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Getting back with an ex????

(32 Posts)
em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:36:38

My ex and I were together for 2 years, lived together for a year and have a 16 month old daughter. We've been split up for 9 months and he started seeing someone else a few months ago.

Our relationship became very volitile, particularly after I had our daughter because I wasn't feeling myself and we very insecure and he couldn't cope with it.

We had a bad break up and have said some horrendous things to each, not to mention there were a few other things we didn't agree on at the time.

Out of nowhere he's told me he's breaking up with his girlfriend because she's not the one and she's not me. Says he's never stopped loving me and that's why things got nasty but he's never met anyone he gets on with as well as me and he's heartbroken how things turned out etc.

I'm in shock, I had moved on (or I thought I had) but now it's just like I do still love him and might actually want this.

He is breaking up with her tonight and I've said I don't want to talk about anything until he's dealt with that. He's not doing it to be with me, he just knows she's not for him and it's only fair he's honest and let's get fond someone who is actually commited to her. I just don't know if I'm being silly thinking this could work...has anyone else reconciled with an ex? Successfully?

I know I'm not the insecure, jealous wreck I was and I'm not even jealous about the girlfriend so I know I'm in a much different place than I was then.

When things were bad they were REALLY bad and when they were good they were the best. We get on so well, even since splitting up we always end up having a laugh and a joke.

Is it possible for a failed relationship to work second time round?

Saltfish Mon 18-Jul-16 15:42:09

The past is prelude...

Cosmo111 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:47:54

Personally I could of got back with my DS father i declined on several reasons, he cheated, he was EA his family were EA amongst other things the most being my DS emotional well being, he deserved so much more and we have never looked back

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:54:56

It's not because he's the father of my child I would give it another go, we both have children to previous partners. I don't know what it is, there's just always been something there. Obviously neither of us want to pick up where we left off, we'd need to resolve past issues and have the kids to think about so it's a really big decision obviously because it would be confusing for them if it failed again.

My head is all over the place!

hownottofuckup Mon 18-Jul-16 15:55:00

It didn't work for me. I ended up as a single mum of more DC (whom I love!)
I did eventually realise that I'm happy and and easy going and motivated all the time I'm not with him. With him I become someone I don't recognise, or like much.
Might be different for you though.
If you do decide to give it another go I would be cautious and not just welcome h back with open arms thinking it'll be different this time.

adora1 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:55:37

2 years and it got really bad, what's to say the same thing won't happen again, be careful you are not considering it because he is already with someone else.

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:01:26

No, I was fine with him being in a relationship. I have always cared about him and just wanted him to be happy. Never thought for a minute this would be a possibility or I'd even consider getting back with him....I've been happily single and just working on myself until now

hownottofuckup Mon 18-Jul-16 16:01:56

Also, I did find that whatever problems we'd had before were still very much still there with the added bonus of the resentments that built during and after the split.
Splitting up with his gf to be with you appears more flattering than it really is. It's just the start really, he can just as easily do the same in reverse. I would wonder why he didn't speak to you about this after splitting with her, rather than before.

hownottofuckup Mon 18-Jul-16 16:03:13

Keep doing that. If he wants to be with you and make it work he will be supportive rather than petulant

adora1 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:09:49

It just doesn't sound good, in 2 years it became volatile - usually you are in the honeymoon period and loved up, just not sure there's enough there to go back for OP but I guess you could give it a go and see what happens.

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:13:59

Thanks. @ hownottofuckup he usually ends up telling me what's going on with him so while we were chatting about our daughter he said he's not happy and going to end things but he felt really guilty because she's been nothing but nice to him....obviously I told him he's wrong to keep stringing her along so sort it out then it all comes out is because he still loves me and he's been kidding myself! This was just yesterday.

I've refused to discuss the implications of what he's said re. Us because A. I'm a bit thrown and B. It's not fair on the person he's seeing.

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:18:39

I know what you're saying adora....We were loved up even until we split (which was after a big argument). I think it was circumstances and all the stress we were under rather than being incompatible but I'm just scared it happens again because of our older kids.

I suppose the only thing that can be done is to talk through all our previous issues and see if we're now in a position to resolve them and learn from before. Maybe we'll spend a bit of time together and realise it's not right. Honestly I've no idea

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:27:33

I feel as if it's just going to naturally keep happening. ..I've never wanted to go back to an ex before and because we can't cut ties completely I think there's always going to he something there. We didn't break up because we didn't live each other, it was just too much and I suppose I'm hopeful that the time apart and working on ourselves will make it possible to move forward

adora1 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:37:28

Sorry OP I am still not convinced, how if you love someone do you then have a relationship with someone else, how in fact do you split up if you are in love - sorry it just looks like you both walked away quite easily and he was always out looking for someone new, just because it so happens she does not rock his boat, it might have turned out the other way and he's not be trying with you now, there just seems am awful lot of water under that bridge for 2 years.

Let him take you out, romance you but do it nice and slowly.

Dutchcourage Mon 18-Jul-16 16:49:55

What does 'volatile' mean and 'when things where bad they where really bad' mean? Do you mean violent? Screaming and shouting? What was he doing when things were like this? What were you doing when this was happening? And more importantly whst were your kids doing when things were really bad and volatile?

