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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I get involved with a married man?

75 replies

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:36

So I've been single for what seems forever.
I met a guy and we get on well have been speaking for a couple of weeks and had two dates.
He says honesty is the best policy and tells me he his married but they separated 5 months ago.
He told me that she said she made a mistake marrying him and it was over.
He moved back up north and is now living with his parents.
She was his childhood sweetheart and were together 10 years.
I do like him but no feelings involved yet but I enjoy his company.
I don't want to get hurt,what do I do?

OP posts:

Report

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:37

He is 27

OP posts:

Tenpastlate · 23/07/2016 10:44

Walk away.

YorkieDorkie · 23/07/2016 10:47

Not while he's married, that is monumentally stupid of him and you. Once he's single then what's stopping you?

Longlost10 · 23/07/2016 10:49

ask his wife

thedogstinks · 23/07/2016 10:50

Walk away? Why? He's young, and he's not otherwise committed to anyone.

Blimey, if I'd married my boyfriend at 17 I'd have been in his shoes at 27!

Accept that he probably won't want to seriously commit though, so if you're going to fall for him hard, then exercise caution.

Children complicates things though. Does he have any?

Chimchar · 23/07/2016 10:51

So he is still married, but not living or having any kind of relationship with his wife?

OneEpisode · 23/07/2016 10:52

Separated is single? But that phrase "honesty is the best policy" and only telling you 2 dates in does ring alarm bells,,

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:54

He said he didn't want to let it get further down the line and me find out and think he wasn't being honest.
I just think 10 years and a marriage is a lot to get over in 5 months.
I don't want to be a rebound.

OP posts:

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:55

No he doesn't have any children.

OP posts:

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:55

No she lives in Yorkshire and he is back living and working in Newcastle with his parents.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2016 10:57

If he's separated then what's the problem?

OneEpisode · 23/07/2016 10:58

So date. You have different histories and may expect different things I a relationship, but that's what dating a for?

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:58

I'm worried that 5 months isn't long enough to get over 10 years and he still will love her.

OP posts:

Chimchar · 23/07/2016 10:59

Maybe he's telling you now because he's not over it, or maybe he's saying he wants to take things slowly?
I would approach with caution, but I don't see why you shouldn't have another date...

What is your gut instinct saying?

TheUnsullied · 23/07/2016 11:02

When you ask yourself "should I date a married bloke" is your answer "yeah, that sounds like a great idea"?

Be very cautious about 'separated' men. That's how I ended up with a married man. This was years ago now. He's still with his wife now, just as he was then. He'd been staying with a friend because he and his wife were having issues and needed space but they were definitely together.

DoubleCarrick · 23/07/2016 11:02

I "got over" my relationship with my ex very quickly. We were together 9 years but it was dead in the water for about 4. I hardly looked back after he left

bookwormish · 23/07/2016 11:06

He's seeing you, but married. Of course he's going to say they're separated. Like a previous poster suggests, ask his wife.

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 11:07

My gut instinct with every man is don't get involved.
After lots of heartache I haven't even looked at a man in over a year.
I'm not properly over a ex either but need to be over him.

OP posts:

milpool · 23/07/2016 11:08

If he's separated then he's single. If he's telling the truth what's the problem?

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 11:08

He added me to his Facebook where he has brother and parents etc and it all adds up that he separated in February.
I did check back through posts.

OP posts:

TheUnsullied · 23/07/2016 11:14

I still wouldn't. Not without divorce papers. I was on the married man's Facebook too. But I'm not the gushy type to make a relationship obvious on there and neither was his wife. We even got a tenancy together. For all intents and purposes he looked single. The friend he was living with before we moved in together was on board with the charade too. I learned that lesson the hard way.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 23/07/2016 11:24

Well, he's told you and he's added you to FB. Both good. See how he posts to/about you.

It's, unfortunately, not uncommon for siblings/parents to 'stay out of it' if someone is having an affair whilst working/living apart for a time, so it's not a guarantee that's he's above board.

Can you see HER FB page? Does it indicate that SHE thinks she's single?

However, even if you ascertain that he's now genuinely single, it doesn't alter the fact that you 'don't want to be a rebound'. There are no guarantees in life! You take your chances whether they've been single 5 mins or 5 years. If you aren't ready for that risk, then you shouldn't be 'dating' yet, give it more time.

'Dating'. Feels like such an old fashioned word 😁

Does he still love her? Probably. Will he always love her? Probably. But it doesn't matter, it's separate from what he can feel about someone else, in the very same way you can love your Mum & your Dad, loving one doesn't take away from the other.

It's only an issue if he's still 'in love' with her, but only time will tell.

If you are still 'not over' your ex, then are you being fair on him? If you think it's ok to 'date' him to get over your ex, why isn't it ok for him to 'date' you to get over his ex?

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MrBoot · 23/07/2016 11:29

I know someone who was in exactly the same position. Man married for a short time to girlfriend of seven years. Girl said she made a mistake getting married. Guy actively dated for a few months, met someone else. Together a couple of years, divorce came through, still together now nine years later with three children together.

I honestly can't see why people are saying walk away.

BigBarry · 23/07/2016 11:32

I would be careful if I was him because once things start progressing and you get to THAT stage he will be committing adultery. If his wife knows that she would be able to use that as a reason to divirce and because it was his act she will be looked upon favourably.

If I was in your shoes i would advise to enjoy the dating side of it and get to know him but mention you feel uncomfortable for anything to progress while he is currently married. They may only be on a break whether they know it or not and you do not want to be in the middle of that

MadisonMontgomery · 23/07/2016 11:46

It's not a definite walk away, but I'd be taking it very very carefully until he's actually divorced.

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