mate at any time, I can check his location etc. It doesn't prove that she's not meeting him there, even though it would be a 3 hour journey for her. I do have her DH to speak to if I doubted it.

Since I told him we needed a break from seeing each other yesterday, he's rung me twice at work today, about things he could've text me about. He also asked me how I'd slept - he slept very badly apparently, and he asked me if I was ok after he'd left yesterday. I was fine. Ho hum. So very disappointed he's messed up our lives together and don't think I can forgive the betrayal at all. I feel like I'll compromise my feelings if he was to come back and then I wouldn't be happy.

LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 16:49:30

Oh yes and NC, he's doing that. I believe him but I wait to be proven wrong by him in this case. Not yet though X

RaspberryOverload Mon 25-Jul-16 20:10:29

He's not exactly giving you space if he's still trying to contact you when you've asked for space, is he?

The only impression I get here is that he's trying to sweep it under the carpet.

Shizzlestix Mon 25-Jul-16 20:16:09

I think you need to ask him to not phone if you've asked for space. He's now panicked and guilty where you seem to be the calm composed one. Let him sweat and don't answer the phone (unless he has the DC, of course)

SandyY2K Mon 25-Jul-16 20:58:02

If he really wanted to try and help with this, he'd do much more than what he's doing. He's doing the bare minimum because he thinks everything will blow over in a while and it will all be back to normal.

Too many people fail to think about the consequences when they have affairs. They don't realise the absolute devastation it causes and they never think they'll get caught.

Then many think even if he/she catches me, she'll forgive because she loves me so much.

LippyLiz Mon 25-Jul-16 21:31:13

Oh yes, he's definitely doing the bare minimum, that's him and he will be thinking (not hoping) it'll all blow over but I'm getting stronger and I'm not going to let him back that easily, if at all. I need to feel that true fight from him, but I doubt that'll come and even if it did, I don't know which way I'd go. For now though, I'm pleased I've said I need a break/space which means no more sleeping over and tonight I've booked a holiday in the sun for me and our daughters. We fly in 3 weeks smile

rumred Mon 25-Jul-16 22:07:55

Liz that's fantastic. You go girl

SandyY2K Mon 25-Jul-16 23:57:32

Way to go Liz. The holiday will be a great break.

Your strength will get you through this. If he was truly remorseful, then you could decide if reconciliation is possible. However, it doesn't seem that way and you deserve better than that.

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