Support thread - wanting to leave useless dh but scared to because of child access

[ihatebeingstuck]

Carrying on from this thread for those of us in similar situations:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2687834-I-feel-like-Im-stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?msgid=62394831#62394831

I thought this could be a place we can post to share our stories, vent, and maybe come up with some solutions for each other either to leave or make life more bearable.

[ihatebeingstuck]

From the thread I posted last night I feel one thing I could do is once youngest is at school is to work school hours (or not school hours and pay for before/after school club) and use the money to provide my DC with the things they deserve. Like swimming lessons, trips to cinema, more clothes beyond the bare basics, give them pocket money. That's unless dp wants me to put it all in the family pot. But even if I had to I could get paid into my own account and keep some back for the DC, pretend I earn less than I do. I'm lucky I have my own bank account.

My other half doesn't drink or do drugs and he works in a well thought of profession (think healthcare) and people see him as a nice guy. He is also good with words, so I worry he would easily get 50/50 access, or every other weekend. The best I can do is keep a diary of events at the moment.

That's all I can think of for now.

[MonicaLewinskisFlange]

Hi ihatebeingstuck . I think it's a long road ahead. I'm starting to think and plan. It's not going to be years for me I tell you now!

[Itsnowornever01]

[LazyCake]

Count me in - I could definitely do with some mutual hand-holding right now. I didn't follow your original thread, but just read the first post you made, and it sounds as though we have some things in common. I've also been stuck in an unhappy marriage for years, ruminating endlessly about how/when/if I can separate - and how to minimise the impact on DD. Have also just had a thread running, 'Can't afford Relate....'

I'm really sorry for your troubles, your situation sounds pretty difficult. You sound strong and resourceful - it makes me feel you will be able to get out, once you have a plan and the time is right.

[WiMoChi]

Count me in too. Terrified to leave him as he and his family will have access to my kids without me present. So many reasons this is a bad bad bad idea.

[ihatebeingstuck]

wimochi do you mind me asking why you can't leave? It sounds like we could be in a similar position. It's so painful isn't it?

[ihatebeingstuck]

Thanks everyone for joining the thread xxxx

Feel free to post, vent, etc....

[LazyCake]

Thanks, OP. I've been thinking seriously about leaving for the last 12 months, and have been very unhappy for much longer. However, haven't got very far in making plans due to poor physical and mental health, plus general procrastination, uncertainty and fearfulness.

I've tried to raise separating with DH, but he rebuffs me - says he will not discuss alternative living arrangements for DD. As far as he's concerned, her home's with him and that's not going to change. I think it's extremely likely that he'll fight me for majority custody. He refuses to accept I am her main carer, in spite of the fact he works long hours in a demanding job, while I am at home with her. The idea he might get custody of her is super-concerning to me, especially as there are some major shortcomings in the standard of care he gives her. He's a devoted, doting father, but is careless with her safety to the point of neglectfulness.

Anyway, having recently had a thread running about some of this stuff, and received a stern talking to by lots of kindly Mumsnetters, I am determined to make a change. It'll take a bit of time to prepare, but I will leave. Tomorrow I am calling Women's Aid (following advice received on MN) and booking an initial appointment with a lawyer.

[LazyCake]

WiMoChi, do you think you might have grounds for allowing only supervised contact with your DC? Or might it be possible to get a judge to make an order that DC must not have contact with certain in-laws?

I have in a bit of a quandary as I absolutely want my DD (3) to have lots of contact with her father, but I do have concerns about his slapdash attitude to safety (previously he's left her in unsafe sleeping spaces, put her in incorrectly installed car-seats, driven with bald tires with her in the car, let her run away from him and go out of sight in shopping centres, etc). Currently when he has sole care of her, he often does things like forget to put her coat on, brush her hair and teeth, or forget to give her cutlery to eat a meal for which it is clearly required, e.g. spaghetti, meaning she has to eat with her hands).

