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My partner wants children and I don't. Help..

(15 Posts)
Sheusedtobesomeonelse Mon 18-Jul-16 15:38:17

My partner and i have been together for nearly 2 years, I have 2 DDs who are 9 & 7, he doesn’t have any children. I’m 38, he is 31. And he gets on well with my children.
I have always been very upfront with him about me not wanting any more children. We were friends before we got together so he has always known I was done with having children.
I have an appointment in October with my gynae to book the date for my tubes to be tied, and I cannot wait to get this done.

When we got together I told him that when he realises he wants children then to tell me, because that is something I wouldn’t be able to give him.
Since we got together he has said he doesn’t want children, that it’s not something for him (his previous fiancé died of breast cancer and they wouldn’t have been able to have children because of her treatment, so he said he had already accepted the fact of not having children).
Recently we have had a lot of pregnancies/babies etc around us. On Friday his older brother, who he is very close to, announced he was having a baby and we are all delighted, it will be the first grandchild in their family. I think he was gutted.
His reaction has been quite guarded each time a pregnancy/baby is announced but on Friday I could tell he was really upset and we had a huge discussion where basically he said he knew from the start he was “dying to have children” with me, but knew it wasn’t going to happen so he’d rather be with me with no children than without me. Which is why he never told me the truth. He said he could accept it. But can you really accept something like that?
I was never very maternal but boy, when I got the urge to have children, was it strong! I suspect it’s the same for men,too?

I have a huge problem with this, I love him so much and he is a wonderful man, he has his moments like we all do – but as a couple it works great but I just am done with children. This is something that I just cannot give him.
This is my selfish choice and decision but one I took 7 years ago when I had my last DD - so it’s not fair at all on him. My heart is breaking, and I know it will probabaly break his heart too.

He cried all night on Friday and I don’t know if it was because I’d said that we couldn’t go on together with such different outlooks on the future, that it wasn’t fair on either of us, or because he finally realized that my making baby days were over..
If he wanted to leave and find someone in 5-6 years then wouldn’t it be better to just leave now? Just writing that brings me out in cold sweats.
All he says is he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, I love him so much, and him me, I’ve never felt so loved and cherished but don’t want to deprive him of what is the greatest thing in the world. He would make a great father and everyone knows it
Would it help if we went to see someone to try to untangle this huge great mess that seems to have just reared its big, ugly head. Even though at the end of the day, it won’t change the fact that he wants a baby, and I don’t.

Has anyone overcome this without bitterness and failure in the end? I feel awful just thinking about it all.

GarlicStake Mon 18-Jul-16 15:46:08

Oh, no. You must both be feeling really distressed about this.

No, I have no matching experience. XH knew I couldn't carry full-term and wanted to adopt (fortunately we split up before getting round to it.)

It sounds very much as if H has considered his paternal urges and decided he loves you more than your uterus. It is a huge thing, though, and you're right not to brush it under the carpet. Differing parental ambitions are a sure-fire dealbreaker, so you both need to get everything out in the open as generously as possible. I think this would be easier in a controlled setting, with a counsellor.

Hope it goes well, and doesn't drag out too long.

Toffeelatteplease Mon 18-Jul-16 15:46:27

Not your decision to make. It's his. Kicking him out because how you think he should feel really isn't fair.

But yes of course he might always change his mind and that will hurt You have to work out if this is the real reason you are ending it now.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Mon 18-Jul-16 16:01:28

Bless you both!! I feel so fortunate that my OH and I have had two children. He already had two and didn't want anymore, but then we had a surprise baby and another planned one. He wasn't happy at first but I didn't want a termination so that was that!
I agree it's not your decision to make, but after experiencing the love and joy of having your own children brings, I can understand that if you love him and it's something he wants, you want him to have it, but that is up to him. flowers
Perhaps he was hoping you would change your mind and now he's realising that just won't happen, which is bound to be upsetting. He is grieving for the children he doesn't think he will ever have.

Sheusedtobesomeonelse Mon 18-Jul-16 16:14:07

Kicking him out is not quite what i had in mind. At all. And i hope that it didnt read that way because i'm not sure i could begin to imagine how awful it would be, not having him in my life, or him ot knowing the oy of being a father.

And I know its not my decision, but i just want him to not regret his decision if he does stay with me after my fertile days are over. I'm so scared one day not too far down the line he'll wake up and his urge to have children will push him to leave. Even though he says it wont, if his desire for children has grown since we've been together, surely it won't just die down on its own?

