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Do I end our marriage or keep trying - or try harder?

(17 Posts)
Olbersparadox Thu 21-Jul-16 00:45:13

We have two kids 5 and 2 years old. There are many issues. Neither of us are perfect.
DH seems to have lost interest in me for a long time. There's no affection. We used to hold hands and be generally are affectionate towards each other outdoors and at home.
We only have sex if I initiate it. No matter how many times we have discussed this he never ever initiates sex. Always me - but apparently that's how he likes it - despite what I like.

He still makes a small effort for birthdays, anniversaries and christmas. Not that we can't afford it - nothing ever like having a romantic meal somewhere special, or a weekend somewhere nice (unless I plan it of course).

I feel so unsatisfied in the relationship. If we have time off work, unless I plan anything, he's just happy staying at home doing nothing. He refuses counselling because he doesn't want to speak to a stranger.

He makes excuses about why we can't be together, usually because he was doing ABC with our DD, or our DD needs this or that. Sometimes I just feel like the joy has been sucked out of me. If I do something special like make a nice meal for us and some relatives - he will find something negative to say.
He's always nit picking and finding faults or making fun out of me and not in a nice way.

Today for example I have had an awful one at work and immediately called him when I finished. Instead of comforting me because I am sad and in tears, he more or less told me to get over it, it's your fault. I already know it was my fault, I am just hoping my husband would just give me a cuddle and tell me it will be fine.

He won't apologise for anything. If he's rude or horrible, then I get upset by his behaviour, he will get angry because, how dare I get mad at him. Then it's just a cycle. It's one of the most frustrating things.
Today I just feel like I need to take my kids and move on. I grew up without a dad and I don't want that for my kids, but I feel like I have had enough.

I am always the one to try and make up and patch thing up. He never approaches me for anything if we've had a fight. Am I wrong? This time I just feel like leaving it as is and moving on. We have another home where I can stay with the kids. It will be tough but I think I will feel free - maybe sad for a little while but definitely free in a way because I feel like I would rather be alone that married without the support/ love.

We talk a lot about our relationship, he always says he loves me and doesn't want us to be apart. But I feel like he is just comfortable with the way things are, and has said before that he thinks I would never leave. He doesn't try.

In my mind I want things to work but I also feel like maybe it's time to just cut ties and move on. Any advice? Should I move out with the children and leave the ball in his court?
Should we both try harder? i.e. counselling weekly? any other ideas?

AprilSkies44 Thu 21-Jul-16 00:58:45

what do you WANT to do ....and have you told him how you feel?

Opentooffers Thu 21-Jul-16 01:03:41

It sounds like a miserable existence for you. Clearly he thinks he can get away with any kind of poor behaviour and you will still stick around.
Call his bluff, if it makes you feel like you want to give him every chance possible still, tell him he's got x amount of time to put some effort in or you will be gone, and mean it. You have to carry this out if its just the same old story. Good you have somewhere to go, sounds like you have already thought ahead a bit. Personally, I'd just give him 24 hours to buck his ideas up, (if you can be out that quick and have your ducks in a row). Sounds like you have given it long enough already, so mean it, if there's no improvement after you've gone, well there never was any hope of it.

Olbersparadox Thu 21-Jul-16 01:08:29

I obviously would like to try - maybe even counselling BUT he doesn't want that. He doesn't even want to use self help books.
I guess deep down inside I think maybe if I leave he will think twice and come to his senses.
He has said before that I would never leave him and that he knows sometimes he takes me for granted.

I adjust fed up of fighting and feeling unloved. I feel he loves me - like a sister, but not in love with me.

I'm thinking of taking the kids and moving to our apartment for now. And if he wants things to work he can make the move. Somehow I also feel like once I have left I might not want to go back.

Olbersparadox Thu 21-Jul-16 01:12:50

I need to sort childcare because I will be alone. I have given him time to sort himself out but he never tries - he just carries on like nothing ever happened. He also over-commits to his job. We always play second fiddle.
I feel like I should just go and see if he sorts himself out.
Or try harder and encourage him to come for counselling with me so we can fix things?

hazeimcgee Thu 21-Jul-16 01:14:54

I'd tell him you need time out. Can the kids still get to school etc from the apartment? Otherwise you need to talk about who goes where.

I would give both of you space and time. Say he can call / see DC anytime but don't get drawn into long chats and false promises. Give yourself time to see if you miss him / he misses you.

Being alone is not worse than being lonely

Olbersparadox Thu 21-Jul-16 01:20:04

I actually feel very very lonely. Apartment is near my job - its very far from home - about 2.5 hours. I stay there part of the week.
New school, new nursery (this is not a bad idea in itself).

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 21-Jul-16 01:22:09

Should we both try harder? Um, well, that isn't actually an option is it? His only offer is that he doesn't try at all and you try harder to suck it up and not complain too much about him not trying.

You are clinging to a dead thing. You dream of hugging a warm living thing, while scrunching your eyes tightly shut to avoid looking at the cold dead thing you are actually gripping that is dragging you down down down.

Isetan Thu 21-Jul-16 04:36:37

How are you planning to try harder on your own? He's made it very clear that he prefers the status quo. I do not know if separation would motivate his arse but if it didn't, then you'd have a answer.

JellyBean31 Thu 21-Jul-16 08:49:48

I could've written your post 2 years ago (apart from the sex bit which he wanted constantly but I didn't cos he was such an arse the rest of the time). I left, I'm much happier.

