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Really struggling today.

(13 Posts)
loulou1626 Sun 17-Jul-16 10:25:03

Basic story is that partner of five years left me pregnant four months ago with a planned baby and has been an asshole ever since. It's been two months since we last spoke, though he's had a brief conversation with my dad about the return of some money he owed from our flat deposit, during which he never actually asked about the baby or anything like that. I've long suspected that he's been seeing this girl he met at his new job since he left (with something in the pipeline before he actually left) and I just can't for the life of me comprehend it. I've had my Facebook turned off for the last few months to avoid seeing anything unpleasant but decided to turn it back on yesterday as I've grown fed up of feeling as though I should be hiding away only to find that he's deleted all our photos and then subsequently blocked me, something I assume was triggered by the appearance of all our pictures on my account that he was tagged in, though I had already deleted him ages before when he and I were on semi speaking terms so it wasn't like I could see anything anyway. Still, he hasn't deleted any of my friends and one with a brain would assume that if my friends see something they would tell me so why not delete them aswell? =/

Reading this I know it all sounds so petty and juevenile, and we all know how ridiculous social media can be, but it's just another thing in the long line of shit I've had to deal with since he left, just another punch in the chest. Before we stopped talking he still maintained he was gonna be involved and would support the baby but I just don't see how it's even possible for him to be when he's taking himself so far out of the whole thing; how can I be expected to, for example, hand over my child for him to hold the first time when he's acted like he has, when he's so completely destroyed me and shown no real interest in this baby at all, despite being excited and happy about it to begin with? All of this is out of character, no matter how many times I look back on it I can't see a single sign of anything in our relationship that would indicate he was capable of this and he really hasn't got it in him to be that good of an actor for five years.

Worst of all is that I can't help still missing and loving him and I desperately mourn our life together. I'm in counselling but that doesn't take away this constant ache in my chest or the fact that I have to come home to my parents house every night instead of my old flat, and that I just lay in my room and cry everyday because I miss him and our dog so desperately. Ridiculous as it sounds, I have to avoid so much, like tv adverts and movies and songs because it just reminds me and it hurts. I keep busy, I go to work, i do lots of things to do with the baby and I see my friends often and do what I can but it doesn't take away this pain, and I just don't understand how it's so bloody easy for him, or why he's able to hate me so much. I'm just so heartbroken and terrified and basically feel like a pathetic mess.

Sorry ladies, just need a bit of sympathy today I think.

OneAppleADay Sun 17-Jul-16 11:07:18

You deserve better. I am sure you will forget him sooner or later and realize he did you a great service by leaving you alone.

flowers

Jemmima Sun 17-Jul-16 11:17:35

So sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like he had his head turned by another woman before he left you.

ElspethFlashman Sun 17-Jul-16 11:19:44

I remember your previous threads.

All I can suggest is to deactivate your FB again - and leave it off for the rest of your pregnancy.

Also remember that he cannot be put on the birth cert in absentia, so he will not have parental responsibility from the outset. It means no maintenance but it also means no onus on you to keep in contact.

Given his behaviour in recent months I doubt he'll pursue it as the child seems like an inconvenience he'd rather forget.

Remain no contact and keep up the counselling. Your parents are very supportive if I remember, so your child will be raised around positivity rather than negativity. That's a great gift to give any kid.

Resilience16 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:47:37

Sorry that this guy has turned out to be nob, from all you have posted you will be much better off without him.
No contact and keeping busy are the ways forward. I can remember how every song seems to be about you or them or your situation when you first split up, everything feels so raw, it is horrible I know.
Be kind to yourself. It will get better but it just takes time. I'm six months out of my relationship breakup and I would say I've just started to feel better. The first three months we were in contact, which was a mistake, no contact is definitely the best option.
Concentrate on yourself and your lovely baby. He is the loser here, not you.
Hugs for you. Onwards and upwards x

