Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

tell me i need to get a grip/am in the wrong? DH and texting

(164 Posts)
snowtuxedo Tue 19-Jul-16 00:08:21

DH's best childhood friend has just come out of a messy divorce. He is 45, same age as my DH.

He's going through a phase of heading to nightclubs in London, buying a table and champagne, and taking girls home.

He has invited DH along a few times, but I am 39 weeks pregnant, ready to pop and barely see DH with his job being what it is and him working away so much. Plus I wouldn't support DH going as a wing man for the purpose of picking up women.

Anyway, this was all very vague and irrelevant to me until I get a picture from DH of his friend sitting in his flat with two girls straddling him on each knee, everyone was clothed. He had sent it to my DH, then DH had captioned it something like "look what Dfriend is up to now..." and forwarded to me. The girls looked about 20 years old - (not underage, but DH's friend was definitely pushing a 25 year age difference.)

It made me a bit confused and I asked DH what his friend had been up to. He just said his friend had picked these girls up in a club, slept in a bed with them and nothing had happened. DH said he was rebounding and he found it all a bit pathetic. Fine - it's his friends' business, I thought. I asked a few more questions but DH was mostly unforthcoming, just brushed the questions off and kept repeating that it was a phase his friend was going through. I'm feeling huge and frumpy and I think maybe on some level I was worried DH would be jealous of his friend's freedom.

Well... I checked DH's phone earlier today (because I felt insecure.) DH leaves it unlocked and generally out, as I leave mine too. I looked at the conversation with his friend and it was basically lots and lots of sexual pictures of these girls naked, doing things to each other and him (his friend) and a blow-by-blow account of the "threesome" he had with them. Again this is none of my business, but it rings alarm bells with me that he is sharing these pics with DH, giving accounts of the sex to DH, that DH did not tell me the whole story and that DH is even willing to accept pictures like this. If a friend sent these to me, I would say ergh, no thanks...

Not that I have any RIGHT to know the whole story, obviously, as it is none of my business and I'm just being an insecure fool - right?

Plus although DH wasn't actively egging him on in his comments, there was definitely a "boy's club" mentality about the whole conversation. "Sometimes women are like this and sometimes women are like that. And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

I need to just let this whole thing well alone, don't I? Please be gentle, I think I am just hormonal and insecure...

ConcreteUnderpants Tue 19-Jul-16 00:12:52

I think you've hit the nail on the head there - insecure and hormonal!
Your DH seems to have responded well to the texts he received. How often is he going out with this friend? Is aware you could pop at anytime and really don't need him showing up, unable to drive and half pissed?
The friend just sounds like he's twat, being a bit of a sad case, having his mid-life crisis/post separation freedom.

Lookatyourwatchnow Tue 19-Jul-16 00:18:00

I'm afraid I don't think you are bring hormonal and insecure, although I know that's what you are hoping MN will say. If I were you, I would be extremely unhappy. Incandescent, in fact.

snowtuxedo Tue 19-Jul-16 00:19:24

Lookatyourwatchnow can you tell me why? I am trying to understand my own feelings of discomfort with this

janaus Tue 19-Jul-16 02:18:22

Sorry, I wouldnt find it acceptable, in any way, that your husband is involved in this at all, either as wingman, or the photos.
Asking for trouble if you ask me.
His first priority is you and his family, not his friend.

Northernparent68 Tue 19-Jul-16 02:31:15

Janus, why is it unacceptable ?

Is the op's husband expected to police his friends behaviour or stop talking to an old friend because the friend is having sex ?

Women share confidences so there is no reason why men should n't.

Eminado Tue 19-Jul-16 02:49:26

At 36 Weeks pregnant i am probably hormonal too but I wouldn't like this at all. I would have to mention what I had seen on the phone.

Tootsiepops Tue 19-Jul-16 02:53:20

I don't think you are being hormonal or insecure either.

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who thought that sort of behaviour was acceptable - and by that, I don't mean it's unacceptable that your husband's friend is having sex - but that he's sending sexually explicit pictures to your husband and describing everything to him in detail. That is incredibly weird.