I think you're right mumoftwo, he is grieving, and it's very hard for both of us. I feel so guilty not to be able to make him happy just as he deserves.

GarlicStake Mon 18-Jul-16 17:39:16

surely it won't just die down on its own?

It might! I only had baby craving for about six months. Ironically, I was actively trying not to get pregnant during that phase. For most of the rest of my sexually active life I was okay if it happened, but not going out of my way to conceive. There's a canyon of difference between feeling that need for a baby, and loving kids & thinking perhaps you should have some.

You can't argue with instinct grin But you can modify your response to it, which requires an amount of self-examination. That's why I think counselling would be helpful for you both.

TheNaze73 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:50:25

Just flip it, I'd it was reversed & it was a choice of you or a baby, what would you do? This is his call entirely. Admire you for standing by your guns op

Realitybitesyourbum Mon 18-Jul-16 21:50:22

Is he not helping you bring up your two dc? He does realise babies turn into children and he has two there he can help bring up?

Lottapianos Mon 18-Jul-16 21:57:19

OP, I have no children, pretty much by choice. I really don't think I would cope at all well with the reality of motherhood. And yet, I have had periods of profound grief over not being a mother, and moments when I have desperately wanted a family of my own. I'm coming out the other side now but it's been a very emotional and upsetting few years.

It may be a loss that he needs to grieve. Friends and people around me starting to have babies was what kicked it all off for me, maybe he's going through something similar.

Your decision to have no more children is not selfish in the slightest by the way. You have your children, they need you, you don't want any more. Fair enough.

Kr1stina Mon 18-Jul-16 22:10:21

I agree your decisions isn't selfish , you have every right to feel the way you do , as does he .

Unfortunately there's no compromise between having a child and not having a child. But you have done the right thing in being very honest from the start.

It's his choice to make , go or stay , and it sounds like he has made it . But he does have the right to grieve and you need to give him space to do that .

yorkstonepatio Mon 18-Jul-16 23:07:07

My own personal experience in a very similar situation - we both started to resent the other and it destroyed the relationship.

Sheusedtobesomeonelse Tue 19-Jul-16 08:59:43

Thank you so much for your replies, there's alot to think about. Abit of space before anything is the way to go at the moment (and thats not something i'm good at so will really make an effort).

flowers

Viewofhedges Tue 19-Jul-16 15:07:06

Realising you won't have children, either by circumstance or choice, can lead you to grieve. What Lotta said is very true.

The above posters are right. You can't make his decision for him, and you also can't stop him from grieving when he makes that choice. The suggestion of counselling could be a good one - the chance to REALLY talk this out - but all you can do, and sounds like you already have, is give him his choice.

FWIW it took me about a year to grieve the thought of a family. I THINK I'm just about out of it now. Christmas, Mother's Day - all quite tough, but I'm now starting to appreciate the fact that I can continue to enjoy my freedom and not worry that my poorly paid job wouldn't pay for childcare! Also, when my DH met me, he thought I didn't want kids and he chose me over the opportunity to have kids. Turned out we both did, then we tried, then it turns out that we can't. But the fact that he chose me 'over' children is something I'm privileged to know.

Justlikefire Tue 19-Jul-16 15:51:53

You say he gets on with your children but can't he be a fully involved stepfather to your children?

Do you live together? What's the position with your dc's father?

If I really wanted to be with someone I would be willing to be part of their family even if I couldnt have my own children. I appreciate the desire for your own dc is strong but not in everyone. A family member of mine is a wonderful stepfather but never wanted his own children when he was young and he settled down later in life with a single parent.

Beefles Tue 19-Jul-16 17:29:12

I feel bad for you both. He has to struggle with giving up on the woman he loves for having a child (which is difficult but always portrayed as so worth it) or staying with you and never having a child with you or anyone and sticking to being step dad.

I feel his pain, I really do. You guys have a lot to think about but really it sounds like you have made your mind up and it's down to his choice now.
Would you be happy if you both split up over this and you saw him a few years down the line with a happy family of his own? Can you guarantee this isn't the man for you if he really wants kids? I think you both need to think about what you both want and give it a little time to think. If you both really are on different pages then I think it's only fair to you both to be able to find someone who can give you that but he may choose to not have kids and that's his decision just as you have made your decision.

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