I see it like this... all of us use the tools we have to get what we believe we need. And you learn what you "should" need, and what is reasonable/expected behaviour to get those things, from your upbringing.
So... my EA ex learned that he "needs" to get self esteem from a woman in order to feel "ok". And he learned that he can only feel self esteem if a woman is flawlessly sensitive to his every need, takes responsibility for all his feelings, is extremely sexual with him but does not attract any other attention (impossible of course), etc. etc. You can't argue with him about these things because they're so deeply engrained in his brain. They're part of how he sees himself and the world around him.
He also learned that the following behaviours were the most effective (and acceptable) ways of getting those needs met:
- sulking
- silent treatment
- shaming
- criticizing
- getting psychoanalytical, telling the woman what is "wrong" with her so that she can "try harder"
Whereas I was taught different things... for example, while I was also taught that a man should be the source of my self worth, I was also taught that having an intellect should ALSO be part of my self worth, so I don't rely entirely on male validation.
And I was taught that to make a man think you are worthy, I should be nice to him, etc. etc. So, I'm easier to have a relationship with than my ex. Because I didn't learn nearly as many difficult behaviours as he did when he was a child.
The reason EAers are in denial is because their needs and the tools they use are invisible to them. They literally don't know they're there, because they learned it all so young. They can't quite get their heads around the idea that others have different ideas to what they were taught.
It's sad really. All you can do is try to find a partner whose needs and tools fit with what you want... easier said than done typically... especially since many EAers use the tool of concealment during the first years of a rs... It's tricky.