Also, did the friend have the women's permission to share their pictures, I wonder.

VioletBam Tue 19-Jul-16 03:09:13

I would be upset that DH only shared the clothed picture with me. Why did he feel he needed to hide the others?

If my DH received pics like that, he'd be nonplussed then a bit grossed out. He'd tell me what they were and offer to show me I expect.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 19-Jul-16 03:20:12

It's your DH's childhood friend. Family & friends sometimes do thngs you don't approve of or think much of, but you're not going to ruin a relationship with them because they're acting like a bit of a twat.

Maybe your DH would have told you about the other photos if your reaction had been more eye rolly (as he was) & less disapproving/worried but seeing your reaction thought better of it?

Your DH seems to find it all 'a bit of a stupid phase' his mate is going through, rather than 'look at this, lucky bastard'.

Just enjoy the end of your pregnancy, your DH & the last few nights you'll have alone for a long while! Don't spoil them worrying or mithering about his friend.

If at any stage he yabbers on about going on one of these nights out, you can tell him to go & enjoy it...if he doesn't want to be married anymore.

As for the women, if they both go home with him, shag him/each other & let him take photos then they can hardly be surprised if they end up on the Internet. They're a lot younger than him, but old enough to be consenting properly.

GarlicStake Tue 19-Jul-16 03:44:05

He told you his mate's spent, I dunno, probably well above £500 to pull some women and brought them home to sit on his lap ... and sleep all cuddled up, like innocent children?

Leaving my enormous revulsion aside, because that might be personal, he evidently thinks you're a complete idiot. I would be quite annoyed about that. And even more annoyed that he lied. Why did he lie?

I don't think you're being irrational. Given that you're so very pregnant, what's he doing clubbing with his high-rolling pal into the early hours? A nice DH would be coming in to massage your feet and staying sober to help his impending newborn arrive.

Sorry. I understand you want everything to be fine, but I don't think it is.

snowtuxedo Tue 19-Jul-16 03:49:49

Garlic, he hasn't been out with his friend at all, it's just his friend "reporting from the field" so to speak, over text.

But I agree with you that I should be hmm over why I am being told the nice abridged version rather than the full version.

GarlicStake Tue 19-Jul-16 03:50:03

Edit: I had the impression H was going out with the pal. Instead, he's vicariously re-living his nightclub exploits with him? Sorry for getting that wrong.

Depending on H's reactions, I suppose he might just be humouring his friend - or even getting a kick out of it. Ideally he'd tell this pal he doesn't want to hear all about his shagathons. But this part depends a lot on exact details & nuance.

I'm still rather hmm about the story and the lie.

GarlicStake Tue 19-Jul-16 03:50:30

smile xpost!

Tootsiepops Tue 19-Jul-16 03:52:01

OP's husband's friend is absolutely free to behave like a twat. We all are.

What OP's husband is not free to do is condone twattish behaviour by accepting sexually explicit pictures, and indulging said twattish behaviour by listening to blow by blow (no pun intended) accounts of what his friend has been doing.

OP - you said that there were pictures of the women doing sexually explicit things to your husband's friend. Does that basically mean your husband's friend has essentially sent him pictures that contain his penis? Just curious because that would be really fucking weird

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 19-Jul-16 04:03:40

Tootsiepops

Why, exactly, is the OP's husband not free to condone twattish behaviour? Private conversation (or so he thought) with his mate. He's not asking to be invited along next time fgs.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 19-Jul-16 04:05:44

And really, if he's sent him a photo of the two girls doing whatever to him and there's a bit of his cock in the photos, so what? It's not like he's sending him a photo of just his cock. Talk about read too much into it.

JacketPoTayTo Tue 19-Jul-16 04:22:43

I can't understand the first response you received from concrete. Quick to agree that you are hormonal and insecure because your H "seems to have responded well". I don't think you've actually said what his responses were to the messages.