Why did he just spend nine months of his life sharing another woman's bed if he loved you? Why are you so easy to take back? Has he just basically winked and clicked his fingers and you are ready and waiting? He isn't even having to chase you or woo you. I can 100% say it will not last because you are just 'available' to him.

I'd be intrested to know when he last shagged his current gf , Would that make a difference to you? Men paint a sorry picture when they are looking else where especially if there is a eager woman willing and waiting - my BIL is a twat when it comes to women and his gf never know any different as they are still sleeping in his bed and shagging him.

If you you have any self respect but truley do want to get back with him you will make him wait - weeks/months. Make him chase and woo you so he realises you are not so easy. during which you can see if he chases any one else or if he is serious about you.

But to be honest - I wouldn't go back to this relationship because I'm too old to do volatile or reallybad, it's not healthy or fair on your kids.

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 16:55:42

It wasn't like that at all, we weren't communicating properly and we were both fed up of arguing abs agreed it was better for the kids. He wasn't looking for someone else the whole time, we were both heartbroken but thought it was for the best then he started seeing someone 6 months after we split. I suppose I just looked at is as he's realised by seeing someone else that it's me he wants and we should try and work it out. I haven't given him an answer, just trying to get different opinions so I'm prepared for the inevitable 'talk'.

One thing I do know is there definitely wouldn't be any rushing, I'm comfortable on my own and refuse to be in another relationship where we can't work together, that goes for him or anyone else x

Dutchcourage Mon 18-Jul-16 16:59:24

Sounds like you have already talked yourself round. He really doesn't have to do much work does he!

Hope it doesn't get volatile or really bad again

adora1 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:01:21

Sorry there's a few typos in my reply.

What I mean is in 2 years you have had volatile arguments, were unable to communicate and then split, he then went on to being in a relationship with someone else, I'd imagine he wasn't sitting at home pining then when you were separated.

Just doesn't bode well at all, and I also agree with above, you should not be making yourself too available to him whilst he is shagging OW.

It shouldn't have to take being with someone else to make you realise you love someone else, just be careful he's not trying to get back to you cos he knows his current relationship is coming to an end, you also only have his version of events.

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:03:56

Well clearly i don't want a volitle relationship, and he's only been with her 3 months, we split 9 months ago.

Our children were never present during arguments (well they saw we disagreements but not the big arguments) and basically that's what I was referring to when I said REALLY bad because we just argued rather than resolving anything and I was resentful because of the way my pnd made me feel about myself and blamed him. We were just miserable whenever we fell out and it was a horrible feeling.

Now I am completely healed and know where we went wrong and what I need out of a relationship.

And just to add he would have had no idea if I was 'ready and waiting' because I haven't given getting back together a thought and even gave him supportive advice when they fell out so he won't have known what my reaction would be

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:06:53

Yeah I know, like I said he only told me this yesterday and out was completely out of the blue so I've not been available at all and aid I'm not even going to talk about anything until he's finished with her

Dutchcourage Mon 18-Jul-16 17:16:22

op I'm not trying to be mean or have a go honestly I'm not. In your lasts posts you are basically blaming yourself (PND) for the arguments you had. Is that right? Was the arguing all your fault.

Even if you didn't discuss getting back with him - you were clearly still giving vibes off thst you would be up for getting back together. If he did t think he stood a chance he would not ask or suggest it.

Do not even hint that you would get back with him and just watch what his actions are. If he says he has split tell him you will speak about it in a few weeks or a month. Don't take his word on it, don't you start being the other women.

If you havnt even give getting back with him a second thought why is it so easy for you to think of getting back with him? You were clearly not over him and he could tell

adora1 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:17:03

Sorry from what you write it doesn't even sound like you missed, yearned or wanted him back so why are you considering it now, when he's still in his relationship - it just sounds odd but good luck whatever you decide.

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:21:35

I just want to add incase there's any confusion, I haven't been sitting about pining for him. We broke up because we agreed that love was not enough to stay in a relationship where we kept hurting each other. That wasn't always the case of course, it was for approx 4/5 months at the end so I don't feel I'm not having respect for myself in the slightest.

I'm not worried about him not meaning what he's saying or trying with me because this new relationship isn't going to work because he'd just be in the same position he was for the 6 months before he met her. There's always been feelings but we made the healthy decision to end the relationship because we weren't able to make each other happy.

I'm only concerned about trying again then having to end it again

em11960 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:26:53

I never gave it any thought BECAUSE he was in a relationship and I had accepted that. We still talk a lot but mostly about our daughter. I don't know what happened....it's just as soon as I heard him out I realised I must still be harboring feelings and maybe he DID pick up on that although I didn't think I acted in that way.

I'm going to wait until he's spoken to her obviously and see what he says. I just wanted other people's opinions so I know I've covered all the bases before I even talk about it. Thanks everyone x

Dutchcourage Mon 18-Jul-16 17:37:47

Sounds like you have already made your mind up, hopefully he will finish with her and not leave you red faced blush

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