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Horrible relative, not sure how to play it????

(22 Posts)
mumsrthebest Tue 19-Jul-16 21:02:51

Hi all, need some advice on this situation. Just to give you some background I meet my husband 14 years ago and I we have always got on so well. He is very easy to talk to and we just clicked. I obviously met his parents and his elder brother. His brother is very different to my husband and wks often very moody and he is very hit/miss. I was warned prior to meeting his girlfriend that she was also very moody and generally unsocialable. She has never really made an effort with me and barely spoke to me when I used to see her at my in laws house. I admit we are both very different characters where I'm quite outgoing and describe myself as a people person she is quite quiet and blends in the background I suppose.
About 6 months into our relationship I went out for my boyfriends brothers birthday bash along with his girlfriend and mutual friends. She barely spoke to me all evening until my boyfriends brother started talking to me. She threatened me and accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend (my boyfriends brother). We didn't speak for years and my boyfriends brother spoke to me when we went out with mutul friends but told me not to tell his girlfriend.

SIx years ago I got married and she wrote on her Facebook page after the event "thank god that is over!!" After I had fed and watered her all day!
Then her daughter had a birthday party snd wasn't invited but my husband was because she was upset I didnt have her daughter as a bridesmaid at my wedding (I had my very best friend). My husband didn't go to the party out of principle.

I could seriously write a book but in short there will are times when my in laws have family gatherings and she will speak to me and be civil but if I organise any family event she always has an excuse that she can,t make it. For example she missed by daughters birthday party and I gave her another five dates for her and the kids to come over to ours and she still didnt come. It took her two years to see our new house.

This doesn't bother me but now I have children and she doesn't even attend theses events either ie: birthday parties. When my children are involved it is very hurtful to me.

She is not only horrible to me but horrible to my mother and father in law, especially my mother in law. Despite them being very kind and giving to her. She uses her children against them and she hardly lets them see the children unless she needs them to help her out.

She is getting married to my husbands brother and neither my husband, my children or my in laws have been invited.

My in laws have just told me to ignore her but call me weak I don't know how much of this I can take. I am the sort of person that says it as it is but my husband and in laws are very much the sort that don't want to cause an issue.

What do you think I should do? I want to tell them to both keep away from my family but the other part of me that thinks if I do that she will know it has affected me. I find it so hard because I feel that my in laws don't support me.

NickNacks Tue 19-Jul-16 21:05:05

Maybe asked to get this thread moved to relationships?

mumsrthebest Tue 19-Jul-16 21:06:52

Just noticed that, how do I do it?

Rowanhart Tue 19-Jul-16 23:13:09

I'm not sure why you would want this woman in your home or at children's parties.

Having them entirely out of your lives sounds ideal TBH.

I would delete them from social media, have no contact and say little more than hello if you have to be in their company.

To me, not having any contact and her not coming to kids birthdays etc would be great.

MatrixReloaded Wed 20-Jul-16 01:07:53

Why on earth would you invite someone who has previously threatened you to your child's birthday party ?

She's allowed to not like you .You obviously don't like her much either. That's fine. Stop trying to be friends with her , as a pp said , the situation is ideal.

Cary2012 Wed 20-Jul-16 06:44:03

Agree. Take control, delete all social media, go no contact, you will be amazed how relieved you feel, this woman has taken up way more headspace than she deserves. Bet you've spent sleepless nights wondering what to do to make her like you? Waste of time, she isn't worth it. Good luck.

Joysmum Wed 20-Jul-16 09:06:14

It's not important that you have a relationship with her, so why would you want to?

You say you don't want her to know it has affected you but there's nothing wrong with somebody knowing they aren't worthy to be in your life or given a second to.

Your in laws are right, ignore her because you can't take responsibility for her behaviour or change it.

It's fine to walk away.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 20-Jul-16 10:23:02

She is hard work isn't she. I would write her off and only bother with BIL when he's around. As the cousins grow up they may or may not be in touch via social media so don't feel that you need to humour this woman for the children's sakes.

mumsrthebest Wed 20-Jul-16 11:19:28

I invited her to events to keep the peace with the family. I don't understand why she is like this! I have done nothing to her.

How do you think I should play it? Shall I just not invite her anymore to events or just tell her I don't want her in my life. I do think that my BIL has a lot to answer for too.

uhoh1973 Wed 20-Jul-16 11:23:49

I wouldnt sweat it..

My BIL only turned up to our wedding party but missed the church service, did not make it to our son's or daughter's christenings, did not make my father's 70th birthday dinner. He has only met our daughter twice (she is now 6) and our son once (he is 3). We live 2 hours away from them.

I gave up some time ago... we invite them for Xmas day - sometimes they come, sometimes they don't. They have never invited us.

One of my friends assumed my sister had got divorced!

branofthemist Wed 20-Jul-16 11:29:04

I have a similar sil. I extend invites to dbro, her and the kids. Then breathe a sigh of relief that she doesn't come. When I hear of a family event I am not invited to......I also breathe a sigh of relief. It's far better that way.

I don't get upset or anything. She avoids me and I avoid her.