I used to go into work on a Monday when everyone was discussing their weekends and I'd have done nothing, cos he never wanted to do anything. So I told him I'd start doing things alone (just going to events that were on in our city) and I did, then he wasn't happy about not being included.... Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh

Anyway there were loads more issues with my marriage but I totally get how you feel. He doesn't expect you to leave, he will be shocked, he will try everything to get you back, he will promise to change and he probably will for a while. But only you know if you are prepared to give him one more (one more) chance. I'd run out of chances I the end but it took me a long long time to reach that point and has left me regretting a lot of wasted years.

I think as you have somewhere to go with relatively little planning, you should do it. It might be the kick up the arse he needs and things may improve, it might be the step back you need to see if being with him is what you really want. If you stay though and "try harder" nothing will change

daisydalrymple Thu 21-Jul-16 13:04:53

Hi olbers I came on to post as me and DH are just coming through a really bad patch, and things are starting to be great between us, I have moments where I'm so happy and am so glad I've tried and it's finally working again. It can be done. BUT, I really love DH and, thank the Lord, he loves me.

When I read your post, I didn't feel the love from you (and wouldn't expect to either!) you sound like you're living in an impossible situation, it sounds really unpleasant for you, and I'm not sure what there is to save. It sounds like you and your children deserve a much happier life.

Now I'm not going to pretend either me or my DH were model wife / husband examples when things weren't great, but your DH sounds as if he's trying to make life difficult, rather than just reacting to another disagreement. If however, you think this behaviour would change from him if you worked through and resolved your differences, and if you think you both still have shared values and life goals, then yes it's worth trying to save. If you love him.

If not, then you deserve to be happy, and your children deserve to see their mum being happy and treated with respect and love. Otherwise they're just learning that people can be unpleasant to you and treat you badly and get away with it.

I understand that you say the apartment is close to your work, so would make sense from that point of view, but be careful before making a move, that any joint finances are protected and you're not leaving yourself vulnerable to losing out any equity you may have in the home you live in now.

Olbersparadox Thu 21-Jul-16 23:06:24

Hi, and thanks for your posts.
I love him - I don't feel that it is reciprocated
That's the main problem. And a lot of the above.
He just doesn't care - it's like he's had the life sucked out of him.

It's not like we have financial problems or anything. I don't know if he could be depressed, but he has been like this for years.

daisydalrymple Thu 21-Jul-16 23:47:03

Oh well in that case please forgive my post if it sounded all doom and gloom then, I'm sorry. Yes it's worth reaching out in that case if you really want to save this, but only you will know if your DH is a good man deep down, and is just acting in this way due to being stuck in this cycle of bad reaction etc.

I would probably have been told LTB on here if I'd posted when things were at their worst for us. We'd got in a cycle of reacting badly and taking offence to much of what the other said. One day something clicked for me though when I realised just how much I love him and told him so. From that point we were able to see clearly how bad our behaviour had got and how to move forward. It's taken time but we are getting there. (Obviously a lot of back story I won't bore you with!)

Perhaps you could tell him how much you love him, but that for you to have a future things have to change, starting now and does he feel able to do that?

I really feel for you, it's awful being stuck in that situation, especially with young children you're trying to protect from the negativity. I really hope you're able to move forward in the best way for all of you.

Olbersparadox Fri 22-Jul-16 02:15:15

Thank you for your response. I have been chatting to a friend tonight who has been in a similar situation. I guess the most difficult thing is figuring out how to move on. And if he wanted to make changes - how do I know if these would be long lasting, rather than just 2 weeks then back to same old?

Would it be more useful to have counselling if it came to that? Or weekly "self help" books and talking to each other to help mend things?

daisydalrymple Fri 22-Jul-16 08:14:15

I just had to reread your op and one thing that stands out is should we try harder. I don't think you can try any harder, but he needs to start trying.

Personally i think the only thing left for you to do now is tell him how much you love him, and that you want things to work, BUT, that things must start changing immediately for you to stay. In your mind though, you need to be strong and accept this is not all your fault and not waver from that. Yes, it's good to apologise for any bad behaviour, but then move on. Forgive me, but from what you've said, I feel there's a chance if you do apologise, he will just blame you rather than doing the same and using it as a chance to talk and find a way to move forward.

I'm not sure counselling is the answer if he refuses to go, although I have seen threads on here where it's been recommended for the poster alone. Personally I would need to see some big changes, and a commitment to working this through to believe he wants to stay together in a happy, positive relationship.

But please bear in mind, I'm no expert at this relationship lark myself, it's hard work at times! My response is purely based on the few posts you've made, so my words may be unfair in the wider picture. Best of luck.

Margo3791 Fri 22-Jul-16 13:22:10

I could have written most paragraphs in your post, OP. Like you, I grew up without my dad due to divorce and him living abroad, and my biggest fear in life is to deprive my kids of their dad. I feel so lonely sometimes in my relationship with my husband, I feel completely disconnected and it causes me pain no end. I'm not in a strong situation like you, where you have another property. If I did, I would think more seriously about splitting up.

A the moment, I do what I can to make things change, but I haven't seen satisfactory change so far.

I have a lot of the problems you mentioned, plus the fact that my H loves his drink more than anything in the world.

My children are still little and I don't want to disrupt their lives, but I am aware that divorce might be the only way out in the long term. It's freedom and happiness not to have someone around who's so out of tune with your needs, feelings and your thoughts.

SandyY2K Fri 22-Jul-16 13:49:07

You've tried very hard and want it to be better, but he doesn't care. It takes two and unfortunately, despite his words, his actions show that he's not interested in how you feel or making it better.

I'd leave and have a trial seperation. If he indicates that he wants to work on things, state your conditions of a reconciliation. Write them down for him. Be clear that if things improve and slip back, you'll be done and gone for good because you don't want the same old cycle.

Discuss the terms of your seperation I. E. No dating others ... Unless you decide it's over from the day you leave, you have to be clear about this.

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