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How would you deal with a dh like this?(68 Posts)
I ve been married five years and often find my marriage hard. dh and I are quite different people and have totally different views on life. As times gone by and 2dcs, who are 3.5 and 1.5,later this is becoming more of a problem. I guess this is as life's got busier and more stressful with dcs and my dh is a director of his own business which is just taking off and so finds this more stressful than most. I get this is stressful but. I feel most people are better at just getting on with things.
He just wants to sit around the house all weekend and recharge his batteries. He has this fatigue thing which runs in the family and so lacks in energy a lot and things like drinking and stress seem to effect him more than most. But he doesn't help himself with this by not going to bed late and cutting back on triggers like certain foods and drinks. He finds it hard to do anything he doesn't want to do without an argument first. He doesn't see my view that that's life and that I do plenty of things I don't want to do but get on with it.
I like to be busy and like to go out. I find life easier with the kids to go out so they are distracted and busy rather than arguing with each other at home. We compromised and had one day in and one day out at the weekends but even that doesn't seem to work now.
We ve just got back from a weeks holiday, which although not totally relaxing with the age of our dcs, I felt we had down time and says were spent on the beach and in the pool.
There's an annual boat festival where we live today and I want to go. It's meant to be a lovely day and I thought the kids could paddle in the water fountains and we could go around the stalls and look at the boats. Have lunch out and look in some art shops. This is my idea of a lovely relaxing day with dcs. Much more relaxing than being in. Dh refuses and wants to stay in and get sorted for work tomorrow. I can understand this so said lets go after lunch after dds nap. Still refuses. This is not his idea of fun. He says he needs this day to relax for his body before going back to work. I see going to the festival as relaxing. It's not like we re going climbing or shopping!
We are so different. Sometimes I think I wouldn't have married him if I knew he would be like this. I don't want life like this for the next thirty years. He's so moody. He makes no effort with friends and our whole social life is organised by me. However, when he is out he comes across as the life and soul of the party and is very sociable. He's the sort of person people instantly like. Yet, to get him out is a chore.
How would you handle this? Should I just go out with the dcs on my own? However, I don't find this much fun and friends are all busy doing family stuff at the weekend and I don't have lots of friends to call upon. I don't want to spend the next thirty years doing family things on my own or arguing so he ends up coming because he's been made too. I want us both to be happy.
Pick up your keys, grab the kids and go and have fun.
Keep on doing that as often as you would like.
Basically he is dictating what you and your kids can and cannot do... he is not parenting, he is not allowing you to have joint lives... is that what you want? Is that what you want for your kids?
Keep thinking about it... is there enough else in your relationship or is this something you don't want to put up with?
My DH is similar. A complete workaholic who can be a little bit unsociable unless he's doing what he wants to do. He wasn't that great when the dc were tiny.
I don't really understand why you would have a row to force him to do what you want to do. Also, when the dc were small I supported him having a complete break at least for half a day at weekends.
He got better as the dc got older and as they got older they went off to parties, activities, etc and there were more breaks.
At the end of the day I loved my partner and compromised. I'd have gone out with the dc and left him to it. I never minded though.
Meanwhile he focused on his business. 20 years on I love him very much and the support I gave/give him is my part of the team and his career.
Before I opened the thread my gut feeling was LTB
Today go out with the kids.
Take some time over the next few weeks/months to decide if this really is how you want to spend the rest of your life - if it isn't, then your only option would be to leave. You can't change him.
He sounds like a lazy sod to me, from a family of lazy sods.
What is the generational fatigue thing? Is it an actual disability? If so then he might have some excuse if not them you need a chat on what is going to work for you all. This does not.
Having reread the op the lack of self management over sleep and alcohol needs to be dealt with and may mean the dh doesn't have the resilience to make a success of his business.
OP needs to decide how much she is prepared to compromise.
My DP is like this. I take the kids and go out, eventually it gets through hos brain that he's missing out and he pulls his socks up.
To those saying she should take the kids on her own, that's a totally different experience to going with a partner. What she suggested doesn't sound as though it's going to knacker him - there does seem to be an element of laziness in him that's just not attractive.
I get the family fatigue thing. Some families seem to be packed full of energy, some need a lot of recharging.
It's very difficult when the two clash.
You have to go out on your own. No question. Cos if you sit at home with him you'll all just go stir crazy.
Tbh I would not see going to a festival with 2 small kids as relaxing! I'd see it as an ordeal. Particularly after a holiday - I'd just want to totally chill the last day before I go back to work.
So just go.
I'd want a day at home before going back to work after a holiday. People are different. I feel knackered all week if I don't have one day at the weekend doing nothing.
And I think I know the boat festival you're talking about and I find nothing relaxing about it, it's packed full of people, noisy, queues everywhere and that's without having two kids with me!
Just go without him. No reason for your children to miss out on a lovely day out .......make a point of taking lots of photos so he can see what he is missing. Odds are if he thinks he's missing out he'll be wanting to join you. If you nag hell just stop listening so just come home saying what a lovely day you had and let the message sink in that you all had a great day without him.
Are you a SAHM? Not saying that's easy but if he's got to go to work the next day he probably just wants to relax.