If my sil had put something like that on Facebook after my wedding. I would have posted 'you should have told us you didn't want to come, I would have preferred that anyway'

ClassicCoast Wed 20-Jul-16 11:30:16

Your behaviour to her has nothing to do with anything. She is an asshole and if she is the first you have met you have done wellsmile
You either invite and don't give a shit or stop inviting and don't give a shit. Do not tell her anything about what you think of her - don't let her matter that much plus it will just fuel her asshole tendencies.

pallasathena Wed 20-Jul-16 11:31:41

She probably gets some strange satisfaction from disrespecting you and your family. Very likely its linked to issues of attention seeking, control, being top dog...you know the sort of thing.
The way I see it, you're damned if you do, (cut her out of your life) and damned if you don't (cut her out) because either way, she gets all the attention that goes with the beginnings of a mega family drama.
So, what to do? Well, when I was faced with a similar situation with an in-law relative who made my life hell, I detached. Emotionally, every way, just forced myself to detach. I never enquired about her, contacted her, except for group texts re family meals, was cordial but detached when I saw her and just refused to engage on any other level except politeness.
Three years on and strong boundaries are firmly in place. There's been no huge fall out, no-one taking sides and an unspoken understanding between the rest of the extended family that its best just to let things be. Which is exactly as I hope they will remain for now and the future.

pictish Wed 20-Jul-16 11:41:49

She sounds self-obsessed and a bit unhinged. My sil is the same...I don't know her at all well and have always been pleasant and polite, but it's all about her and she thinks nothing of firing off childish, rude messages to family members if we do something she doesn't like. Bil defends the daft bint.
Recently I received message out of the blue from her with whole host of accusations against me that had no basis in reality whatsoever. I copied and sent it to bil asking wtf after which both of them blocked me. hmm

I'm done with it and so too should you be. I won't be making the slightest effort with either of them any more, beyond the bare minimum required to keep my hostility at bay at family gatherings. Pair of arseholes can fuck off.

OurBlanche Wed 20-Jul-16 12:46:18

So... you don't want to upset anybody... she couldn't give a monkey's who she upsets... and you are trying to play nice for everyone?

Yeah! I know that feeling, have a PoisonousSil of my own.

Block her in every way you can. Don't explain anything, just block her.

If anyone asks - in real life or fb etc - just reply "Can't be dealing with the drama"

If anyone says that was a nasty comment reply " It was... but it is how I feel"

Repeat as often as necessary - which won't be anywhere near as often as you might fear!

PoisonousSil is believed to think she has 'won' - won what I am not sure, but as her having won it keeps her well away from my life, I would be happy for a rematch, so I can lose it again and keep her even further away smile

LockedOutOfMN Wed 20-Jul-16 12:51:54

I would ignore her and be civil and say blandish things if your children ask about her, e.g. "Auntie X is very busy."

Life is too short; I know she's a relative but you, your children and the rest of your family could enjoy a much more positive and productive relationship with some friends instead of wasting time on this lady who doesn't seem to have any time or care for you.

I'm sorry for all of the hurt she has brought you and your family in the past.

Arfarfanarf Wed 20-Jul-16 12:56:36

I would just leave her to it.

continue to invite them to stuff so that she can't boo hoo about no invite but you know that she won't come so don't expect her to, don't plan for her to and don't care that she doesn't.

She's nobody to you. She's a horrible person who happens to be the partner of the bloke who happens to be the brother of your husband.

If you all got on well then great, but you don't and that's that. There's nothing you can say that will change her so don't waste your time trying or your energy thinking about it.

Get on with your life and treat her civilly if your paths happen to cross but just stop giving a shit.

pictish Wed 20-Jul-16 13:01:37

Well said Arf and this is exactly how I plan to go forward with my own horrible sil, who just happens to be the wife of the bloke who just happens to be my dh's brother.
I will be civil to pleasant where contact is unavoidable but that's all the effort I'm going to make.

RepentAtLeisure Wed 20-Jul-16 13:26:06

You can't expect your in laws to side with one daughter in law over another, it could damage their relationship with their son. So forget about it. When you see her at family events you'll have to grin and bear it.

Aside from that, block her on social media, take her number off your phone, and don't contact her any more. (And bear in mind that 'telling it as it is' is code for 'rude' a lot of the time. Diplomacy helps if you want to get along with extended family!)

OurBlanche Wed 20-Jul-16 13:30:42

Diplomacy helps if you want to get along with extended family!)

I keep forgetting that it always falls to one person to be the diplomat!

Maybe that is why DH just doesn't bother with his family anymore. He got heartily sick and tired of being The One.

Oldraver Wed 20-Jul-16 13:38:14

She isnt going to change, you can change how you react to her.

Still invite her and or her DC's to stuff, but leave it there. No chasing her up and go with the idea she wont turn up hopefully if she does just drink more wine.

Basically disengage.....but be curteous. Personally I would not bother with any invites

mumsrthebest Thu 21-Jul-16 23:22:18

Thanks everyone for your advice, I have taken the plunge and defriended her off Facebook. Wonder what reprisals I will get? I will just have to say "I cut people out of my life you don't care about me or my family".

I must admit it was such a relief when I did it.

The shelfish person never made any acknowledgment of any special events in my life that I shared on there anyway. Always eager to write about herself though! Good ridance to bad rubbish X

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