UpYerGansey Sun 17-Jul-16 12:56:50

Just to agree with previous posters, time is your friend here. You WILL get there, there will come a day when you hop out of bed and feel as you did before, but stronger.
Keep doing what you're doing and be patient with yourself - you are doing great.
I know how hard this is bitter experience flowers

loulou1626 Sun 17-Jul-16 23:08:42

Thank you everyone for your lovely words, they really mean a lot. I just didn't think I'd be struggling this much after four months, and I know it isn't just down to hormones, and everything just feels like such a struggle. I guess it's just so difficult to deal with considering how happy he was about the baby to begin with, we talked about it all the time with him asking all the questions and looking into things like christenings and writing a poem to go with an announcement and stuff, hardly the actions of a man who didn't want this, so it's incredibly hard to understand how it changed so quickly, how he changed so quickly. It's really hard to move on when you have no answers, and it's a million times harder trying to move on when you're pregnant and the guy you love has become a complete stranger and demonised you so that people don't seem to think that what he's doing is wrong.

I guess I'm just terrified of what's to come; either a future where my child doesn't know his dad, or a future where I have to deal with him being involved in some way but not actually being with us; I deserve better than that and my baby definitely deserves more, and it just kills me all the time. Both options are just absolutely awful.

Thanks again ladies for your kind words.

nooofthenoodle Sun 17-Jul-16 23:20:10

Sorry you're going through this.
Just wanted to say it's not true you can't claim child maintenence if he's not on the birth certificate.
It's only been 4 months, you're vulnerable and heartbroken but your trying and doing all the right things, be kind to yourself and ask.for help from friends and family when you need it

loulou1626 Mon 18-Jul-16 20:07:48

I guess I just thought I'd be further along by now. Today I had to go through a suitcase I hadn't sorted yet and it had some dog stuff in it (he took our dog) and it just absolutely devastated me. It honestly feels like no matter what I do, it just constantly hurts to the point where I still struggle to wake up without having a panic attack. Plus I hate the fact that I'm the one living as though I've done something wrong just by being pregnant and it makes me so nervous just doing simple things like walking in town in case I see people he's close to, and I'm not the kind of person to be nervous at all. In the time since he's left he's managed to absolutely destroy my life, get into a new relationship and carry on like absolutely nothing is happening and yet I'm still the bad guy.

I just wish it was that easy for me. I don't understand why I can't hate him for what he's done or why I still hope for a time when regret smacks him square in the face. It's just the thought of him actually doing what he said and 'being involved'; he wouldn't even know how to change a bloody nappy!

I appreciate you all listening to me being pathetic and low, you're all really kind flowers

Resilience16 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:05:30

Hey, you aren't being pathetic, being pregnant is a rollercoaster at the best of times, throw all this drama and heartache into the mix and no wonder you are feeling low.
Hold your head up, you have done nowt wrong, and even if your ex is bad mouthing you and trying to paint you as the bad guy, there are people out there who will see through that and see the reality which is a nob who has walked out on his pregnant partner.

Resilience16 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:12:30

You aren't pathetic, being pregnant and having a young baby is a bit of a rollercoaster at the best of times and throw in the drama and heartache of a relationship breakup and no wonder you feel low.
Keep your head up when you walk through town. Even though your ex has been badmouthing you and trying to paint you as the bad guy there are people out there who will see him for what he is, which is a nob who has walked away from his pregnant partner.
He's the loser here, not you x

nicenewdusters Tue 19-Jul-16 00:15:58

So sorry you've been so badly let down.

I very much doubt anybody admires a man who has left his pregnant partner. There may be a few brainless losers whom he can convince it's all down to you. But really, there opinion is utterly worthless.

It's a horrible thing to try and reconcile the person and life you once had, and all your expectations, with the position you now find yourself in. Somebody said to me once "it's your new normal". Takes a while to feel normal, but I can now see what they meant.

At least you know you never have to live with the kind of guilt your partner will. He may deny to himself that he has anything to feel guilty about. But I'm sure deep down inside it will gradually begin to eat him up. And he won't be able to do a damn thing about it.

You have a fresh start with your child to look forward to. It's not what you wanted but it's there all the same. What does he have ? A lifetime of knowing he's a coward and an excuse for a man.

KindDogsTail Tue 19-Jul-16 00:29:00

I am very sorry this happened, it must be awful for you flowers
Four months is not long at all, and you just need to be patient and carry on with your counselling. Try to do something nice as often as you can too and do special things for yourself even if they are small.

The fact that he did this means you are better off without him, difficult though it may be to believe at the moment.

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