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ExH won't behave with decency towards me

(41 Posts)
CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:01:32

I 'threw him out' when I uncovered his affair (2013). We had attended counselling when I found out a year earlier about his secret friendship, with someone that he would meet up with after work or on the premise of working late. But when it was clear it was a serious affair, that was it for me - gone.

Soldiering on with four kids under 9, I've got a job, held my head high, and done my best.

He has an abject refusal to be honest with me. He has demonstrated time and again that he makes asshole decisions about important things. He pretends to be decent and honourable to me (big earner, allowing me to stay in the family home) but is extremely provocative (imho) in informing the world on social media about his amazing new life with his girlfriend.

What galls me is that he won't acknowledge that in order to successfully coparent with me, there needs to be some mutual respect. He doesn't afford that to me by being publicly disrespectful of me and ignoring my requests that he at least be discreet; I can't respect him when he feigns 'immense sadness' that I ended the relationship. The breakup doesn't 'fit' with his profession, his persona and his Catholic character; his approach is to play sackcloth and ashes with me, then to post on Facebook from Milan/Barcelona/Athens his lovely city-break snaps (six so far this year).

With the greatest of intentions, I try my damnedest to ignore, but close and well-meaning friends are horrified at this provocation. He friended all my Facebook friends, and dances out this bizarre public life which embarrasses and humiliates me.

Many months ago, I stopped asking him to respect my integrity and privacy (in that, publicising his life, he was drawing attention to my noted absence). Is there any way that I can address this, in an attempt to retrieve some sort of respect and privacy, or do I just need to continue ignoring, despite my worries that his injudicious self-publicity will disaffect me to such a degree that the children will experience the fallout of mutual parental detestation?

Just to add, I don't live in the UK and the wheels of separation crank very slowly on this country.

RandomMess Mon 18-Jul-16 23:08:11

I would ask that your friends de-friend and block him so you don't have to see his drivel. If they don't want to tbh I'd unfollow or even block them. You need space away from his stupid and cruel mind games sadangry

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:13:05

Thank you for your reply. Some have already done so. I live in a small community and it is isolating for me, and destructive for him in terms of a social/supportive network, to act the way he does.

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:18:55

Your a absence? Do people not know you aren't together any more?
First of all get of his Facebook, block him as no good can come of looking at it.
Is he seeing the children/paying child support? I would try and focus on you and the kids really and let him crack on.
I know it's annoying parading photos etc but what is on fb is never real life.

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:20:08

Good re asking friends to unfriend him. You need friends at a time like this.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:23:48

I told people we had separated. He told people that we were sadly spending time apart. Some people (eg abroad - including a godparent) have pieced it together. There is a wave of 'support' which he takes as validation of his excellent parenting. I spend all my time cracking on; he financially supports 'us'; but it is corrosive and I've put up with it for nearly two years now. Do I just suck it up?

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:29:51

'Sadly separated' and pics of him with new gf? How odd. Why is he getting support from others?
Sounds like he wants to salve a guilty conscience to me.
When is divorce likely to be done? I know it's hard being in limbo
What would you like to have happen ideally?

Lookatyourwatchnow Mon 18-Jul-16 23:33:13

If you are no longer in a relationship, I can't see why he shouldn't put whatever pictures he wants on social media. Why do you care?

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:34:56

He is a lawyer and fears being professionally embarrassed. He likes to pretend it is all terribly sad. This is completely at odds with his 'way-heyyy' public pronouncements. I should clarify the social media postings do not actually feature the girlfriend but pictures of him in extremely romantic settings (opera/theatre/spa) where he is clearly not alone. He is being honest with no one, imo.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:37:26

I care because it is destructive to my best efforts at coparenting. We were married for 16 years and have four children. We will go through graduations, 21sts, weddings and much more. We currently go through school plays and sports days side by side. I don't want to be treated like shit.