How would I deal with it? I would go out on my own and leave the children at home with him.
I would nip out to the car, turn the engine on, ring him to tell him I was off out and he was in charge of the children, then drive off.
If he complained, I would say I was having this time to relax my body before going back to the 24 hour a day job of looking after small children.
Then I would have a lovely day on my own at the festival
But I very much doubt you will that OP.
Go and have a good time without him. I know it's not what you want but you can either make the best of an imperfect relationship and have fun regardless or you can sit at home being resentful.
I see both sides of this as I have been on both sides - no DC in the mix though.
It's hard when you have a job which is mentally tiring - worry and stress are knackering and the day-after-day relentless nature of it, does have a cumulative effect. I have a job like this now and I want to spend at least one day at the weekend just vegetating. I don't want to go out, talk to anyone, get out of my PJs or think about anything more pressing than what to watch on TV.
OTOH its so frustrating and demoralising when you want to spend family time and do nice things. You want to enjoy the nice weather and go to local events, eat out and get some fresh air and a change of scenery. I imagine it's even more difficult with kids because they want to go out and run about and expend their energy!
What you seem to be missing is compromise. Your H needs to understand that the entire household cannot revolve around him and his job. At the same time you need to accept that he might not want to be busy all the time - I certainly don't! So one day of activity where he joins in and one day of quiet (where you could go out with the DC without him if you wanted to) sounds entirely fair.
If he isn't prepared to compromise then you need to have a serious think about how your relationship is going to work long-term. Relationships are all about compromise - if you are missing this key ingredient then there is a problem, because he's basically telling you that his needs will trump yours and the kids.
You've almost described me and dh!
I love nothing better than to go out. I love to see new places, meet up with friends and experience new things. Dh doesn't share this and would rather stay in and work on his own 'projects'.
The compromise we've reached is that I just get out and about with the kids. Sometimes with friends.
I also go out with my friends and the kids stay in with dh. I recently went on a day trip with a friend and dh spent the day with the kids.
It astounds me that he'd rather do that then do a day trip with me and the kids.
I've had so many conversations with dh about how he's missing out time with the kids and experiences. How he's missing from all the photos of exciting places we be been to etc and sometimes he gets it but I be accepted I can't change his nature.
We ll do a few things together as a family and he pulls his weight and doesn't resent me doing what I want so I've had to accept it and get on with the life I want (though I always still want him to join in but accept when he doesn't)
I saw a quote once that said 'everyone should have a friend who says 'let's go on an adventure!' I showed it to dh and told him he's lucky he has a wife who says that and doesn't appreciate it.
I want my kids to have a sense of adventure so I'm happy to share mine with them.
I think we need more information about the family fatigue thing.
Are you a SAHM? I think it can cause problems if one partner is out working and being busy and "on" all week, then just wants to be home and regroup at the weekends, while the other partner has been slightly bored with the kids and wants to get out and about.
I don't see how a 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old can be arguing though, they are babies surely?
Some people need quiet to recharge others are recharged by a busy social life.It seems your husband is a true introvert.
Children under 5 are demanding and often a couple pull apart at this stage rather than together but as they get older you both get more freedom.
Your dh is hard working, building a business which takes mental energy.Even on holiday he may find it hard to switch off his brain.I get a exhausted and drained as find it hard to switch off.I need more rest than my husband.Cant seem to change that despite looking at many supplements, diet etc.
Why not go out and you both get what you want? No one partner can fulfill all our needs.
The dynamic you are describing sounds like DH and I, except I'm the one who doesn't like to go out that often. I'm in a super stressful job and I need downtime. DH is also in a stressful job, but the difference is he loves it and gets a kick out of it.
We compromise. Sometimes we go out and I usually enjoy it. Sometimes he takes the kids out and I chill at home. Sometimes we all spend time lazing about at home.
You need to find something that works for you both.
I think he probably has introvert tendencies, and finds being around people all the time a bit wearing. I'm like him and need down time to recharge my batteries.
He's not wrong, he's just not like you.
i can understand both of your points of view.
he is a director of a company and it is stressful, it is fair enough he wants to make sure he is ok to go back to work
do you have work to go back to?
You don't have to be introverted to need a day off on the weekend to recharge, I'm not remotely introvert, but I am exhausted after a full time job, lots of housekeeping/childcare, and no, I wouldn't want to go round a boat fair and stalls with three littlies, doesn't sound remotely pottering and relaxing to me!
I am like your husband in this scenario, and my husband likes to go out every day. He usually goes out once on the weekends without me, perhaps with the children, and I put my feet up and watch a movie or have a nap.
This is nothing to get stressed about, it's perfectly normal for different people to like to spend their time differently when having down time, and when you are tired from work/broken nights, your needs just become a bit amplified.
Luckily my husband is tolerant of my bed-loving lazy ways on the weekend, because he knows I work super hard in the week (as does he) and that I need to recharge if I'm not to become shouty and over-tired.
I don't find doing everything as a family all weekend very relaxing, and one reason I prefer it now the children are older, we can have a meal out or do one family thing, but then get back to our own interests/programmes/friends as well.
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