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Do you ever feel like you don't recognise your life?

(44 Posts)
ShoddyDuchess Sat 23-Jul-16 19:16:10

Not sure if that thread title makes sense to others but it is very much how I feel sometimes. I feel like I step back, almost "out of body" and don't recognise the life I'm living or the marriage I'm in as mine...it seems so wrong for me and so different from what I'd envisaged for myself.

My husband is EA and occasionally violent. I've posted in the past, I have "almost" got out several times but never actually made it all the way. I feel like I'm watching myself sometimes and I'm fully aware that I am an absolute stereotype. There must be a reason or an excuse but I can't figure out what it is!

The latest in my saga is that I have put H in a bad mood (knew it was going to flip soon as he's been really nice lately - he usually becomes almost too nice and then flips). Because he's in a bad mood he has shown me messages he's been receiving / sending with a very pretty woman (made sure to show me the pic). He showed me so that he could impress upon me how he protects our marriage, but got annoyed when I mentioned that in all the messages he didn't mention he's married, in fact he just flirted back and even asked if she was going to a local cafe one evening...apparently I'm stupid because I can't see how him showing me the messages means he's a fantastic husband. He mentioned that she's ok with being a second wife (we are from different cultures and religions) - this is the point where I went "out of body" I think. How have I ended up in a life where it's apparently normal and ok for my husband to even utter the phrase "second wife"?? I didn't get angry or anything, tbh at this point I don't really care. He also told me he will teach me a lesson about control (I had accused him of being controlling). I am a successful, professional woman and I am being told I'll be taught a lesson by my husband FFS. Jesus.

I feel like this marriage is poison but he won't end it peacefully and I'll live this weird non life until I die. I'm too afraid to end it and I will not leave the home which is mine. When things are ok I can pretend that I'm happy, but days like this I just feel my whole life is a depressing sham.

He also hates my family (each one of them has in his eyes "insulted" him in some way - to be fair some things he has experienced are true, others are just him finding insult where none is intended). I don't really have any friends as whenever we go out with people he spends so much time talking about himself and just moaning, I don't really want to try and have friends anymore.

Sorry, massive post with no real point. I just don't know how I got here and wish I could wake up tomorrow and be in the life I imagined I would live.

thestamp Sat 23-Jul-16 19:23:06

I do know what you mean.

You can leave you know. The house doesn't matter. It just doesn't.

I know you're afraid but you don't have to live like this.

Fluffinator Sat 23-Jul-16 19:34:56

Hi Shoddy- this is very sad to read. The only time I have had the feeling of detachment you describe was when I was in a very difficult situation at work when I couldn't see the way out. Eventually I had a break down and had to get medical help. My GP explained the detachment feelings as related to stress/ anxiety/ depression. I was also a 'strong' person in a very good position of responsibility. I fought the idea for a while and eventually began to accept with the help of a good counsellor that my work situation was not doing me any good. The counsellor helped me to realise this move on to find another option. Almost as soon as I made the decision to move jobs I felt better. This all happened over a period of 6 months, so it took time. Now I look balc and know I was depressed, going through the motions but couldn't see a way out so just kept going. It was like being in 'automatic' mode.
I hope you don't think I am going off on a tangent and just talking about me, me, me here! I am hoping to help you to understand the feeing of detachment. I am not a psychologist do can't explain the whys and what's of this experience. I am sure some of the very wise MNers will be able to help you if this is indeed what is going on with you.
Apart from that, your life with your husband sounds like a very unhappy place. As PP said- you really don't have to stay and put up with this. I think exploring your present situation and options open to you with a counsellor would be good for you.
Take care

joanna345 Sat 23-Jul-16 19:38:34

I know what you mean also. When things are ok, you can convince yourself that it is in fact ok, but when it all goes tits up, you realise that you've been trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear all along.

I don't know what the answer is. Could you possibly see a solicitor to see what your rights would be financially if you were to leave? The house isn't everything. It's actually a bit of a trap. You could be happy somewhere else. Somewhere cheaper, smaller, whatever. It would just take a bit of adjustment, but the human race is nothing if not adaptable, and you are too. Surely it's better to be living happily in a caravan, than unhappily in a mansion? Surely?

smilingeyes11 Sat 23-Jul-16 20:12:35

please leave - how could being alone be worse than a violent abuser who taunts other women under your nose.

Do you have DC? Will you call Women's Aid for help?

ShoddyDuchess Sat 23-Jul-16 21:30:28

No kids, no. I don't know how to get out, I'm afraid. I can't leave the house as I'm paying the mortgage so couldn't afford anywhere else anyway. I want him to go back to his home country but he won't, I'll always be afraid here if he's around even if he did leave which isn't going to happen. I feel so trapped

Spangletine Sat 23-Jul-16 21:30:57

Get out. You can. Call women's aid. You only live once, & it sounds like you're not. You're existing. But you can live again.

Spangletine Sat 23-Jul-16 21:32:09

Women's aid can help to house you safely & support you to move forward. You CAN. Lots do.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:38:16

You poor woman. There are all sorts of things you can do to escape this man.

