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DH has to think about going away for a weekend with me

(88 Posts)
LippyLiz Sun 17-Jul-16 16:34:33

DH has had a brief affair, started as emotional in Feb, I found out in Apr, he went to stay at a friends for space and said he wouldn't be in touch with OW. He kept visiting me and kids midweek and for full weekends. Found out in June affair had progressed, we separated on the Fri and on the Tues found out he'd gone away for a weekend with her, blazing argument over the phone, very sorry etc. He came back on the Weds full of remorse and guilt and we've been working on things very slowly for the last 3 weeks. He's still at his friends but he's spending more time up here. We don't argue, never have, I feel dissatisfied with his attempts to sort things out, perhaps it's because he has his doubts, as do I, but mine are stronger doubts.

Because I've been trying to get us back together for over 3 months not knowing affair was progressing, I'm now getting past the point. He knows this but still wants to work on being a couple and family again. I know this won't happen overnight but he's only been working at things for 3 weeks so we're on different pages....

Anyway, today I asked him if he fancied me and him going away for a weekend, away from kids, house etc. He said 'can I think about it?'. I asked him why and he said 'because he wants to make sure we won't get on each other's nerves' type thing. He is an insensitive oaf but is this sensible of him or a sign he's not trying hard enough? Advice please

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 17-Jul-16 16:37:00

Trying hard enough?
Doesn't sound like he's trying at all

DoinItFine Sun 17-Jul-16 16:38:21

His girlfriend might object.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 17-Jul-16 16:39:21

He has checked out. Of course he's not being 'sensible'. He is spending his time right now 'choosing' between the two women who both seem to want him and he is definitely not committed to choosing you.

This man does not love you!

Dutchcourage Sun 17-Jul-16 16:39:50

I think you have your 'real' answer on how he feels.

How much of him 'working' on things is down to financial issues, contact issues or just down to OW not wanting to know.

He should be crawling over broken glass apologising what he has done to you. It sounds like his hear isn't in it and doesn't fancy being 'trapped' with you for a weekend.

Why the fuck is he already thinking about you getting on his nerves?

There is way more to this.

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jul-16 16:40:28

He's wondering how to spin that with the GF if you ask me. Do you have any evidence that the affair is over?

Eminado Sun 17-Jul-16 16:42:17

Oh dear.

I think you need to take the decision out of his hands. Look up "pick me dance" and then stop.

I am sorry this has happened but you can do better flowers

debska Sun 17-Jul-16 16:44:10

From own personal experience of same situation,he is still seeing her and just getting his ducks in a row with her. Sorry

LouisCK Sun 17-Jul-16 16:45:14

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is NOT how a man filled with remorse and committed to his wife behaves. It just isn't.

Would you ever treat him this way? If not, why not?

SpinnakerInTheEther Sun 17-Jul-16 16:45:45

I think you need to think about what you want.

If it is a relationship with him, albeit a better one, I think you have to disregard his hurtful and frankly prattish comment in order to spend the time with him to rebuild your relationship.

However, it all seems very hard on you. He had an affair and instead of being sorry he seems to be more concerned about you being given too much opportunity to communicate your quite justified hurt and upset.

You can possibly work on this but at the moment he does not seem overly concerned to have even a passing regard for your feelings. He needs to love you again and act like it so arguing might not be the best context to do this in. The question is can you get over your hurt enough in order to act like a 'happy' wife?

P1nkP0ppy Sun 17-Jul-16 16:47:32

He's stringing you along to keep you sweet op, I bet you anything the ow is still very much on the scene.
Dump him.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Jul-16 16:48:30

He has to find an excuse for his mistress before he can spend a weekend with you

Come on, Liz. What on earth are you thinking ? The Pick Me Dance is demeaning you.

Pick up your self respect and send him to her with a bow on his head.

LippyLiz Sun 17-Jul-16 16:50:20

I'm positive he isn't still seeing her, she lives 3 hours away and he occasionally stops over with work. In these last 3 weeks he hasn't been out of the county. He's also blocked her numbers and I'm in contact with her husband. He has progressed quite a bit in the last 3 weeks. He's gone from being an absolute wreck at what he's done to us, and losing her (she was his best friend 20 years ago, they lost contact due to his then GF and she sought him out) to saying he'll miss her (I did ask for honesty) to spending most days here (not most nights). What he says does sound awful but that's just him. He frequently doesn't think about what he says (in any situation) and quite often doesn't mean it the way it sounds.