I've been looking at this document. www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parenting-plan.aspx . It's a framework for a parenting plan, produced by Cafcass. I'm wondering about trying to draw up one of these with him., but I'm not sure it'd be worth the bother as he'd resist and argue the toss on every point, and then just go ahead and disregard it once I was out of the way.

[WiMoChi]

Hi, he parents are abusive to DH. I've seen it first hand. He thinks it's normal. They've been abisove to me too, verbally and physically. They or behaviour is aggressive. Narcissistic. You'd NEVER tell if you met them though. They are very damaging.

My husband has anger issues. When he's nice he's very very nice, when he's bad he's horrid.

He thinks shouting and violence are the best way to discipline a child. He neglects to change nappies. He leaves knives out. Screw drivers etc. He is practically a child himself. When she's in his care and I'm there too have seen him favour conversations with friends than her safety. He rather finish a conversation to avoid upsetting a friend (which wouldn't happen) than stop his daughter running into the road. There's so many things. Afraid to say here.

I cannot have my children alone with any of them. It literally terrifies me.

[WiMoChi]

And supervised contact is always temporary isn't it?

My husband has had violence issues in the past. And a bit with me. He does have anger problems. But he says its me and that in the same and that I wind him up. And if I did X,y, z he wouldn't get cross. It's not him of course, he's the victim.

[WiMoChi]

Did I read about your DH being a knob in the car? Mines the same too in the car.

[LazyCake]

And supervised contact is always temporary isn't it? Not sure, I guess that - at any point - either parent can make an application to the court for a change in the arrangements. Have you had a chance to talk to a lawyer who is experienced in child custody disputes? Have you got money available to pay for a first meeting? I recently called around a load of family lawyers in my area and most of them do an initial 30 minute consultation for free.

My husband has had violence issues in the past. And a bit with me. He does have anger problems. But he says its me and that in the same and that I wind him up. And if I did X,y, z he wouldn't get cross. It's not him of course, he's the victim. This sounds to me like an open and shut case of domestic abuse. Have you called Women's Aid? I emailed them last week about my situation (which sounds not nearly as bad as yours) and they said I am clearly being abused (not sure about that so will be calling them back today). Anyway, point is, it might be helpful to talk to some professionals about this. They must have loads of experience of similar situations, in which the mother if frightened to leave in case the children suffer harm.

Hi, he parents are abusive to DH. I've seen it first hand. He thinks it's normal. They've been abisove to me too, verbally and physically. They or behaviour is aggressive. Narcissistic. You'd NEVER tell if you met them though. They are very damaging. Can you keep a diary of their inappropriate behaviour and maltreatment? Your husband's too. Last year I kept a diary of the stuff I do to care for my daughter, plus the dangerous/neglectful actions of my husband because I fear he will go for majority custody after we separate. If necessary, I can put this before a judge. I let this lapse due to a spell of bad health, but I'm going to start it again. Will go out and buy the diary today in fact.

There's so many things. Afraid to say here. Don't be afraid - there're so many people out there who want to help. NSPCC have a helpline you can call anonymously to talk through the fears you have for your children. I totally understand why it's hard to do it here.

Did I read about your DH being a knob in the car? Mines the same too in the car. I think it's the OP's husband who is a knob in the car, driving dangerously etc with the DC in the back seat. My husband is a pretty good driver, but can be difficult, e.g. DD went through a phase of always trying to wriggle out of her shoulder-straps. Whenever I noticed she'd got free, I'd say to DH that we must stop and the next services to sort her out, he'd get all huffy and say he wanted to carry on with the drive. 70 mph+ on a motorway, with DD not adequately secured in her seat. . When driving alone with her, he'd avoid tightening her straps up because she would tantrum and the noise of it would annoy him).

[LazyCake]

Pearlman, no obviously not. I don't want supervised contact for my DD and won't be seeking it - it's not in her best interests as her Dad enriches her life enormously. I raised the issue of supervised contact in relation to WiMoChi's situation which is clearly much worse. Her husband is violent, as are his relatives who have previously hit the children.