I do not think that your H's behaviour is acceptable and I would be having a very frank conversation about boundaries. The fact that he was so selective with what he told you just proves that he knows he is crossing a line with the banter/allowing his friend to send these photos and keeping them on his phone. IMO, the only acceptable response from your H to his friend would have been "please stop sending me pictures of you having sex. I don't want a blow by blow account of your personal life".

I don't know whether your baby is a boy or a girl, but would he be OK with somebody one day sharing photos of his daughter like this? Would he be OK with his son objectifying women in this way? He might not be the one who is sending the photos but unless he is telling his friend to stop then he is complicit in it.

TheStoic Tue 19-Jul-16 04:26:24

Time to have a frank discussion with him about the photos.

Would he be OK (in theory) with sexual pictures of his wife/his daughter/his sister etc being shared with unknown men for their entertainment? If not, why not?

If yes, well.....

Tootsiepops Tue 19-Jul-16 04:29:47

He's not free to accept sexually explicit pictures / engage in sexually explicit text conversations because doing so has made his (heavily pregnant) wife uncomfortable. If he were single, he's free to condone whatever her wants, but that changes, I think, when you have a partner to consider. The fact that he did not tell her of the conversation / pictures suggests he knows full well it is inappropriate.

Re: cock picture. Why am I reading too much in to it? Did you think I was trying to imply he was gay in some way? (I wasn't, just for the record). I just find it incredibly odd that anyone would send their best friend sexually explicit pictures, let alone ones that contained their penis (or vagina / vulva / clitoris etc).

twittwooery Tue 19-Jul-16 04:44:51

But when you're sent something you don't get a preview or description asking whether you accept/ deny them, and for all we know they could have been sent in one batch and DH saw them all at once, and it was his friend talking about women.

PP have said it's wrong because it made his DW feel bad but he's also being questioned because he didn't show her the naked pics or tell her. Which could have been to not make her feel bad, and she wouldn't have if she hadn't snooped. Not to mention it would be passing around naked pictures of these women without their knowledge.

And RE the boys club things, many women talk to other women about the people they've had sex with I don't think you can crucify someone for that.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 19-Jul-16 04:45:52

Tootsiepops. It's not, in any way, up to you to dictate what he's 'free to accept'. It's not up to the OP to dictate what he's 'free to accept'. She, unlike you, can tell him what she is/isn't happy with & is free to leave if he's not willing to accept those terms. He probably didn't tell her the rest because of how she reacted, he probably figured he would further annoy/upset her if he did. Doesn't make the conversation with his friend inappropriate.

Striking things out doesn't make them invisible. You said 'That would be really fucking weird'. Not really, a photo with two attractive girls that has a little bit of his cock showing isn't 'really weird'. Sending a photo just of his cock, that would be weird.

* IMO, the only acceptable response from your H to his friend would have been "please stop sending me pictures of you having sex. I don't want a blow by blow account of your personal life"*

Isn't that up the OP's DH to decide? It's his friend. If he's ok with it, then it's not for anyone else to be deciding what is/isn't acceptable.

As for the usual 'would you be happy for your wife/sister/mother/daughter' to >whatever<. It's irrelevant. If the wife/daughter/sister/mother go back to random men's houses & have their photos taken in compromising positions that their decision - not something the men in their lives get to go have a say about.

Joysmum Tue 19-Jul-16 04:50:45

I could not respect my husband if he were enthusiastic about the pics and not try to say anything about consent.

So to me, it's not about him receiving the pics and hiding it, more about what his response was.

twittwooery Tue 19-Jul-16 04:55:13

But we don't really know what his response was, but we do know he said it was pathetic. Besides if you've been friends since childhood presumably he thinks that his friend is somewhat of a decent person and had consent?

Lovelydiscusfish Tue 19-Jul-16 06:57:20

The pictures are the huge problem here. We have no idea if the women consented to their being sent. If not, it's appallingly exploitative. Really, really revolting.
In OP's situation, I wouldn't expect my dh to tell me exactly what his friend had confided in him re his sex life. However, I would certainly be horrified if, receiving pictures like this, he did anything other than have a massive go at the sender, and then delete them immediately from his phone.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now