Anyone else struggle with ex's lack of interest in DC?

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Hello MN
I have spent the last 3 years raising my gorgeous Dd. Her dad lives locally & every bit of contact is instigated by me. When we first split he was much better at seeing her more & interested in photos I emailed etc but since younger GF without kids came along 18 months ago he normally ignores any updates/photos/logistics texts re contact. He sees DD on his days off when it suits him & takes her up to Scotland to see his family twice a year when he wants to be golden boy, but rarely has her overnight.
I'm posting this for two reasons. A) to rant & B) does anyone else have an ex who behaves like this? I just still can't believe how much he doesn't seem to give a monkeys about this wonderful 4 year old.
His gf & work take priority (his words) - it's very sad.
Is this normal?

[Cluesue]

From my experience I'd say yes,I only know a scarce few men who are pulling their fair share post divorce/split.my father never bothered with us after my parents divorce and we were 18,14,12 and 6.my oldest dds(10) father disappeared as soon as the blue line appeared never to be seen since and dd2s(4)dad only sees her when he can be bothered,which in the last 6 months has amounted to about 72hrs

[Ednamoda]

Sadly you are not alone. The world is full of selfish men and women. The only way to maintain your sanity is to accept it and move on. It's really tough but it's the only way. The man is clearly beyond thinking past his own personal happiness. It baffles me. It is entirely his loss. You have the joy of having your child and all the happiness that will bring. Forget the father. He's a waste of air space and a very poor excuse for a human being. And no! It's not bloody normal. There's plenty of decent men out there. Be very picky with the next one.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Sadly it is fairly common

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Sadly it is fairly common

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Thanks both
My dad wasn't great & I think I'm trying to ensure Dd doesn't get the same inconsistency as me as I think it's contributed to my issues with trusting men... But I'm close to just saying fuckit.
His loss totally

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Yes hermoine. So sad isn't it..

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Hermione even

[FiveFullFathoms]

Unfortunately, you're not alone. Doesn't mean it's ok though. My ex is very much out of sight, out of mind. He usually sees the DCs EOW but if their visits clash with his hobby his hobby wins and he takes the kids to his mum's or asks me to have them for an extra weekend. He never texts or phones them during the week even if he knows they've got something important on (like the first day of primary school!) He has never once attended a parents evening or school play. He's a bit useless really. It's rubbish isn't it?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Oops, phone said it hadn't posted!

It's awful. My ex has kids he doesn't see even though he lives down the road. He also lied and said two of them weren't his

Of course his ex's are all evil and lie and stop him seeing his kids. In reality he just doesn't care enough.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Yep he's one of those who can't be arsed. His loss. I tried to encourage contact esp with DS, but got fed up of family days being ruined for DDs and me when ex-H didn't turn up to take DS out and DS wanted to wait for him as he was sure daddy would come soon. I took a firmer stand with all and eventually contact petered out. DCs are grown up with own kids now and don't bother with their father.

[nothingtoadd]

Similar here. It's awful. Sees them eow but anything more is seen as a massive deal including holidays.

I hold such a rage inside me that is doing me no favours.

I need to get over it and accept that my dc have an awesome stepdad, and that their dad is just a babysitter.

No plays, parents evening, school events here either.

[reader77]

Same here.

Ignores them both. sent him ds's school report. No repossessed.

Shitbag.

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

I hold such a rage inside me that is doing me no favours

Nothingtoadd, I hear you on this!
It's so annoying - I try to be all cool about it but it's so crap.
And his family all think he's this amazing 'hands on' dad just because he plonks selfies of them both on Facebook and took her to peppa pig world

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

So crap about the zero response to all your children's big events/school reports/plays etc. DD isn't at school yet but wd think ex will probably do the same based on his current lack of interest in anything that isn't directly linked to making money, his gf or looking at himself in the mirror

[WibblyWobblyJellyHead]

DD is 12, hasn't seen her 'father' for ten years.

He pays maintenance now but it's taken years, and for ages it was £2.50 a week.

She hasn't missed out, DH has been her Daddy since she was three and most people don't even realise we're a 'blended' family.

[nothingtoadd]

And another thing that pisses me off is other people thinking he's great as he has them eow. So bloody what.

2x 48hrs a month? It's bloody nothing. No toenail cutting, no haircuts, table manners, school uniform struggles. Nothing.

I could do anything for 48hrs.

He was always known as the good dad. Now it's just morphed into a farce.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

It's awful. I don't understand how they can just up and abandon their kids.

[nothingtoadd]

My ex does enough not to fall into the 'abandon' category but you know what? I wish he would just bugger off.

I have tried so hard to encourage a good relationship yadayada but for what? He has just enough contact to be annoying but not enough to be useful.

I honestly wish he'd just fuck off altogether now. I never thought I'd say that.

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

Nothingtoadd: I could have written your post myself.

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

My exH has no contact with our child. He saw him on an adhoc when I nagged him intensely basis when we first split, but there has been no contact since February 2014, 6 months after we split.
I felt an all or nothing approach was better and told him he's either in or out long term and cannot pop in and out as it suits him as its not fair on our child.

[Marmalade85]

Men are no better than dogs

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

-He has just enough contact to be annoying but not enough to be useful

Another Nothingtoadd quote I can resonate with 100%

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Marmalade, I disagree.
I have a dog. He is much better in many ways than most of the men I have been involved with. Fact.

[CannotEvenDeal]

I have learnt to accept it unfortunately.... I have the reverse situation in that my husband's ex wife doesn't want to know their son and signed him over to us to focus on her new child-free marriage. I tried to initiate contact but it was useless, she doesn't care and my husband and I can't make her I love that boy to pieces and he has a lot of loving family on my side and my husband's side which is fortunate but still...

[Mrscaindingle]

Nothingtoadd were you married to my ex?

I went against my own advice recently and sent ex an email asking him to rethink having DS2 only for the day instead of the weekend for the next few visits as his new baby will be on the scene. DS2 is 12 and this is going to affect him for the rest of his life. He was also wanting him to get the train by himself (an hours and a half away)

My ex's response was to suggest counselling for my issues

Twat.