In this past 2 weeks I've been so close to ending it but somethings stopping me. It's all I think about and it's taking over. I hate feeling in such turmoil, not over the affair but whether I want him in my life.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Jul-16 16:54:35

I could not have him in my life. He has not one ounce of respect for you.

You are doing all the work here and sucking up all the shit. I am not sure how long your own self respect could endure this. No bloke is worth destroying that.

purplefox Sun 17-Jul-16 16:56:38

Within hours of you throwing him out he ran off and spent a weekend away with the OW yet he needs to think about spending a weekend with you? Where on earth is your dignity? And why on earth do you want to be with someone who not only cheated on you, lied to you and shows no respect to you but also has doubts in whether they actually want to be with you and sort things out so is making a minimal amount of effort to string you along until they've got the courage to actually leave?

For the last month or so he's had the easy option of living with his friend, freedom to do whatever he wants (seeing the OW) and dropping in and out of your life to see the children as and when he pleases. Do you think he's visiting for you or for the kids?

Eminado Sun 17-Jul-16 16:59:24

Sorry OP but purplefox has pretty much summarised it. It must be hard to hear but honestly you will look back and wonder why you tried so hard with someone who is not trying at all sad

SpinnakerInTheEther Sun 17-Jul-16 17:00:49

The hurtful comments must have gone through his head, though, filter or no filter. He does not want to give space to your emotions. You are being expected to demonstrate huge amount of self control, in order to not make his time less pleasant, whilst he does the exact opposite.

So you have to decide whether this expectation is something you can take on.

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jul-16 17:01:45

None of your "evidence" proves that he's not seeing her, and if he's a bit more stable emotionally at the moment then that suggests he still is.

They could be in touch but not meeting, she could be travelling to him etc etc

alphabook Sun 17-Jul-16 17:04:34

He has checked out of the relationship. It doesn't matter whether he's being intentionally insensitive or not, either way he is showing his true feelings, which are that he's not that invested in the marriage. He should be doing whatever it takes to get things back on track, but he doesn't sound that interested.

HowToChooseAUserName Sun 17-Jul-16 17:04:40

This is you.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

What is the point? Stop doing this to yourself

ApostrophesMatter Sun 17-Jul-16 17:06:09

He's already left in his head, sorry, OP.

AyeAmarok Sun 17-Jul-16 17:22:40

If he really, really wanted to save your relationship he wouldn't have to think about it.

Time to take some control of your life yourself, rather than than hanging on to his notions?

Mouikey Sun 17-Jul-16 17:34:58

I know you can't put your finger on it for you to say enough is enough, but could it be that you are scared about the future and can't imagine it without him? If this is the case then I would suggest separating the practical from the emotional...

Are your finances in order? What is the deal with your home (rental/owner)? Start prep'ing these things (and any other practical matters), no matter what your reservations... if you decide to leave him, at least some of that is thought about.

Emotionally, well thats another matter. What did you say your boundaries were in terms of leaving, think back to when you got together (setting aside your children). If cheating crossed the boundary before, then you must ask yourself why it is acceptable now. If it is 'for the children' think about the impact of this on them - staying in a potentially negative and unhappy relationship, allowing yourself to be trampled on in the worst possible way etc. etc.

Right now he should be beyond attentive to you... but what his behaviour suggests is that he is loving two women fighting over him, that he is getting his cake and eating it.

If you think the relationship is worth saving, maybe have a look at counselling for couples, it will help you get over this (no matter what the outcome).

nicenewdusters Sun 17-Jul-16 19:21:21

He had an affair. Lied to you and carried on having the affair. No doubt he's still having the affair.

You are a strong enough and forgiving enough person to suggest a weekend away with him. Part of the work you are doing, not him, to repair your relationship.

Is he grateful ? Does he bite your hand off to take the chance to make some progress with you ?

No, he'll think about it.

Utter, utter disgusting, disrespectful creep.

LippyLiz Sun 17-Jul-16 20:32:27

I'm getting the feeling that I'm being rather naive....

I have finances in order, I have everything in order. I'm holding on I suppose in the hope that I get my husband back, the one that I used to have, way before all of this took place, but then that glimmer of hope fades. He kisses me, but they're just pecks, he's said he doesn't want us getting back together to be about sex, when we have had sex, and sorry about this, but he won't finish inside me, and now he wants to wait a little while before we go away, although he's admitted that he didn't mean it to sound like it did.

I'm so sad and disappointed.

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