In-laws, her very recent pregnancy, should I do anything?

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Just help me think through this one - probably worrying too much!

DP is (just) pregnant and we're very excited, though obviously we know there's a lot of risk up to three months. Both sets of parents knew we were planning and now know she's had a positive test - there were reasons for this. I know many people would say we could simply not have told them, but they would probably have guessed as they see a lot of us.

DP thought her mum would be thrilled - she's always said she wanted more grandchildren. DP's mid-30s and never talked about wanting children before, so her mum was quite surprised and initially questioned us quite a bit. She still seems mostly surprised. If pushed to talk about grandchildren, she will say how she really hopes to see a lot of this one, with plenty of overnights, as she missed out on that with her first grandchild, DP's nephew. And she will talk about her views on things like weaning and so on. So that's positive.

What bothers me is, DP - who is not a worrier at all - has asked me a few times if I think her mum seems excited, and I honestly can't say she does. She's asked her mum a couple of times in my hearing, if she's happy and if she's excited. Her mum says yes, but drops the subject immediately. I realised this morning that, although we told her mum we'd had a positive test when we saw her a few days back, DP hasn't actually spoken to her dad. She said she'd ring him, but she hasn't. She was also surprised her mum hadn't mentioned anything to her sister.

I can see there could be loads of reasons - it's early, her mum may be worried about miscarriage (though there's no family history); she may just be still adjusting to the idea, etc. etc. But I'm beginning to feel worried for my DP as she's not a needy type, but clearly could do with some more overt encouragement from her mum. I think telling her so soon was partly done because she wanted that encouragement, too.

Would you say anything?

[Gizlotsmum]

No. It is very early days. If they are still the same after the first scan then maybe? Why doesn't your partner tell her sister? Maybe her parents don't feel it is their place, especially with it being so early.

[Gazelda]

I wouldn't say anything. To be honest, DP's mum seems quite interested (certainly more than my parents were).

Maybe she's taking the lead from your DP - not bringing up the subject unless DP does first. Maybe she's wary of becoming overbearing? Maybe she has superstitions about not getting too caught up until 12 weeks?

She probably didn't tell DP's sister because it wasn't her news to tell. Likewise DP's DF. And maybe because she knows you've not told those two, she thinks it's all a bit hush-hush at the moment hence her perceived lack of excitement?

[MiddleClassProblem]

It is possible that mil doesn't want to get overexcited just yet, she's shown she's keen to be in the bumps life. Also not telling sis is a sign of the same. She probably feels it's either not her place or that you may not want her told in early days otherwise you would have told her to tell or tell yourselves.

Many of us go a bit different during pregnancy which our needs and sensitivity. Maybe have a day where you spoil DP a bit. Go somewhere nice together on a day trip or something.

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Thanks all!

giz - she did tell her sister, but she expected her mum would, too. I'd also expect my mum to leave it to me to break news, but I think her family don't do that so much.

I can completely see why she might be not saying anything, of course. I was trying to get across in my OP that I can completely understand that. What's difficult is that DP is making it fairly clear from the way she's acting, that she could do with a bit of encouragement. I'm worried about her worrying, if you see what I mean.

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Cross post.

middle, we're off away later this week. So yes, will do that. Just hate seeing her asking if I think her mum's excited, as it's so unlike her to look for reassurance.

[MiddleClassProblem]

All you can do is be a supportive dp. Hopefully in a couple of months she'll know how mil feels. My dm told me (I already knew too) "I'm not really a baby person so I might not be all gushy in the beginning" throughout my pregnancy. When DD came along she was all over her and demanding photos daily

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Aw, that's lovely about your mum.

[BadToTheBone]

Early days are pretty boring TBH, nothing happens, so although you feel consumed with the news at the moment it'll wear off and become a bit of an anticlimax. When your do starts to show things become more exciting but not a lot, lol

When the baby is actually here, that's when everyone else is excited.

[Gazelda]

Has your DP joined any ante-natal groups/forum? She might find that encouraging/supportive.
And, if my DO's reaction to my pregnancy is anything to go by, make sure you listen when she's talking about the pregnancy, birth etc. Make sure you know what to expect, maybe read a book aimed at partners of pregnant women. I bought one for my DP but he wouldn't read it. This made me feel he wasn't interested, whereas he was actually terrified and burying his head in the sand!
I think the best thing you can do is help your DP find other sources of encouragement and gently try to build her confidence so she isn't reliant on others.

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Oh, it's exciting enough, bad!

gaz - no, she hasn't, and that makes good sense, thank you. I think at the moment, I probably know a bit more about pregnancy/ birth than she does, and I'm sure she knows I am interested and keen, but I take your point about building confidence. I guess everyone at this point feels a bit 'eek! I need my mum!'