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:38:47

Oh I see
Well he sounds delightful hmm and I had a hunch you were going to say he was a lawyer.
If he's not honest then that's not your problem. I think you need to care less what he posts
The truth will come out eventually and he will look daft.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:39:04

It's not so much 'why do you care?' than 'how could you not care?' when there is a long history and a longer future. Why doesn't he care?

ladylambkin Mon 18-Jul-16 23:39:33

Block him on Social media and say to friends you have no wish to hear about his life. He has moved on now and I see no reason why he shouldn't post about his new life...it's just kinder you don't see it hence why I suggest you block him.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Mon 18-Jul-16 23:39:46

*last reply was to LookWhat.

liletsthepink Mon 18-Jul-16 23:40:23

You need to block him on all social media.

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:40:48

No I know you don't but you can't really control how people behave only how you react
Have you asked him to stop?
Surely a lawyer be better off not on fb anyway? A bit at odds with professional role

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:41:45

Because he's selfish probably

AcrossthePond55 Mon 18-Jul-16 23:49:07

I'm a bit confused. You are separated, yes? With no intention of living together again as a married couple?

If this is so, he is entitled to live the life of a single person, including having a new partner. As are you. And if he wants to put it on FB he's entitled to do that, too. Friending your friends/family is in very poor taste and perhaps he did do it to get your goat, but all they need to do is block him.

I'm sure no one in your town thinks the worse of you because he's acting like a teenager. And his behaviour shouldn't cause you embarrassment or humiliation. You aren't acting like an idiot, he is.

Mrskeats Mon 18-Jul-16 23:51:09

Do you want to get back together with him?

AcrossthePond55 Mon 18-Jul-16 23:54:13

Some 'x-posting' occurred.

Why do you think you won't be able to successfully co-parent? Many former couples co-parent with one or both of them in new relationships, even new marriages. Successful co-parenting has to do with treating you politely (no name calling, yelling, insulting, etc) and trying to make mutual good decisions in raising your children, it has nothing to do with his (or your) private life.

Lookatyourwatchnow Mon 18-Jul-16 23:59:56

What he is putting on social media has nothing to do with your co-parenting relationship. That is, unless you make an unnecessary issue of it. Don't look at his social media, as it is clearly upsetting you.

Rubixx Tue 19-Jul-16 00:00:09

I'm sorry but honestly, it's none of your business. He doesn't have to limit his social media posts, you need to stop looking.

And FWIW, what shitty mates you have for even entertaining him. If they were real friends of yours they would unfriend/block or if mutual wouldn't share what helse posts with you (if you're not looking for yourself).

He has every right to move on and splash it all over town if he really wants, as do you. It might not be nice to see but in that case, you need to not look. Sorry flowers

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Tue 19-Jul-16 00:05:36

No intention of getting back together. There was what I considered a gentlemans agreement that the affair would not become public knowledge to protect the children from gossip and speculation. I feel goaded in my silence, and I feel his behaviour is provocative in that it takes all my sane efforts to keep the family (ie raising of kids I a calm and cooperative fashion) ship on an even keel, and his behaviour tests me constantly. I find it unfair that he does this, and I seek a more reasonable level of behaviour from him.

I find it hard to read and understand posts on this thread and others that are along the lines of 'why should you care, when the relationship is over?' The marriage is over, but the relationship as parents is never over. I do not see it as black and white, more a navigation through murk, much of which is horrid.

SandyY2K Tue 19-Jul-16 00:13:39

You don't need his permission to divorce and once you do, people will realise he can do what he likes with who he likes and stop telling you about it. That will save you the embarrassment.

I don't know the laws of where you live, but I would rather severe legal ties with him.

Lookatyourwatchnow Tue 19-Jul-16 00:13:41

You can dress it up with the most eloquent language you like, but it's still not your business. You are no longer in a romantic relationship, and so neither of you can dictate who talks to who about new relationships or publicises pictures of their life in their own time. Of course you will still have a relationship as parents. This is an entirely different relationship to a marriage or romantic relationship.

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