You can go to a solicitor who can apply for an emergency court order banning him from the home

You can call WA for advice

You can call your local DV police team who have heard your story a thousand times over and can explain your options

Can he not afford the mortgage if you leave?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:40:06

If you are married though the home is not yours it is both of yours according to the law and not worth hanging onto an abusive marriage for

ShoddyDuchess Sat 23-Jul-16 21:46:13

Thanks, I will call WA on Monday.

He couldn't afford the mortgage and anyway it's solely in my name, I used my own savings for the deposit and everything in the house and pay the mortgage and all the bills (long story).

The problem is (and again I know I am being a stereotype and parroting the script), he has nowhere to go, genuinely, and as well as that worrying me I think it would make him even more furious.

I told him to leave a few weeks ago and he came back the next day and it was horrific, genuinely scary. I think it drives home even more to him all the things he's unhappy about to do with work situation, money etc. He has an obsession with me thinking I wear the trousers because I'm leading financially, that's why he's kicked off today (last night I got annoyed and said it was my house, this hugely sets him off). I don't want to make him homeless but equally I am sick of this life. He's just said some evil things just now and I'm disgusted by it all. I just want to run away

ShoddyDuchess Sat 23-Jul-16 21:48:31

But what would I actually do? I can't just stop paying the mortgage and I can't afford to pay it but rent or buy somewhere else as well. I only bought it recently so can't even sell really as haven't built up any equity, I'd be buggered financially and could probably never buy another place again (took about 15 years to save the deposit!)

Spangletine Sat 23-Jul-16 22:03:44

Get advice on the house - speak to WA - plenty of people get help & support when they have mortgages

QuiteLikely5 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:04:02

There are laws against emotional abuse now and there are ways and means to have him banned from coming anywhere near you but you would need to speak to the relevant agencies

Do not worry about this mans accomodation- he certainly doesn't give a hoot about you, he is downright abusive and he is grinding you down because he cannot handle you being a success

Please start detaching, he won't change, I actually feel sorry for his second wife - or indeed any woman who would be involved with such an abusive twisted individual.

You are worth more than this
You deserve love and respect
You deserve happiness

You can do it

Just be safe

QuiteLikely5 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:06:27

There are officers who are specifically trained in DV, they won't do anything to put you at risk - they will keep you safe.

Karlakitten1 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:41:55

The detachment you have can happen to help you block out something really awful...such as abuse. I had it with really severe anxiety and stress, I often felt it was looking through someone elses eyes, or like my life was on a screen. Very odd feeling. I think you have a lot to sort out; please don't let him do this to you, I know it's hard but is there a way out? It will be so hard early on, but is there anyone who could support you whilst you get yourself sorted. Or maybe speak to him and tell him what he is doing to you and that if he feels he has to teach you a lesson.

You should keep your house, but set some conditions for him staying, if he refuses tell him he must leave.

You deserve so much better and shouldn't have to feel like this...you can be in control, he obviously gets a thrill from doing what he does, take back control. flowers

Karlakitten1 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:43:09

Meant to put that he needs help!

QuiteLikely5 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:44:27

If he is violent you should be very careful. I would not tell him you want him out. Take advice from the appropriate agencies.

If he does happen to assault you again it is an opportunity to have him removed and ask that his bail conditions prevent him from coming near or contacting you

LucyLocketLostIt Sat 23-Jul-16 22:58:33

I know the feeling you describe. I had it once when I was in massive shock and denial. I felt like I was in an alternate reality.

Call women's aid. Your life doesn't have to be like this.

Jayfee Sat 23-Jul-16 23:30:04

You must,must get help and advice. You are a good person, he is not. He won't change. It is vital you get help. Occasionally violent sounds like you are fearful and the police will take that very seriously. We all make mistakes. Yours was marrying him.
You cannot live with this all you life.

As the mortgage is in your name and you paid everything, hopefully he has no rights. With advice, I would consider changing the locks and telling him its over and if possible getting a restraining order. You need good advice though because we need to keep you safe. It won't be easy and if possible get your family to support you. Lots of good advice here and all our thoughts are with you.

ravenmum Sun 24-Jul-16 07:45:33

Could you rent out your house? Neighbours put theirs up for rent via EBay and got lots of offers.

Or rent out a room to someone during the week for example?

Jayfee Sun 24-Jul-16 09:29:17

Could you cme back to this thread once a day so we can keep an eye on you....I would like to know how things are for you.

mortgagefreesoon5 Sun 24-Jul-16 13:50:04

Good advice above,contact women's aid, keep copies of all important paperwork in a safe place, delete your searches on the internet. etc don't put up with him, he clearly hates women. You are too good for him.
Start building a support network. Would your family by supportive if/ when you decide to walk out?

Destinysdaughter Sun 24-Jul-16 14:45:13

OP Here's some information about how to apply for an injunction. You don't have to live like this!

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/

mortgagefreesoon5 Sun 24-Jul-16 15:10:54

Please make sure you delete your searched history, he sounds like he could get very violent

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